Charting a New Course

[25yearsmlc]

I don't know if there is any headway here at our home or not. I had started trying to show affection through physical touch. I thought that it was having some effect for the better, but maybe not.

We have ML 3 times in the past 2 weeks. That is an improvement. However, I don't know if she is just using that as a tool to placate me or not.

Do you radiate self doubt after you are intimate? I mean, why can't you see it as a positive and stop reading into something negative? It will show and can become a self fulfilling prophecy.


Last night, we had an argument over the time that the kids were going to bed. She had taken our youngest out for a day with just her. Our youngest goes to bed at 20:00 and they came walking in the door at 21:10. My wife then started to chastise me for not having the oldest in bed yet. Our oldest goes to bed at 20:30.

I don't know what tone she used, but you use the word "chastise" and then you say she "attacked" you. Seems like a really big reaction instead of calmly stating your case and NOT listening to her IF she was actually attacking.

Is there any way she can give you feedback that is not complimentary, that you can receive or does it always escalate? IF SO, WHY?

I had asked my oldest if she wanted to watch a movie with me, figuring that we could spend time together while my wife was out. I told my wife she had no reason to attack me for it. She was in violation of the very same rule that she was penalizing me for violating. If it was ok for them, then I shouldn't be listening to her attacking me over this.


this^^ seems reasonable to SAY to her ONCE and then drop it...but then I read on...


I admit that I was ready to engage in a fight.

sounds like you were spoiling for it BECAUSE she did not wear her ring...so it had nothing to do with showing her you have a backbone.

If you really want to show her THAT, then address the real issue bothering you...

otherwise it's just more passive aggressive lashing out about things NOT truly at issue and

conflict avoidance of what is really bothering you. So you are not showing her a backbone by still avoiding the thing that really hurts...


.


I have turned the other cheek for so long that I feel she thinks I have no backbone. What triggered my anger was that when she had come back in from her day out, I saw she had removed her ring again. It appears that what she does is wear it around me and remove it when I am not with her. Within 10 minutes of coming home she had put it back on.


instead of telling her THAT^^^, you pretended you were angry about her "attacking" you for the daughter's bedtimes,

so now THEY can feel dragged into the fighting now, and maybe feel responsible for it too...


not good


Obviously, her conduct erodes any trace of trust that I have in her. This past week, I have been VERY tempted to place keylogging software on her computer.

STOP THIS^^^ CRAZY TALK now...it's weirder and more harmful than regular snooping. WTF is your goal?

NOTHING GOOD can come of this!! You are spiraling now and you need some professional help.

Nothing to be ashamed of to need help,

but you have to get it...NOW





She spends an inordinate amount of time on it and is always very nebulous about what she does there. She still doesn't share information about her her day's activities with me.

She does not want to share that with you. Wrap your brain around that. Get a life of your own and stop needing to know where she is or what SHE is doing in order for YOU to function...

it's too needy and it makes her responsible for how you feel, which is wrong and unhealthy.

Get a grip.

I have resisted every temptation that I have had. I HAVE been successful at this.

Really? Like when? Like losing your temper BECAUSE she did not have her wedding ring on but you pretended it was about something else..??

I can only imagine what temptations you have not given in to, but keep at it. Don't backslide...you will regret it.

25's advice to GAL is the tool I need to use for this. 25 was also talking about how we all need to get to the point where we are ready to walk away ourselves.

I don't need any of this Sh!t. I'm ready to start living my life without her. I don't deserve this treatment and I certainly think I will be much better off without her if this is all I have to look forward to if we remain together.

well IF it really is all you have left to look forward to, then NO it doesn't sound like much.

GAL is NOT to get the WAS to notice anything about you.

It's NOT about them. It's ALL about you. Paradoxically it MIGHT spark some interest in you, on their end...but it cannot be the goal. If getting them to notice you is the goal

then it's a tactic to get her back, NOT a real or lasting change in you.

To ME, GAL means many things...such as

Discovering things you always wanted to do, or rediscovering things you stopped doing.

Exploring areas of interest in classes, activities, doing NEW hobbies, meeting people is KEY for sure. IMO, It's mandatory. New interests are in some ways better, b/c they do not remind you of the WAS.

A lot of what you wrote for GAL didn't sound super social to me, but more like solo activities, or with one friend, but if they are more social, great.

You clearly need more people in your life, esp people who do NOT KNOW your wife.

You do this because one of two things is going to happen.

1) your wife might not ever even look at wanting to come back...she may be gone for good.

So if you move on and GAL, the sooner you do it, the sooner you'll be happier in your new life.

OR

2) she may, for whatever reason, become interested enough in the new you, to take a look and wonder --

if marriage to you can be better/different than before.

GAL makes sure of it.

We only know one thing for sure.

She won't return and commit UNLESS

she believes marriage to you can be better/different than before.

So how are YOU SHOWING her that it can be better/different?

by snooping? By arguing? By lashing out and deflecting in the arguments because what is really bothering you, is not what you are talking about...

What if you just became the best you, possible?

What if you became a man that only a fool would leave?