I am not so new here as I have been reading here in DBforum although never participate or post anything. But I need some advise and I need a place where I can vent, listen and learn So here's my Story: My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We have a wonderful son (now 21 yrs.old). Our family is everything to us. We had a wonderful marriage (so I thought!) but the last 5 years of our marriage it was slowly deteriorating. It all started in 2007 when he first dropped the bomb, telling me that he was not happy anymore for the longest time...and that..I didn't knew it was coming because we were happy (I thought), financially stable, no quarrels, ...sure there were flaws just like any marriage but we rarely have problems. After that bomb, we somehow make up but our relationship was never the same anymore. He became distant & indifferent, irritable, impatient, and depressed. Also in that same year, his father got ill and died then the following year his mother got ill then early 2009 she died. Then in 2009 he said to me ..."I Love you but I'm not in love with you" ..."its not you...it's me" sort of thing...That we don't have anything in common...that we don't have "history" ....that we don't have much to tell...blah blah blah...then turning 50 was his turning point...it was very difficult for him to accept...he finds it awful to be 50! He didn't celebrate and all the b-day cards/greetings he received went straight to the garbage. He was not himself anymore...he was so confused and doesn't know what he wants. While I was desperate trying to reconnect with him. I was suspecting or should I say I was almost sure that he is having "midlife crisis". He shows lots of signs of a typical MLC-er...such as; new big bikes (he changes his bikes 2 new ones in 1 yr 1/2 time),new car, etc. It was then the beginning of a "roller coaster ride"...some days were good and some worst and it just goes on and on.... In the summer of 2011 (July) he said he wanted to be alone to sort things out, he wants to have some space, work things out by himself. He swears there was no third party (and I believed him!) He moved & rented an apartment at the seaside...50 kms. from our home.. but continue to have contact with me and our son. He comes home and have dinner with us every wednesdays, and he comes to see us in the weekends, call us often and texting me goodnight and I love you every single day...I myself continue to be nice and friendly to him, continue to bring his lunch at work (we work together in our business) did his laundry and we celebrates special occasions together.
Last year in February 2012 (after 8 months since he left) he came back home and wants to "try" to work things out...I was very happy and our son was so happy "for us"....but only for a very short time. He was still very distant and indifferent and aloof. (btw, he still continue to rent his apartment because he wants some time alone and I agreed to that...as we used the apartment for us during weekends ) though it wasn't easy ...there are times I felt we were doing fine then suddenly not. I felt miserable because he still refused to reconnect with me or not allowing me to reconnect with him....telling me that he is not comfortable and not ready yet intimately. During these period, there were several times that he told me that he is giving up 'coz our marriage is not working anymore, but then again we talked & patch up. We went on vacation together in April then in June he surprised me for another trip as my birthday present....but it didn't make any difference, he still keep building walls between us. I asked him if he would go for counseling together or alone, but he refused. I went counseling alone. Last year in August (2012) he became more distant than ever....and showed no interest or whatsoever in our relationship. Then finally, by end September he said he wants out for good, and told me that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore; he told me that he really tried in his own ways but the feelings wasn't just there anymore and doesn't and will never come back. He wants to be free, hoping he would find happiness with or without someone else and he wants that for me too...at least we still have 20 plus years (maybe)to be happy with our lives with someone else, he said... So he moved out again (permanently) with all his belongings...and left me and my son in our home.... it felt it like its final...and no turning back. I was so sad & devastated but I didn't plead or beg anymore just like I did the first time. I don't have any choice but to let him go again. We manage to be cordial to each other (I never showed any resentment towards him) but this time more and more distant. I see him only 3 times a week at work because I choose to work or bring my work at home to avoid seeing him because I am hurting everytime I see him.... we talk but mostly about work or about our son. In October & Nov. last year I noticed that he often left early from work and goes out of town during weekends. So I asked him if he is already seeing someone (I asked him this question several times since he left and he always denies) I used to believe him before but these past months I have a strong feelings that he is lying to me and my suspicion is more and more clear...(He took off his wedding ring in January; He told me that he now officially change his address; I found out too that he is looking for a house, he booked a vacation etc. etc.... but he still keeps denying about OW until I confronted him 3 weeks ago...and bam! he confessed everything...he is having an affair since August! We had a long talk..... He told me that he refused to tell me or admit it as he was not sure about it yet...where it leads them...whether it will work?...etc. because the OW lives in another place quite far from his and they see each other once or twice a month the most. It was devastating to know everything and yet relieved that he finally admitted it and at least being honest to me...BUT...I am crushed and terribly hurt but inspite of it all I still love my husband very much and still willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage; that's why I am here... Is there still hope in my marriage? Please help! I need some advice! Thanks!
Me50 H53 S22 M23 2007 1st BD May 2011 2nd BD Aug 2011 Moved out(wants space) Feb 2012 came back (wants to work things out) Sept2012 moved out Oct 2012 found out OW but denies March 2013 Admits OW
Welcome to the mlc forum, a place where no one wants to be, but the door is always open to help others who are walking the path w/us. I'm very sorry that you find yourself here, but I promise you that you will find many wonderful people here who are always happy to help others.
Yes, there is always hope for your marriage. No one can take that away from you. You must develop a thick skin, dig deep for patience, understanding and compassion because the mlc trip is not for the faint of heart. This is a very long, hard marathon, not a sprint.
The best thing you can do is keep the focus on you and your family and allow God to work on your h. Learn to live your life as if your h may not return. Read as much as you can on this forum in order to have a better understanding of what your h is going through, as well as what you are experiencing.
Please feel free to post questions or if you just want to talk. It's a great place to journal, i.e., your journey so that you can look back a year from now to see where you are.
Please be sure to take care of yourself and the most important thing...protect your assets, i.e., joint accounts, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Snodderly for your quick response! I really appreciate it!
Quote:
You must develop a thick skin, dig deep for patience, understanding and compassion because the mlc trip is not for the faint of heart.
Exactly!I think I have lots of patience and understanding...it's being tested again and again but I also have mixed emotions about these especially when friends and family keeps telling me "Do not put down yourself too much and don't allow yourself to be a doormat or fooled around etc." ....sometimes I just don't know how to react to these.
Quote:
The best thing you can do is keep the focus on you and your family and allow God to work on your h. Learn to live your life as if your h may not return. Read as much as you can on this forum in order to have a better understanding of what your h is going through, as well as what you are experiencing.
Yes! I am trying to do all these...focus on me and my family, reach out to friends, learn and read books and forums as much as I can...and pray and pray.
Quote:
Please be sure to take care of yourself and the most important thing...protect your assets, i.e., joint accounts, etc.
With regards to our financial situations/arrangements...As of this writing everything stays the same. We have talked about it 2weeks ago..and for now we agreed to keep everything as it is.
Btw, It's his birthday this coming Friday...I bought a present for him (supposedly coming from me and my son)but I have a second thought about it 'coz my son bought already his own present for his Dad and friends told me why should I bother giving him??? "Do you think he will appreciate it?"...I really don't know!?....Is it a good idea to give him a present for his birthday?
Ok...this is all for now...I will surely get back for more questions and advice :-)
Thank you very much!!!
Lilith
Me50 H53 S22 M23 2007 1st BD May 2011 2nd BD Aug 2011 Moved out(wants space) Feb 2012 came back (wants to work things out) Sept2012 moved out Oct 2012 found out OW but denies March 2013 Admits OW
I think the thing that gets confusing here is moving forward vs HOPE.
Yes! I guess that's a hardest part...The "how"...how can I move forward when I am still hoping? I question that to myself often times.
Quote:
As you know as long as there is an OW, he is still deep in REPLAY.
Speaking of the OW...I tried to act as if there's no OW exist...No one but me knows about the OW.......He asked me not to tell our son yet (aged 21)because he don't want him to be distracted with his studies right now (because we experienced when H left the first time S was devastated and wasn't able to concentrate with his studies)...so I agreed not to tell him yet! He will tell S when the exams or this semester is finish. Even H's sister (my SIL) and other relatives doesn't have any idea. He will tell everyone then (he said)after S knows it. Besides, he said...maybe its not necessary to tell because who knows the affair is done/finito before they know it! (what? are you serious?...does it make any difference???...Anyways,for now his affair is our "little secret" wheww! Is this right for agreeing in his idea of keeping about this? Or should I demand to tell honestly and to come up open about the whole thing to everyone. It's like he is playing "safe" and keeping himself "clean" to the eyes of everybody.
I'm sorry you are here, but this is a place where everyone can understand what you are going through, and has the most compassionate, helpful people you can ever hope to meet.
Sorry you are here. I can't imagine the challenge of going to work at the same place.
It sounds to me like your husband started having depression issues a few years ago. Did the two of you, or him alone, ever go to a therapist? From what I have seen in my W and on these boards, depression and MLC go hand in glove.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Thank you all for welcoming me...uhhh, I mean not that I want to be here...:-( (oh well, I guess no one wants to be here) but I am glad I found this forum where I can vent, listen and get some advice & learn.
Quote:
Did the two of you, or him alone, ever go to a therapist?
CB, No, he refused to go to a therapist together, but he said recently that he went to see a therapist last year only once and never went back 'coz he said that they cannot help him...(but I really doubt he did!). I went several times when he first move out.
Me50 H53 S22 M23 2007 1st BD May 2011 2nd BD Aug 2011 Moved out(wants space) Feb 2012 came back (wants to work things out) Sept2012 moved out Oct 2012 found out OW but denies March 2013 Admits OW
I can't imagine the challenge of going to work at the same place.
Indeed CB...In the beginning it was terrible ! There wasn't a day at work without shedding tears...after few months I get used to it but still its not so easy for me! and it hurts so much especially when some (new) clients or visitors comes to the office...(before)he would normally introduce me as his wife...but now he would just say..."This is (my name)... she does the blah-blah-blah work here"!...he introduces or treat me just like one of his employees. Also if he ask me to do something, he writes/email it very business like. I also get upset when almost everyone in the office knows his whereabouts except me....I used to keep his agenda and schedule appointments but now no more. those are just few examples.
Me50 H53 S22 M23 2007 1st BD May 2011 2nd BD Aug 2011 Moved out(wants space) Feb 2012 came back (wants to work things out) Sept2012 moved out Oct 2012 found out OW but denies March 2013 Admits OW
but time does make it a little easier to bear.
