Not confused...trying to move forward...

[BRNR]

Ahhh, Karma is coming around to my H.

H picked up the boys this morning for school. As I was headed to my car I noticed that his passenger side of his car was scraped, scratched, and dented.

I asked if he had been in an accident, and he said no, that his car was like that this morning when he came out.

Came out of where? Who knows. But I know he wasn't happy about it. His car has always been one of those "pride and joy" things with him. So I guess wherever he was, isn't so safe, like our driveway. LOL!

Honestly, I am just glad he wasn't hurt. Guess H will have to deal with that one...not really sure he has the capacity at this time to handle it though....

Here is to reality buddy...and since it is not an easy fix, guess he will have to look at that as a constant reminder of his choices, until he does get it fixed, if he even ever does.

Boy, I sure do love karma.

[BRNR]

So, I have been posting on other threads that my choice right now is to have barely any interactions with my H as he is with OW. I just can't be part of his life in any form or fashion with OW in the picture. This decision is really for me.

It really seems counter-intuitive, so I was thinking maybe I am on the right path. I just don't know what type of interactions I should be having or creating with my H, so I just leave him alone.

As such, I do feel that everything seems to be getting worse in my sitch. And I think we talked about this before. It just seems as we are growing further apart. Am I looking at this correctly?

Also, I think I need some advice on my communications that I do have with H, which aren't much except about money and kids. I have been keeping it short and sweet and matter of fact.

Am I doing the right thing? Can I improve on anything right now?

At this time, I really am doing nothing. And while nothing is helping me, it just doesn't seem to be helping my sitch with H.

Need some encouraging words or a whack with a 2x4 if you will...

[Portia]

Oooh Ms. Do-er and Fixer (I say that with affection!)

You are not going to like the answers to your questions. Because I hate the answers which boil down to focussing on yourself and kids and letting him spin on his own for awhile.

So, I have been posting on other threads that my choice right now is to have barely any interactions with my H as he is with OW. I just can't be part of his life in any form or fashion with OW in the picture. This decision is really for me.

It really seems counter-intuitive, so I was thinking maybe I am on the right path. I just don't know what type of interactions I should be having or creating with my H, so I just leave him alone.

If you re-read Sandi's Rules, this is the correct path for now. Besides, it seems he is now more "open" about the OW so that is apparently the direction he wants to go - and you cannot stop him.

As such, I do feel that everything seems to be getting worse in my sitch. And I think we talked about this before. It just seems as we are growing further apart. Am I looking at this correctly?

B, with MLC, I don't think there is a right or wrong way to look at things. I feel you here. I have never felt further away from my xSO than now. But, if you pursued or begged, do you think that would improve the situation? Nope. If he needs to get further away, you have to let him. That is where our control issues come in. We think that something we DO or SAY will make the difference but in reality, if they want to go, they will.

Also, I think I need some advice on my communications that I do have with H, which aren't much except about money and kids. I have been keeping it short and sweet and matter of fact.

Am I doing the right thing? Can I improve on anything right now?

When you do have communication with H (you see him daily, I think you said?) keep it warm, light and friendly as if he were the post man. This is harder than it sounds because often we think we are being short and sweet when our voices have an edge to them that is razor sharp. Try to be relaxed. I never thought my xSO was responding to this until he told me that he noticed that I was so positive in our last few conversations and he felt more comfortable asking me things. Of course I blew that to heck, but the lesson is still there.

At this time, I really am doing nothing. And while nothing is helping me, it just doesn't seem to be helping my sitch with H.

There you go again Ms. Fixer. The goal is not to do nothing at all - GAL, do things for you, go out - but sometimes not changing the way you are acting toward your H is a good thing. Give it some time. consistently being friendly and light may draw him back to you. That does not mean that you should not know your own boundaries, but not giving him more to complain about is good.

Hope this helps. In some ways this is the kettle calling the pot black. I am terrible at the "do nothing" for the situation but right now I have no other choice. I am sure others will have some further advice!

[BRNR]

You are not going to like the answers to your questions. Because I hate the answers which boil down to focussing on yourself and kids and letting him spin on his own for awhile.

No, you confirmed what I am doing...I told you...I am a give it to me straight kind of woman.

When you do have communication with H (you see him daily, I think you said?) keep it warm, light and friendly as if he were the post man

Yes, this is how it is, maybe with a more business like edge...but I don't see him for more than five minutes at a time. So a "good morning", "good night", "have a nice day", and some other little niceties is about all that is given.

The goal is not to do nothing at all - GAL, do things for you, go out - but sometimes not changing the way you are acting toward your H is a good thing.

And I mis-wrote....I AM doing things for me (and my boys), just not anything for or towards my H and the sitch.

I have been basically living life like H died, (which in all fairness, my REAL H did).

I am good, really. I just don't see how these things can help, but maybe I am missing the point. I guess the rules don't help the marriage...maybe they are just to help the LBS.

[AJM]

BRNR, what is it you think you *could* do to help the marriage you once had and your H left (imagine hyphens in between those words for the sake of argument, ok? ) ?

I think you said it before - you don't know what to do or say, so you don't. I honestly think that's the best approach for now.

I have to wonder if things are really getting worse, or if you're taking off the rose-colored glasses and seeing things as they are. Can you tell?

I have been basically living life like H died, (which in all fairness, my REAL H did).

Sadly, yes. And then again, not so sadly because he couldn't continue and grow as he was. He needed to change (drastically as it turns out) to continue his own path. That effectively killed the marriage, but only as you knew it. To see how these things turn out, you need to keep doing what you're doing. It won't be easy, but I doubt that's a problem for you. I suspect a challenge is not the daunting part for you.

Look, he's done what he's going to do. He's going to continue down this path unless and until he decides it's not the path for him. If you continue to stay close, he'll hurt you. Oddly, it's not personal (it is of course, but not like that). He'd hurt anyone that got near him if he felt like he needed to.

We don't get to understand it (not sure I'd like to either) but we do get to see the what that happens. I can tell you the pattern, even if he doesn't fit the pattern perfectly. I cannot tell you how many people could easily the see pattern in my own situation. I couldn't for a long time. I was too close to it and getting the scars. I see it now and I honestly have to say that the only thing that really changed in the situation was my perspective. I knew that at the time, but it was very difficult to get the perspective. I was too busy putting my fingers in the fan blades

When all is said and done, you'll need to be patient to see how this plays out. You'll need to bite your tongue and be pleasant to see how this plays out with him. But one thing is very certain - you didn't cause it and you can't make it stop (for him; you can always walk away when you want.)

Be patient my friend. I've seen worse and seen it turn around


Peace,
AJ

[BRNR]

Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking...momentary lapse of judgement.

There is nothing I can do, but I feel really weird doing nothing also.

Are things getting worse or did I take off the glasses? Hmmm! Good question. Probably the glasses, if I had to really think about it.

He has hurt me and will continue to as long as I stay close, so I have been quite effectively backing off as to protect myself. Why is it then that they don't hurt OP? Curious on that notion, especially when they are getting just as close, if not closer. It is okay to hurt me, your kids, and extended family and friends, but not them.

I am still uneasy letting go, it makes me feel like walking away. At least some days.

I am glad you have seen worse situations turn around, but I haven't seen any signs that mine will, and I know, patience, but mine is wearing on me really thin. Not sure that some days I have any left.

Glad to hear the words,"continue as I have been". Makes me feel better that I am learning and growing.

Thanks AJ, you always know what to say.

[AJM]

Why is it then that they don't hurt OP? Curious on that notion, especially when they are getting just as close, if not closer. It is okay to hurt me, your kids, and extended family and friends, but not them.

What makes you think they won't? You may not see it, but do you really think you can't hurt somebody you meet and profess feelings for when in this situation? I mean, could you? Would you be happy if you met somebody doing what he is doing and is telling you, "I'll never do that to you! You're different. This is different." ?(Or something like that). The question is whether or not you'll be around to see them share their pain with somebody else or not. They will inflict pain on you (like a wounded animal you are trying to get close to) if you let them. It's not about you though it will hurt just as much. Each and every time you go near them expecting something other than that. Until they get through whatever they need to get through. Kind of like cold rain on the weekend; I can't stop it, but I can get out of it. If I don't, I'll get wet and cold. It is what it is, even though from time to time we'll see "glimpses" of their old self. They are in transition and looking for a way to stop hurting. Sometimes they'll blame those closest or those they find along the way. To hurt somebody, you have to gain their trust. That takes time. You also have to get to a point where you are "done" with that game piece before you hurt them. Sad but seems to happen often. It's not the person you knew per se that's hurting those around them (think like a train-wreck). It's the person you knew dealing with whatever transition they are going through, in my experience.

I am still uneasy letting go, it makes me feel like walking away. At least some days.

Do you feel guilty about that? Or is it something else? If so, why? What makes you feel like you should hang on? I'm not judging or offering advice; rather just asking what the motivation really is. I think it's important to clarify that.

I am glad you have seen worse situations turn around, but I haven't seen any signs that mine will, and I know, patience, but mine is wearing on me really thin. Not sure that some days I have any left.

Mixed blessing, I assure you

I know what you're saying BRNR. Been there. It's not an easy road. But to detach AND keep the door open for the person that hurt us is a tough thing. We normally don't get much practice at such things prior to these situations. I will say that the sooner you detach and set aside the memories of the person you knew, the better for you and all around you. Really. And that's not easy, but it is possible.

You're doing very well at navigating a tough situation. I know it's not pleasant and it's not what you asked for, but you really are. Be patient. Be detached. Explore you and your motivations.

And keep a positive attitude. You won't be sorry. I know I'm not

Peace,
AJ

[BRNR]

Wow, AJ - Very profound what you just wrote. I think this will be a moment that will stick to my core. Those glasses I was wearing are really starting to come off, but I think I put them back on every time I see a sunny moment. Maybe time to throw them away.

It is what it is, even though from time to time we'll see "glimpses" of their old self. They are in transition and looking for a way to stop hurting. Sometimes they'll blame those closest or those they find along the way.

Wow!!! This speaks to me in a lot of ways. This statement alone, can make me see that being away from him is the best thing I can do, as to prevent myself from getting hurt further...

"I am still uneasy letting go, it makes me feel like walking away. At least some days."

Do you feel guilty about that? Or is it something else? If so, why? What makes you feel like you should hang on? I'm not judging or offering advice; rather just asking what the motivation really is. I think it's important to clarify that.

I do feel immense guilt, maybe even more guilt than H supposedly has for all he has done, because I am at least not in crisis mode. How would me walking away be any better than what he has done? I do feel that I would walk away and therefore letting down myself, my children, and even H.

I feel that I will lose my love completely. My H says all the time to me and my children that I don't love him. But if I really do let him completely go without holding onto that small percentage, this would validate what he has been saying all along.

And I feel that if I do not hang on, I will be so far gone that if my H ever needed me at some point that I will miss all the signs.

But to detach AND keep the door open for the person that hurt us is a tough thing. We normally don't get much practice at such things prior to these situations. I will say that the sooner you detach and set aside the memories of the person you knew, the better for you and all around you. Really. And that's not easy, but it is possible.

And bingo. I think you nailed it on the head. I don't know how to do this...I believe I am teetering between closing the door and keeping the door open...on a daily basis. This is what I have to look at and work through...this is where I am struggling.

[hoper]

Hi BRNR,

Just writing to say i feel ya..after 15 yrs of marriage and so many wonderful memories its so very very tough tojust accept things the way they are..

I find myself in a similar situation where my H is pushing for a separation and makes himself very clear regarding of my place in his life..

Its painful and heartbreaking ..no words of wisdom just a warm hug..
take care

[BRNR]

Hi H1-thanks for the hugs this morning....

Just got into an argument with H. The first one in a couple of months. He decides to just tell me this morning that he will not take the kids to school tomorrow morning...my button is the kids right now and he pushed it. I sooooo hate him right now. Why can't he see that his kids need to be his priority and not OW or anything else in his life?

I know...I backslid, took the bait, and definitely didn't DB well. Where do I go from here...