To detach, do you just need to accustom yourself to not feeling what your spouse feels? Or are there more active steps?
Peanut's description of detachment may help:
"Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
I really like the part about meeting anger or indifference with love. That really sums it up. A lot of people think detachment is growing cold and distant, that's not it at all. It's taking control of our own destiny and detaching from our spouse's emotional roller coaster. Some say to treat your spouse like you would a friendly neighbor. If your neighbor was mad, sad, depressed you might try to cheer them up or give them a shoulder to lean on, but it probably wouldn't make you mad, sad, depressed. You'd be their support, but you wouldn't let their negative state affect your PMA. In fact it's your PMA that helps bring them out of their funk. You should strive to be like this with your W too. Make sense?
