The Art of Invisibility

[mizjjd]

previous thread Boundaries and Bananas, here
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2339276&#Post2339276

Last post

Thank you all so much!

How nice to be reminded I am not alone in crazyville.

Fortunately, by the time I finished my shift at fastfoodland I had calmed down. Also, there was no texting last night, which didn't hurt either.

The good out of all this was to show me I'm not where I thought I was detachment wise. A smack in the head to tell me to keep at it. So I am formulating plans to become invisible.

I've decided to pretty much let the presence of the twins determine what my presence shall be. If they're enjoying tv time in the living room, then that's where I'll be. If they're not, I'll find something else to do.

I am wondering what H will have to say about this. Used to be my being anywhere BUT next to him to watch TV was most frowned upon. Even post bd, if I come up to bed before H (something I would never do pre bd, he didn't like it) he tends to follow me. Another example of the MLC contradictory behavior I guess. (I don't want to be with you anymore=STAY!!)

[Portia]

Hi MizJ,

Ah yes, the I am feeling detached and then bam! something happens and I realize I am not as detached as I would like to be. Bit of a see-saw really.

I think it would be good for you to break out of some of the behaviours that H "expects". Not only are these 180s but you might that you LIKE going to bed before him. (I sure did, helped me fall asleep before the snoring started). If HE feels like following, let him! Let him be the dog on the leash.

If you want to watch TV, do it. If you want to be somewhere else, do it. That is YOUR house, too. It will probably feel weird at first to own your territory, but try it on for size.

Wishing you so much luck!

[Notlikingthis]

If I didn't know better I'd swear that our H's are all related! I feel like I'm being followed and even watched as well. They just can't seem to decide whether they want us or they don't, as if to say, stay close in case I want or need you or something but leave me alone.

BTW Mizj, I love title on your new thread. I'm not in a position to give anything but encouragement and prayers to you at this point. I still need to understand MLC and behaviors before I can offer more help. Your H and mine are both cake-eaters and seem to be cut from the same cloth.

[albamarie]

(I don't want to be with you anymore=STAY!!)

Hi Mizjjd,
THis is my h too. He wants to be independent, but he just ends up doing nothing, calling it not needing my help. I started going to bed without a word, next thing you know he's following. At least every time he follows it's his own choice to be there. I watch my own shows now even with him in the room, now he watches them with me, who knew he was such a fan of HGTV.

Like teens I think they need the security of home while testing the waters of life. This makes me feel like his mother more than anything I ever used to do for him.

So we hold for hope for a better future, stay on the path we know is right, hey maybe the'll follow one day!

[AJM]

I think you should do what works for YOU. I look at it this way: he wants to be independent. Let him. He wants things his way. Let him. You go have things your way and let him follow if he wants to. If he needs to be independent that's great, but I'm more interested in you being YOU while he figures this out.

He'll let you know what he does or doesn't like. Then it's up to you how you want to handle it. I suggest gently and with a smile on your face

Peace,
AJ

[mizjjd]

If you want to watch TV, do it. If you want to be somewhere else, do it. That is YOUR house, too. It will probably feel weird at first to own your territory, but try it on for size.

I get this. I just might want to be apart from H more than I want to watch tv...

Life was def easier when he was away.

I'm not in a position to give anything but encouragement and prayers to you at this point. I still need to understand MLC and behaviors before I can offer more help. Your H and mine are both cake-eaters and seem to be cut from the same cloth.

NLT you have much more to give than you think. Don't be afraid to post on other's threads because only "encouragement and prayers" are often all that is needed. And posting to others serves as good therapy to the "poster" as well as the "postee".

I don't feel my H watches me so much as simply expects me to be "there". Much as a child having a tantrum doesn't actually expect their parent to abandon them. Obviously I still offer H some sort of comfort, or security. Which is all well and good until providing that begins to effect my emotional well being.

D.Marie is soo much better at this than me lol.

So we hold for hope for a better future, stay on the path we know is right, hey maybe the'll follow one day!

I am still not convinced I want H to follow...

He'll let you know what he does or doesn't like. Then it's up to you how you want to handle it. I suggest gently and with a smile on your face

THIS has never been a problem for H lol - the letting me know what he does/doesn't like. Well at least the what he DOESN'T like, never been one for praise, with H its no news is good news.

And right now he wants to continue the charade of marriage, wants me firmly in the housekeeper role. There is no physical affection except if H feels he'd be more comfortable spooning then he does want that. Oh, and I am to rub what ever might hurt on him ie back, ankle etc.

So I really need to find some GAL opportunities. IDK just WHAT exactly, but I do know I am much more centered when I have "things on the go". ~ something for me to ponder!

Thank you everyone for stopping by and leaving a note!!

[albamarie]

And right now he wants to continue the charade of marriage, wants me firmly in the housekeeper role. There is no physical affection except if H feels he'd be more comfortable spooning then he does want that.

These guys are something else! I am living this quote verbatim.

One of the hardest things for me is the feeling of loneliness even when they R beside you!

GAL is so important and yes, I too struggle with what exactly does that look like for me. I tend to get stuck on what it LOOKED like, the natural progression of a M as you reach that second phase of life. AKA, the fun time in life!

What if we don't want H to follow...I seem to be stuck w/him more as I display this. It does though seem to follow the stages of his MLC (I see H in the acceptance stage revisiting all stages one more time), so could it be just timing that we question our wants right as they enter their new phase, keeping us on opposite sides of our progress?

That's a good question!!!

<3 dm

[MissAgnes]

Hi miz,

Let us know what your GAL ponderings are. You are so right about how keeping busy centers you. It definitely contributes to a PMA.

[AJM]

What if we don't want H to follow...I seem to be stuck w/him more as I display this. It does though seem to follow the stages of his MLC (I see H in the acceptance stage revisiting all stages one more time), so could it be just timing that we question our wants right as they enter their new phase, keeping us on opposite sides of our progress?

In my own experience (such as it is) no, this is not coincidental that you question your wants etc.

Remember that a relationship is like two people dancing on a see-saw. As one moves one way, the other compensates in an effort to maintain "balance" (of some sort). Just because they have gone to la-la land, doesn't mean you aren't still doing that dance in some form or fashion.

As you regain your own balance, you begin to question why you have a "partner" for this dance. I think it's very natural to question. I look at some of these posts and wonder, "why is it you stayed, exactly?" And then I wonder if you happened to write down why you stayed back at the beginning. Just for comparison.

Couple of thoughts.

AJ

[mizjjd]

Dawn, Agnes and AJ,

Thanks for stopping by.

Dawn - the whole "being alone while lying next to someone you've spent roughly half your life loving" - [censored]

I am not sure if I want my H to "follow" because the entirety of our M has not been good. I look at the idea of him "coming out" of his MLC to be... what? Like he has been for most of our
marriage? I am definitely NOT interested in that. Like a version of who I met and fell in love with? Consider me very skeptical of that being remotely possible.

Miss A, Idk yet what my Galing will be... more hours at fastfoodland? (shudder) taking a class of some sort? just going for walks (if the weather ever EVER gets decent) I have my feelers, my radar, primed for possibilities.

AJM, just looked back at my very first posts

I guess my curiousity is not yet cured

So, he has had several affairs while you were married? He pines for Wife#2 that left him?

What exactly is it you really want out of the relationship?

AJ

I look at some of these posts and wonder, "why is it you stayed, exactly?" And then I wonder if you happened to write down why you stayed back at the beginning. Just for comparison.

Still curious I see lol. That's ok, I can see where you would be.

When I found out about H's "1st" affair (it was his 2nd, but the 1st I became aware of.) I had 4 children under the age of 5. Let me clear my throat and say that again. I had four children under the age of 5.

H had 3 children from his first 2 Ms, none of which he paid support for.

I could not put my children into poverty, which is what I was certain leaving H would result in. I sucked it up and made do.

And not every day of the M has been horrible. I would say from roughly 2000 - 2012 it was "ok". H had finally really apologized for the A. He gave no indication that anything was "amiss" in the fidelity department. He rarely would have scored as having any of the Love Languages, was generally cool and distant, not particularly affectionate, but to me all that was manageable.

However, these traits combined with the current EA, and bd... and the kids are nearly all grown...and... what was your question?

Keep in mind, I have asked H to leave 4 separate times since bd. I don't have any place to go, even with 2 jobs would be hard put to pay rent and eat in the same month lol. And thats without even contributing to the kids, so my leaving isn't really practical.

However, H has place(s) to go... but he says he doesn't want to disrupt our twins last years of school.

... I just really don't know WHAT my M goals are at this point.
Maybe just to still be "in the picture" if/when H emerges so I can see what sort of critter he's evolved into.

Maybe I just want to be absolutely certain I tried my hardest and best - so if/when the end comes I can hold my head up and look my children in the eye without feeling I failed them.

Maybe I am holding out for a miracle, that the emerging H will be a better man.

Maybe I still love him.

Maybe I'm as dumb as a box of rocks.

Cheers