She says everyone had been telling her that she was unhappy over her job and her health and her car. She said all of this stuff is now fixed and she is still unhappy. She essentially then said, I told you so.
The problem is she still thinks YOU are the cause of her unhappiness, because the two of you are still under the same roof. Often it takes separation for the WAS to realize their unhappiness is coming from within. That's why the whole "time and space" thing is needed, so they can distance from the LBS, learn that the LBS is not responsible for their unhappiness, and learn to miss the LBS.
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I asked, so does this mean we are over. She said yes, we will both be happier.
Why in the world would you ask that? Her response is of course totally expected and totally script.
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She said, aren't you unhappy. I said I have not been happy in past 6 months but who would be. I told her that I was not unhappy prior to BD.
OK, let's go back to the basics on your DB communication skills! QUIT getting baited!! This isn't about telling your feelings to her, it's getting her to share her feelings with you! Remember your DB'ing, YOU listen, SHE talks! YOU make eye contact, nod your head, ask a question here and there, ask her how things make her feel, validate her emotions. The fact that she even said "aren't you unhappy" tells me you've been unsuccessful at GAL and PMA, because if you were successful she's be asking what your secret was. That's exactly what my wife did, she told me she was jealous of my confidence and happiness when she herself was still confused. That was well after S though. Anyway, a better response would have been "Why do you ask, are you unhappy?" "Well yes, I'm unhappy!" "How unhappy are you, a little, or a lot?" "I'm very unhappy!!" "I can tell you're very unhappy and I'm sorry you feel that way. I want you to stay here and work on the marriage, but above all I want you to be happy and if you feel that moving out will make you happy then I support your decision. I will do what I can to assist you."
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She then said she didn't want to talk anymore. Said talking is not going to change anything and it would just make her upset.
She said that because you're NOT LISTENING to her!
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So now I am second guessing this distancing and giving space. I have been giving space. Which essentially means we have shared nothing in the past 5 months.
That's not what giving space means. Honestly I've read a ton of sitches here and I'm convinced it's not possible to give adequate space to a WAS when the LBS is still under the same roof.
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Now I don't know what to do. It appears to really be over now.
I know you're confused and hurting right now, but remember, we told you that S may be inevitable and that it may be a necessary step for healing to start. Her lines are all script, there's nothing there to indicate you should give up hope. Just give yourself some time to grieve in quiet and keep up with your DB'ing.
