Wife says not in love; stays and acts happy

[Verum]

I need some opinions here.

This weekend, we had a brief relationship discussion. My W said our relationship was good and wanted to know what I thought? I said it was good, but it needed to be better. I mean, the last time she said she didn't love me was only a few weeks ago.

Later in the day while shopping, my W said, "things are the way they were a few years ago, except now you know [that she doesn't love me] , but otherwise it is the same so you should be happy" My W has said that she hasn't loved me in a long time -- sometimes it seems like never in our 20 years of Marriage?

So my W seems to have committed to the Marriage in that she is not leaving, but she has committed to a M where she doesn't "love me".

I wonder how to respond to this. I accept that she isn't feeling those "loving feelings" right now because we are only 4 months since BD. Yet, I cannot accept a future with somebody who doesn't love me.

[MrBond]

"I cannot accept a future with somebody who doesn't love me."

Have you told her this?

[Verum]

"I cannot accept a future with somebody who doesn't love me."

Have you told her this?

No, not in so many words yet. Our conversations like this play out over days, so I plan on saying this.

[MrBond]

When you tell her this, be sure you go in with a plan and give her the option of what to participate in. For example, recommend a retreat or MC and ask her what she prefers.

[Verum]

We have not had the R talk. I don't bring it up, and neither does she. I figure she's not ready yet.

This evening I have a sailboat race, first race in a couple of weeks. My W wants to go out, but she agrees that I have this race at most once a week and she'll stay home. If you read my sitch, 3 weeks ago, she left my 3 girls home alone at night while I was racing so that she could meet up with a GF at a bar. We talked and she said she wouldn't do this again.

I would like to just have fun, but in the back of my head, I'll be worrying about any craziness that might be going on. I've told my W to invite her GF over -- she makes an excuse about the distance (only 15 minute drive). I think the real reason is at the bar there are other people too, including the guy she is infatuated with. My only solace is that he seems uninterested in my W.

[Verum]

Well, I have not posted in several weeks, mainly because my sitch has improved greatly. We have found a new normal in our relationship. In fact, my W told me she loved me last week without any prompting on my part -- in other words, I didn't say it first. It's been at least 6 months since I've heard that from her.

Is it as good as I would like? Yes and no. There is still this lingering insecurity in my head. It is difficult for me to think that a few months ago she was contemplating separation and even divorce, and now all is good. I think my W is definitely going through a MLC and she has settled some issues in her mind, but not all.

For example, my W wants to return to university to get a MS and start a new career (related to her current one). This would involve her leaving to a University a 3-hr drive away for 1 year. She would then do 1 year of training. Overall the financial hit would be enormous due to 2 years of her not having an income, paying tuition, and paying for an apartment while she is at school. BTW, we have young 3 girls. I told her I supported her, and it was her decision. We have not discussed all the implications. I think we both know or think that it is unlikely to happen.

My W is also desparate to make more friends. For the most part, this has not been working out very well for her. Having moved to a new area, it is difficult because by our age most people who live here have established their social circles and I notice that many people are not that interested in expanding it.

My W is also continuing the spend like money is no issue.

Me, I continue to GAL with my hobbies; I continue to give W space; I don't complain, although in some cases, such as cleaning the house or cooking, I would like to! (last week I cooked twice, W not once, she took kids to dinner 2 nights that I was late due to GAL activities and on 5th night we did leftovers); I avoid pursuit behavior; and I continue my 180s. I think many of my 180s are now part of me, so slipping to old ways is unlikely.

In 2 weeks is our 22nd anniversary. I'm not sure what we'll do. We will do something, at least dinner at a restuarant. I'm also not sure what to get her. I will send flowers to her office -- this is a 180 because I almost never sent her flowers in 22 years and I realize she really appreciates it. Her love language is gifts.

So in summary, I think I am cautiously transitioning to piecing. However, we have not really discussed our relationship. I wonder if my W will want to? It seems to me as if she wants to forget the last 6 months. I'm also thinking through what I need for me to be satisfied that we're on a new track.

When we talked somewhat briefly about our R several weeks ago, I mentioned that the W wearing her engagement and wedding rings would make me feel loved. She has not worn the rings in about 2 years. She does wear a ring, but one she bought herself and that has other significance for her. She cried when I said this, and mentioned that I never wore my ring and that I even lost it. This was 20 years ago, a real bone-head move, and I never realized how much it meant to her. I mention this because this week, I saw that she added our wedding band to her finger. I see this as a very positive step. I wonder should I mention it?

[Grizz]

SA, this is awesome. As you know, I have been following your sitch for a while and I am truly happy for you. Congrats and good luck moving forward.

[Mimi00]

Happy to see that there has been improvements in your relationship--I hope things continue to move forward positively for you and your family.

[AnotherStander]

Well, I have not posted in several weeks, mainly because my sitch has improved greatly.

Fantastic, very happy for you

We have found a new normal in our relationship. In fact, my W told me she loved me last week without any prompting on my part -- in other words, I didn't say it first.

That's a great step forward!!

Is it as good as I would like? Yes and no. There is still this lingering insecurity in my head. It is difficult for me to think that a few months ago she was contemplating separation and even divorce, and now all is good.

It's normal for you to feel this way. It's going to take a long time for the trust to come back. Just be patient. Read the threads in Piecing, you'll see those same sentiments expressed many times there.

Me, I continue to GAL with my hobbies; I continue to give W space; I don't complain, although in some cases, such as cleaning the house or cooking, I would like to! (last week I cooked twice, W not once, she took kids to dinner 2 nights that I was late due to GAL activities and on 5th night we did leftovers); I avoid pursuit behavior; and I continue my 180s. I think many of my 180s are now part of me, so slipping to old ways is unlikely.

Well done!

I will send flowers to her office -- this is a 180 because I almost never sent her flowers in 22 years and I realize she really appreciates it. Her love language is gifts.

By all means do that. Try not to lay it on too heavy (with a bunch of gifts) just yet, you're kind of transitioning to piecing but you're not fully there yet.

However, we have not really discussed our relationship. I wonder if my W will want to?

I would keep doing your DB'ing and wait until she's ready. She'll let you know when she's ready for that discussion. If you try to push her into it before she's ready then it may not go well, so just be patient.

I mention this because this week, I saw that she added our wedding band to her finger. I see this as a very positive step. I wonder should I mention it?

I think it's a great sign as well. Rather than mention it, you might just reach for her hand (to hold hands) at an opportune moment, look down at the ring and look up and smile at her. Acknowledge it through an action rather than words, sometimes that speaks a lot louder.

[SFC_Swede]

Brother...everything I read seems like positive news. Just dont back track and focus you and the children. I am a noob here, but I concur that over reacting and assuming things are even remotely normal yet is a misjudgement.

My best of luck to you...I feel after reading your thread that you have crossed major hurtles and have much to be positive about with the newest revelations. The tricky part is to not get too confident in them until more time and concrete responses on her part continue.