Irreplaceable

[uRworthy]

edit...this is not how you expected.

Geez. LOL!

[Takevowsserious]

Happy Sunday out there!

Kaffe, thank you for your post. Yes, true strength is not taking the easy way out. After all, how much pain would it have saved me if I bailed on my H as I feel he has bailed on me. But I'm not him. And I'm not the one in crisis. And I did mean it when I spoke the promise for better or for worse.

It would be so easy to think he's a bad person, a lost cause, someone not worthy of my love. But who, or where, is my "real" H?

From hero's spouse-

"Your MLCer is lost, not gone. What is lost can be found. MLCers can and do come home. That does not mean your MLCer will come home; it means it is possible. There is always Hope. Have no expectations for each individual moment, but Hope can always be high. Accept. You may HATE the monster. But the monster is your MLCers Fear, not your MLCers Self. The Fear is holding the Self captive."

UW - go big or go home, my motto!!!

I know I will be okay, but I want to be more than okay. I want to be happy. Not the I'm happy as I'm trying not to think about the hurt in my heart happy, but truly genuinely happy. I would love to get there one day.

M-man: I laughed out loud with your Autobots roll out quote! They can roll out indeed


Updating...

Had a great time with my friends last night. Oddly enough, H called during their visit. I told him they were over, he asked me questions about the evening. There was a few weird silent moments where I think he was waiting for me to ask him questions - which I didn't. He ended the conversation by saying he would see me tomorrow, wasn't sure what time he would be home. I said okay. Then he told me to have fun with my friends and said goodbye. He sounded almost a little sad.

He had called our home phone, and I didn't realize till later that he had called my cell phone first but didn't get an answer.

So, he should be home in a few hours. Not sure what to expect.

Heading to the park with the boys, hope to get some of their energy out while enjoying the sunny day. Will update later

[uRworthy]

My dear T, you speak about being happy. And really, happiness doesnt come from another person. It comes from within. They may enhance our lives, but, they shouldnt provide happiness.

Having said that, all of this hasnt taken away my hope. And when there is hope, there is the potential, always, of real happiness.

I have great hope that one day I will find someone who loves me for who I am. But if I dont, I will still be happy.

Snd all of this hasnt stopped me from being at peace that I loved with all my heart, so much that I let him go.

It doesnt stop me from believing that I deserve happiness and peace.

So, T, will you ever truly be happy? I have great hope that you will be. Will it ever not hurt? In time, the hurt is like a healed scar. Still there under the surface, but, no longer searing pain.

Whether or not your marriage is healed, as long as you have hope, you will find happiness.

Continue to live your life. Your life. Enjoy each and every moment of it. Cherish those children.

And continue to hope and believe in yourself. Everything else will be as it should be.
.

[reachingHigher]

Hi tvs, I loved what urw said.

Also, being on this side of hope...hope that is being translated into a real flesh and blood R with my H...I can't tell you what that has done for me. I know I would've been okay without him. But it's been worth waiting for and loving him through the worse ... of better or worse.

How many times have I said to myself (during replay), "I didn't sign up for this!"

Girl, I like the fact he is checking up on you. I like the fact you are having fun without him. You really don't know what is happening on his end.

My H said he felt really "alone" ... a lot. Even when surrounded by others. It can be very motivating.

Keep on being happy and awesome. Keep on not asking him anything. I think that could lead good places.

Thinking of you,
Enjoy the park!
rH

[Takevowsserious]

Dear UW~ I agree, happiness does come from within. If I was waiting for my H to make me happy, I'd be waiting a long time lol! But I feel like I still have my H's MLC hanging over my head. It's hard to live my life as though he's never coming back while he's right in front of me every single day.

I guess my goal shouldn't be to heal my M, but to heal me. Which I'm not sure I can entirely do while in limbo.

I am enjoying things in life much more than I used to, and do not take anything for granted.

I also have hope that one day someone will love and appreciate me for the person that I am. We deserve that, UW. I think everyone deserves to be loved for who they are.

Dear rH~ thanks for stopping by and putting a positive spin on H's behavior

I can see how they are lonely inside, even when surrounding themselves with OP or partying friends. Deep down, they must feel this is not a replacement for us.

I remember during one of our big talks, my H told me " I have nothing." I reminded him about having two great kids, and he agreed. Said they were the best thing he's ever done in his life.

My point is, if the OW made him so happy and really filled all his needs I think he'd be long gone.

I can so relate to your replay comment... I have thought the same thing... Except my thought was more along the lines of, "This is total bullsh!t!!!!!"

I continue to be happy for you, excitedly reading each new post by you, motivated by each little or big step you take.

I still have hope. Going to keep going till I don't.

Update...

As I was coming home from park, I get a text from H saying that he called the house and left a message. That he went fishing again this morning, was eating lunch, and would be on his way after that.

It kind of ticked me off a bit... I felt like he acted like he missed the boys so much, yet he didn't seem to be in too big a hurry to get home. And he has golf tomorrow, so won't see them then either.

I texted him back that they boys and I had just got home from being out and about, and wished him a safe trip home.

He was interesting when he got home.

He came right upstairs to say hello to everyone, then went to unpack. After that, he came outside with me and the boys - and started his barrage of questions!

He asked me - twice - where we were today when he called. I thought that was strange. He asked me about my girls night last night, how my friends were doing, and my personal favorite, "How did it all come about that they came over?"

Ummm, and this should matter because????

Asked me what I did the the boys, how they were, how I was, if I had a good weekend. Asked me if I cleaned because the house looked nice.

And during this whole time... I didn't ask him squat. And I don't think he liked that.

He did volunteer some stuff. Who knows what's real and what's bs? Certainly not me.

Do I think he went fishing at some point? Yes. Do I think he was with OW at some point? Yes. Everything else in between is pretty much a mystery.

He seemed glad to be home, but wasn't in the most spectacular of moods. I expected him to be overjoyed since he got to go away. Strange.

I noticed too that he took his ring, was wearing it today when he came home. He hasn't worn it the past few weeks, so I found it interesting he would take it with him on his trip.

I know, I know. Jello brain. There is no logic.

One other interesting thing...

Out of the blue tonight, he suggests we take the boys to a theme park this summer that is about an hour away. It is actually a perfect place for them, and I think they would have a great time.

But... He's bringing up doing something as a family? I should be happy, but I feel suspicious. I think it's because I don't feel like I can let my guard down. Ever. We'll see if he brings it up again closer to summer...

That's all tonight for me... It's been another long weekend and I'm pooped!

Have a great evening everybody

[uRworthy]

T, I know how hard it is when they are still at home. It does get easier with time.

I am glad you are enjoying things more.

As far as your h not coming right home. It is an internal conflict for him. I know too bad, so sad for him, right? LOL!

But it is. Home represents two different things for them, so they are conflicted.

And he is even more conflicted seeing life go on regardless of what he is doing.

And yep, they make plans for the future. Again their inner conflict.

Take it with a grain of salt.

He's got a ways to go and is not quite done baking.

You, however, are doing great!

[reachingHigher]

Tvs, just read your post again.

I remember my H last summer asking me in detail about some things. I think salsa dancing was one of them. He asked me so many questions I thought he was gonna sign up with me! Then he got the glazed-over look in his eyes and I knew he had slipped back to netherworld.

They go through some weird stuff. But I feel, in my gut, like you are on the right track to get him asking about what you are doing. You want him to realize he is missing out. And he is. On so much!

He's just getting older and the boys are growing and he will be so sorry!

My H hasn't exactly expressed sorrow for time he has missed, but he is very often mentioning how little time he has left before S13 is fully grown or how he is changing so rapidly (as S19 is pretty much grown and at college, etc.).

Tvs, you can hold your head high today and every day.
I'm so proud of your integrity and loving strength!

rH

[Takevowsserious]

Thanks UW

You think that's where the term "half baked" came from? lol!!!

rH, I can see this anxiety in my H of him feeling left out or missing things. Where as a year ago he tried to be away from home as much as possible and could have cared less what I did or where I was, now he seems to be clinging a bit to me, our kids, our life.

What does it mean? I have no idea. Does it even mean anything?

I will say that this has gone on for awhile, and is only getting more frequent (the asking me lots of questions and being curious about me and the boys).

Sometimes he even inquires about the oddest things.

I told him that I was taking a special live music yoga class this week. He asked me all kinds of questions about it, even what kind of instruments were going to be used. I told him a guitar, and he jokingly said, "Oh, I though maybe it was a piccolo" and we both laughed at his joke.

Yes, you read that correctly. He made a JOKE!

Still putting one foot in front of the other, and taking it day by day.

Thanks for chiming in rH, I always love hearing from you

[reachingHigher]

and we both laughed at his joke.

Yes, you read that correctly. He made a JOKE!

Lol!!

I have more time to post now (since my fall last week) and the only muscles I'm building are the ones I use to type on my iPad

I slipped on a plastic lid in our pantry, which I had meant to take to our shed long ago. I kept trying to get my footing like a cartoon character that's legs are going out from under them. S13 was in the next room and said it would've been very funny had I not gotten hurt!

I feel great now, of course, just waiting for the go-ahead to start working out again.

I'm interested in further developments from your H. I looked at some of my threads from December since wfm is wading through all them! Tvs, you really have been with me the whole time. You posted some awesome stuff to me. Always there to help and encourage.

I can't thank you enough!

I SO want your H's fog to lift!

[uRworthy]

T, I agree with RH, I think your h is beginning to peek out a bit.

So, keep going the way you have been. Sometimes you have to back away to have them follow. Kinda like a horse to a carrot or a cuckoo to its clock. LOL!

And an MLCer who made a joke. Whoo hoo! That's a big one! haha.

I know you got this, T.