Letting Go & Moving Forward

[littleGTO]

You're right, ruby. It IS going to take a long time to heal, move on, grieve, forgive and trust again.

You're also spot on with your question about why did I engage him. I don't know. I'll I can say was we were going along w the day at the house without even talking to each other and he was basically doing his own thing (washing his truck) and I just wanted him to WANT to talk with me.

He obviously wasn't initiating any conversation w me, so I thought I would engage him. BIG mistake considering my frame of mind.

I am definitely noticing a pattern w my emotions. When I seem to have a good day the next day has often been a difficult day. When I am more "neutral" in my emotions I tend not to "roller coaster" as much from day to day.

I am just not seeing ANY baby steps from H after all these months. Really want to focus on myself but seem to be slipping back to focusing on him.

Had a nightmare last night that people (friends) were all gathered around pitying me to my face but then turning around and socializing w him (he told me yesterday that he had just talked to an old h.s. buddy who we would see once a year in the summer but didn't this past summer due to my MIL's passing).

This is just soooooooooooooo hard & painful!!!!!!!!!!