"Yesterday, all four of us were walking to go on the boat and S8 said mommy are you happy with us? I said this is the best part of my like all of you and he said except if daddy was living with us it would be better (all in front of H), and I said lets enjoy the moment now S8 it is a wonderful day and he said ok."
Poor guy, I think he is checking if you are leaving too I really like your response though. That was very well done
The impact on kids is so huge, my H is just coming to realize this as S16 really doesn't like him right now and D13 is desperate for contact.
Thanks NLW. You are right I think about time giving way to some of the answers we seek. I am here with you too. xxx
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Gosh IO, I hadn't even thought about it that way with regards to my S8....I didnt think he would think I could leave too. I guess though if his dad can leave....wow.
We got through the day. I must admit I did feel sad. We all did this morning. I know though that this is not in my hands anymore. I am talking to my coach tomorrow and am looking forward to that.
Anyway, I feel a sense of relief to back to being dark (except for kids). My expectations continue to remain at zero. I need to work on more detachment as my head still has some thoughts that bring up anger/sadness/fear. But I am much more aware of myself than I ever have been, and that gives me a sense of calm. I am in control of me and I have choice. And I did stand up for myself to H a few times while he was here and that was good for me. Didnt have to yell, threaten, demean or shame. The one time we did argue (i posted about it), he had a good time demeaning me in an effort to feel better about himself. I realise he has had very little, if any, personal growth on his journey yet.
I like being aware of how I used to react and I how I can see now that I can choose to react in certain ways. I used to excuse so much of my behaviour to my 'feelings'. Yuck.
Needless to say, H did text this afternoon 'hi, how is everyone'. I almost dropped the phone..if he is asking about EVERYONE then could it be possible I am included in that question!?? !!! LOL Certainly he cant exclude me from everyone?? lol
Well, time to get S8 to bed. D5 already asleep.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I woke up and thought, I am done with this. It was a weird feeling. I need to sit with it for awhile. I felt done before. This felt deeper.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I dont know. It felt like I wanted to be done with the groundhog day of waking up every morning feeling like 'here we go again'. Not seeing much progress in the sitch (I do see progress with myself)..wanting to share my life with him and not being able to....I think this is also being triggered with the fact that he just left and me and the kids are readjusting to that again.
I am not sure. I know I am happy. I know I am ok on my own. I know I am still standing.
What does this mean?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I dont know. It felt like I wanted to be done with the groundhog day of waking up every morning feeling like 'here we go again'. Not seeing much progress in the sitch (I do see progress with myself)..wanting to share my life with him and not being able to....I think this is also being triggered with the fact that he just left and me and the kids are readjusting to that again.
I am not sure. I know I am happy. I know I am ok on my own. I know I am still standing.
What does this mean?
You know, I posted that I was ready to have this stop taking up space in my head. I am like you, happy, okay on my own. I wonder if it is a question of a little more time?
Maybe. I think it was also the feeling of doing this on my own. Waking up on my own, raising the kids in my own... Get me? It was a dread of being alone. I haven't felt like that before in this way. Before it was a needy feeling needing H back. This was more of a feeling of wanting to add to my life.
I don't know. I am not expressing myself very well.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Still can't pinpoint my feelings from this morning. It's lingering and I hope to figure it out. Am speaking with my coach shortly. I always look forward to that.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
No hurry to figure out what is going on, right? You are doing great - sitting with your feelings, as confusing as they are, instead of reacting to them.
You recognize the factors affecting your state of mind - H just leaving and waking up and going back to daily routine and grind on your own. I feel the same way. I am grateful for my kids and my life, I just wished I didn't have to do it alone - it is exhausting many times. It's the feeling of wanting to share your life with someone you love, of being part of a team and a family, and of having someone you can also lean on...
I send you a hug and look forward to hearing how your coaching session went.
(((((( busitng )))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I really like your response though. That was very well done 
