LRT - Dealing with WAW Affair

[RealityTrip]

Hello IO and KD. Thanks for checking in on me. This forum is just what I need right now.

KD, I am learning that I have a control issue. Not an out right in your face control issue but a subtle, manipulitive one. I thought about your question. Why am I scared for my wife? And the answer lies within my control issue. I'm scared when I don't control other people's choices when I think they will directly affect me or the people I love. I want her to do what I THINK she should do and I don't trust that she will make the right decision for herself. I'm afraid if I'm not locked in competition with the AP, effectively pointing out her faults that left unattended my WAW will be duped like the other two women and she will turn around 3 years down the road and regret her decision and be terribly unhappy. I'm scared for her because letting her go means letting her make her own decisions and I'm afraid she will hurt me.

My control issue manifests in passive aggressive tecniques. During the time that she was travelling on the road for work, even prior to the AP joining her company. I had my own resentment issues. I resented her for not being at home every night. For not taking a 9-5 like I have so we could be together more. When she would return from a trip I would shut down. I would test her love for me by not doing the dishes, the laundry, walking the dogs. I was making her prove her love for me and forcing her to take care of me. I was the lonely spouse holding down the fort. I thought I had it worse than her and that her life was all hotels and cocktails. I now know she was very lonely on the road.

The DB process itself is wholeheartedly forcing me to admit and look at my passive aggressive control issue. I'm a fixer to the Nth degree. Not because I'm a caretaker but because I am trying to control the decisions around me to protect myself from pain.

Since working on detaching I've realized how freakin' tiring that was! Spending mental energy in controlling decisions that ultimately I really don't have any control over at all. It has caused me to be very closed off to opening up to new people. I could only juggle so many balls at a time.

As for the AP, yes she is most definitley a predator. Up to the past two weeks or so I've always felt like I had to protect my WAW from the AP. But I was just pushing her closer by being a "know-it-all", "my way is best", "can't you see", kind of person. My WAW has always taken longer to process emotions and make decisons than me. But if I stop and really look at it... even though her decisions were not within the time frame I wanted, she always made the right choices. For herself and for us. I need to trust her to do that, but it's very hard after this betrayal to trust her at all.