And I know I shouldn't, but I keep looking for signs/patterns that might signal the beginning of the end.
Like, 18months -2 years after BD seems to be a time-frame that's common to several changes of heart.
Or, the mlc-er getting way worse all of a sudden; i.e. dropping further down the tunnel before bouncing up to out (or nearly out).
You are not the only one. Actually, I think your time line is about right - 18 months - 2 years. I never looked at the MLCer getting worse as a good sign, but if I look back to the "stages", I can see how it can be. So, the fact that I have not heard from my xSO in almost two weeks (aside from a reply text) can be a good thing? I like your optimism!
Kaffe, your comments are very interesting. They show that no matter how "scripted" some of this stuff is, there are always variations on a theme. My experience was that xSO did not enter into full blown MLC (i.e. visible to me) until after BD. I knew something was "wrong" prior to that, but guessed it was stress and other things. After BD, he was cruel and nasty. Those particular attributes have subsided but it was not until BD which coincided with the A becoming physical, that he seemed ready to choose a side, as it were.
Originally Posted By: AJM
In my experience, what people do is look for that "happiness". They look for it in drugs, parties, activities, or people. They try new clothes (the advertisers tell you how happy you'll be with their products), cars, etc. They are constantly searching. Some for a very long time. They tell themselves and anyone that will listen how happy they are. How they "deserve" to be happy. How the spouse is holding them back (by making them responsible.) They lash out. They blame. They cheat. Lie. Steal. Do all kinds of crazy and destructive things in search of that elusive happiness. Possessions: they gather all kinds of "things". We on the outside see how ridiculous it is to try and fill that gaping void that way. They do not. They are all action and no coherent thought. At least not coherent in a way others would understand. And always that gnawing pain. Until they figure it out. If they figure it out.
I find that sad. I find it sad how they hurt those around them: family, friends, pets, etc. How they are so scared they hang on to their spouse while they beat them senseless emotionally, saying things like, "I can come back when I want to (I can stop anytime?)", or "we'll always be friends" etc. We are the one person they currently know that would help them in a positive way.
At some point, we realize we cannot help them. We turn our attention to helping ourselves. We realize that they say these things to help themselves and we are at first, willing to take that to help them. We eventually realize it doesn't help them, but does hurt us. So we stop that behavior. We set boundaries. We begin to explore who we are as individuals. And at some point along the way, we realize we don't want any part of that abuse or the train wreck they became. We just hope for their own sake they find what they are looking for. But we stop looking for it. We hope, but we no longer pay attention. We hope as we would for any old friend or even the postman.
I hijacked this quote from AJM from someone else's thread. I am beginning to feel this way. As much as I hope xSO and I can work this out, for right now, I need a break. I cannot do anything more. The rest is up to him to at least make the first moves.
It is strange how less than two months ago, hearing from him was such a big deal. I wanted to hear from him. And now, I almost hope he will leave me alone. Time for me. As AJ said, we begin to realize that there is nothing - good or bad - that we can do.
