Hi! I was here for awhile during my separation and divorce which happened almost exactly 5 and 4 years ago, respectively. Had I been a great success story, I would have stayed to help others, because being here helped me more than I can say. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to all those that helped me (even just by reading their stories).
My ex-husband wanted nothing at all to do with any type of reconciliation, even though I tried for as long as he actually stayed in contact with me. Now, I have little idea of where he is or what he is up to, and that's OK.
Since then, since literally when I knew it was all over, I have been dating, but have been struggling much with it. I've done so much work on myself and so much soul searching, but it doesn't seem to end up in attracting the right person, or I am still traumatized (one or the other) - basically, I end up breaking up with every man I date after about 2-3 months (or less). I get excited about them at first, but the minute they become too eager or clingy, I run like hell. I've recently entered into therapy because I want to resolve this, but therapy has been mostly about how I am still so traumatized from my divorce, and all I want is to move on. I've experienced the pain, to the point of severe depression, I no longer want to be there.
Sadly enough, I still love my ex-husband and compare every new guy I meet to him.
How do I change this situation? I don't want to contact my ex-husband or rehash anything with him, like going back through the wedding photos I have cried over multiple times (as my therapist - who is great - tends to encourage me to do) - I just want to move forward. Any contact I make with him is likely to go badly for me, and I think one mean word from him would kill me at this point.
I just want to be able to open my heart enough to let the right (new) man in. But I seem to have no idea how to do that. And I feel time constricting on me, because I want to have a family (children) with that man. If I don't find him in time, I guess that might be OK, but it would just be another vast heartbreak I would have to deal with, and maybe never recover from.
If there is anyone that can offer some word of comfort or some advice, I would really appreciate it. Thank you.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
You attract who you are. Maybe you were dating to feel better but really you weren't ready. I think not being with anyone until you feel good being alone is the way to go.
I don't know how old you are or how long you were married for. The healing time varies and those numbers can make a big difference. I believe it is natural to want to rush out of the pain. There will be memories that will take you off guard, pictures that will break your heart, those things are ok. You will get to where those thing don't hurt. Everything that you have been through is making you into a better person. So be gad when you can face the past.
I didn't save my marriage but I saved myself and my kids. They are ready for me to date and well, I am too.
Kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Yeah, but the thing is - no one is complete on their own. I mean, we can have a lot of bravado and we can do a lot of yoga and/or slam beers (depending on our gender), but we are all social creatures who need each other.
I'm in my late 30's so I am at the tail end of having children. I know that I am still very fertile and could have children now. Now it's just up to fate.
Maybe women/men that already have children shouldn't judge, unless they can remember what's it's like to not have their own baby or a man/woman to love.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
Maybe women/men that already have children shouldn't judge, unless they can remember what's it's like to not have their own baby or a man/woman to love.
True... although...
I have one adopted and one biological and I WOULD have another, if I could... well, if I had a willing partner...
I'm wondering if you are clear on what you want and I understand your "clock" is ticking.
There is artificial insemination and there is also adoption options...
Or is it really...
That you want to have a willing boyfriend and then husband as soon as possible so that the two of you can have a biological child?
Tall order and lots of pressure on you...
Which... under such pressure... you may be coming across as... desperate?
If you really want to have a biological child, I would recommend that you look at many options.
<i>Which... under such pressure... you may be coming across as... desperate?</i>
The exact opposite, actually - which is my problem: I leave any man I date that shows me a whisper of desperation. No one has left me since my husband, and I leave them because I think they are...too desperate. Too wanting to be close.
I'm not old enough to be desperate for babies. I am young enough to have been damaged for life. He MAY have broken me in some fundamental way, but I'm not willing to accept that fate.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
So, want to be attracted to someone who is confident, independent, interested in having children, secure...? be those things....
I appreciate what you're saying, but with all due respect, I already am those things you name. I am confident (possibly to a fault, because guys fall all over my projected confidence), independent (started my own business, financially independent, live on my own), secure (I am very secure in myself and what I have to offer), interested in having children (already mentioned).
In addition, I am everything else I want in a man: attractive, tall, funny, smart, playful, talented, accomplished, active, athletic, curious, interesting.
I'm not trying to brag or boast in any way, as I said in my first post - if I wasn't already a great catch, I have done all the work to make myself a great catch.
If anything, when I get into a relationship with a man these days, I am the opposite of needy and clingy - I demand nothing of him and want him to ask me nothing in return, to a fault.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I remember quite clearly the years of fertility issues, even between kids. I am not judging but can see how that ticking clock is making you sound.
Yes of course people are social beings. By all means get together with friends, have pot luck parties, movie nights but you don't " need" to be in a relationship to be happy. You are putting pressure on yourself to have kids and in turn are coming across as needing a man now.
You can have a child on your own. I am no fan of Angelina Jolie but when she was ready to have a child she did. We are complete on our own. If anything, another person should compliment you.
I won't lie that being a parent is the hardest job you will ever have. It is also the most rewarding. A child does need you as they are not able to do much on their own. They don't complete you either as they may not even be an extension of you. The man you are with may want kids but not be willing to sacrifice as much as they require. I want you to think about that. My ex is an only child and has no idea how to deal with sibling rivalries even now after having more than one child for 17 years. He hasn't put in the time or effort to know his kids, they comment that they don't view him as a parent just someone that want to be buddies with them.
Just some food for thought.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Oh and about projected confidence,that isn't the same as actual confidence. Maybe you have tried to become what you think guys want that you lost your true self in there. So men are attracted to what they think you are,which may not be the real you.
Before you come back being defensive, think about what we are saying to you and see if you are feeling some truth there. You are asking us,you haven't given us much to go on except that you are broken and want a baby. We are really trying to help.
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
