Letting Go & Moving Forward

[littleGTO]

Thanks, everyone, for your support!

I've had another roller coaster weekend. Friday went to the gym after work to de-stress, then home to a rainy evening w my boys.

Saturday was nice here & I had my first meet-up bike ride. It was a very casual 25 mile ride, but I met a couple of very nice "bike buddies" along the way (as it was so casual we could talk and ride).

I was feeling good after this & my new custom-made bike (first time out) was awesome!!!

Didn't even cross paths w H on Saturday as we were at different places w kids at different times, and my bike ride. So, that was good for me.

Had GF over at my house for drinks that evening while boys watched a movie. Nice, GAL for me!

Today, however, was NOT good for me. Went to church w 2/3 boys (as one had bball practice) & felt weepy during the service. I could tell I was on edge w my emotions (but no real reason why).

H come over at about 1:30 and hung out (although he barely interacted w boys b/c they were playing w friends from our neighborhood). I wanted to tell him he didn't need to stay as the boys were occupied w friends and he was going to be spending the whole week (days) w them as it is their school vacation & H is off from work too.

But, I didn't & the longer he stayed the more agitated I got. I went over to talk w him (I shouldn't have) and tried to make chit-chat, but it ended up w talk about money and his setting up new accounts and how he was going to end up short by giving me the amount of money I told him I needed to pay the bills, blah, blah, blah.

He said something about how he asked me over a month ago to set up his own cell phone bill & how I have been "dragging my feet" about this. I said it didn't make sense to me if we were trying to save money to have two cell bills (I know, I know, I shouldn't have argued about this...peanuts in the grand scheme...),

...but then he said, you should understand why I want/need my own bills. I was getting so agitated I walked away and said, "I just don't understand any of this!"

I went back to gardening but was so angry that I threw my bucket against the cement of our house & it broke (that felt SOOOOO GOOD)! But then ran into the house and cried my eyes out for about 15 minutes.

I know he came in the house and heard me, but he didn't even bother to come to see how I was doing (which he used to do). Again, I know I should have NO EXPECTATIONS. And, I really don't want him consoling me anyway. It just feels to me like he doesn't give a $hit about me any more.

I need to let go!!!!!!!!!

My logic knows this. My heart can't give him up. And yet he is already gone....so, I'm not sure my heart can't accept this. (Well, 21 years is a long, long time, so I guess it's going to take some time-yep.)