Journal - So after a week and a half, I still feel pretty good about the tea meeting. I'm really happy about how I handled that day, and continue to not have any regrets.
She texted me last friday saying how nice it was to see me and thanking me again for making her comfortable.
Haven't heard from her since - and that is okay by me. I have a life to live and I enjoy it.
But there are some things that have happened recently causing triggers and forcing me to look deep at myself for the answers.
My x is making amends to her mom this weekend. It's a pretty big deal as her mom has hurt her a ton in the past. For x to ask for forgiveness without her mom doing it first - I would imagine is a pretty huge step.
For the past 2 years I have stopped myself from reaching out. Respecting the boundaries x has implemented, I realize the benefit of us taking space to heal and figure out who we were/are as individuals.
But the tea meeting has changed things.. or so I think?
It feels like the door has been opened between us with our last chat. So, It wouldn't be a crazy notion for me to check in and see how it went. Not necessary tomorrow - but after a bit.
It would be very normal action for who I am as a person.
Yet - I live in fear of rejection. That I may try to build a friendship and x pushes me away. That is what stops me from reaching out.
It seems that it would be the same dynamic. Me always reaching out to x to let her know that I was here and still cared.....
... I want HER to reach out to me.
But maybe she did. I guess it's arguable that tea was a baby step for her.
And maybe it's arguable that although they are the same actions, motives are now entirely different as her and I have both grown ALOT in the past 2 years.
It's hard to say. It's hard to care about someone and not reach out. And my gut says that in some ways She feels the same way.
If she were anybody else - this would be a no-brainer.
It's not really a question of if SHE is worth the risk. It's more of am I willing to risk my heart to be who I am.. or strive to be?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
