Letting Go & Moving Forward

[ThisDayForward]

I think it is odd you only think it is EA from a guys point of view

[littleGTO]

Thanks, everyone, for your support!

I've had another roller coaster weekend. Friday went to the gym after work to de-stress, then home to a rainy evening w my boys.

Saturday was nice here & I had my first meet-up bike ride. It was a very casual 25 mile ride, but I met a couple of very nice "bike buddies" along the way (as it was so casual we could talk and ride).

I was feeling good after this & my new custom-made bike (first time out) was awesome!!!

Didn't even cross paths w H on Saturday as we were at different places w kids at different times, and my bike ride. So, that was good for me.

Had GF over at my house for drinks that evening while boys watched a movie. Nice, GAL for me!

Today, however, was NOT good for me. Went to church w 2/3 boys (as one had bball practice) & felt weepy during the service. I could tell I was on edge w my emotions (but no real reason why).

H come over at about 1:30 and hung out (although he barely interacted w boys b/c they were playing w friends from our neighborhood). I wanted to tell him he didn't need to stay as the boys were occupied w friends and he was going to be spending the whole week (days) w them as it is their school vacation & H is off from work too.

But, I didn't & the longer he stayed the more agitated I got. I went over to talk w him (I shouldn't have) and tried to make chit-chat, but it ended up w talk about money and his setting up new accounts and how he was going to end up short by giving me the amount of money I told him I needed to pay the bills, blah, blah, blah.

He said something about how he asked me over a month ago to set up his own cell phone bill & how I have been "dragging my feet" about this. I said it didn't make sense to me if we were trying to save money to have two cell bills (I know, I know, I shouldn't have argued about this...peanuts in the grand scheme...),

...but then he said, you should understand why I want/need my own bills. I was getting so agitated I walked away and said, "I just don't understand any of this!"

I went back to gardening but was so angry that I threw my bucket against the cement of our house & it broke (that felt SOOOOO GOOD)! But then ran into the house and cried my eyes out for about 15 minutes.

I know he came in the house and heard me, but he didn't even bother to come to see how I was doing (which he used to do). Again, I know I should have NO EXPECTATIONS. And, I really don't want him consoling me anyway. It just feels to me like he doesn't give a $hit about me any more.

I need to let go!!!!!!!!!

My logic knows this. My heart can't give him up. And yet he is already gone....so, I'm not sure my heart can't accept this. (Well, 21 years is a long, long time, so I guess it's going to take some time-yep.)

[JuneReN]

(((turtle))))

It is a long time, so it's gonna take a while, don't you think?

Can you go a little deeper into why you thought it was necessary to engage him? I know you said chit chat, but you said you were agitated and you must have known that it wasn't going to go well.

What were you looking for?

[littleGTO]

You're right, ruby. It IS going to take a long time to heal, move on, grieve, forgive and trust again.

You're also spot on with your question about why did I engage him. I don't know. I'll I can say was we were going along w the day at the house without even talking to each other and he was basically doing his own thing (washing his truck) and I just wanted him to WANT to talk with me.

He obviously wasn't initiating any conversation w me, so I thought I would engage him. BIG mistake considering my frame of mind.

I am definitely noticing a pattern w my emotions. When I seem to have a good day the next day has often been a difficult day. When I am more "neutral" in my emotions I tend not to "roller coaster" as much from day to day.

I am just not seeing ANY baby steps from H after all these months. Really want to focus on myself but seem to be slipping back to focusing on him.

Had a nightmare last night that people (friends) were all gathered around pitying me to my face but then turning around and socializing w him (he told me yesterday that he had just talked to an old h.s. buddy who we would see once a year in the summer but didn't this past summer due to my MIL's passing).

This is just soooooooooooooo hard & painful!!!!!!!!!!

[JuneReN]

Gotcha. Same here with the good/bad days.

Also I will try to force interaction as well, but am trying to duct tape fingers lol from texting or initiating, especially in the first week or so that GF is back...bleah.

I was just commenting that I am slipping back, so have redoubled efforts in keeping busy and working on myself

[bustingout]

It is hard and painful but you can do it. Its good that you are recognizing patterns within yourself-that is what will help you become more self-aware of your triggers, needs and responses. It will help you to be better able to control your responses rather than react to your feelings.

Don't worry about baby steps from H right now. Focus on your own baby steps to becoming an even more fabulous version of you.

I know this is not easy Little. I did the same so often...engaged because I wanted to feel that he wanted to talk to me. I didn't want to feel like he doesn't care about me. I wanted to make sure there was still some sort of connection.

It takes time. And then more time. And more time after that. Emotions are still raw even though it has been months. This is your time. And no one elses.

Let the mind lead and the heart will follow.

Love you Turtle.

[littleGTO]

Thanks, ruby & bustin,

Your words made me tear up, b. Emotions are raw- very raw.

And, I don't feel fabulous at all right now. I am questioning WHY I was not good enough for H. WHY he felt the need to seek out OW. WHY, after 20 years together did things fall apart and I not see them doing so until too late?

Sorry, just having a pity party solo.

I guess I will just drive myself crazy trying to rationalize things when they just aren't rational decisions he's made.

Boys spend the day with their dad (first day of school vacation). They had fun but S11 was getting upset this evening that I am not a part of their vacation time too (first year ever, as I could not get off of work this week). He said it's just not the same w/o you. I tried to convince him it would be great that he gets to spend more time w his dad since they don't see him as much, but that wasn't enough for him. S9 essentially said the same thing earlier in the evening.

I use to like roller coasters. Now, not so much.

[JuneReN]

(((Turtle)))

I don't know either. To me, grown ups at least give it a shot, you know? But I guess it comes as such a relief to WAH that they can leave. However, I do know in my case H said that I became happy and he didn't, so it forced him to look at his own part in marriage as well. He also leapt into his current R and I wonder what they look for and what we could not provide etc.

But I always come back to what IC said. She said that in the next relationship, the interactions won't be the same because it won't be H you are interacting with. Even now, it is a different H and I am a different Ruby. So, without expectation of reactions, it works a little better.

Sometimes it helps to think of H as someone else and then your reactions are based on him being an acquaintance rather than someone you thought you knew inside out

[bustingout]

Hi GTO, I was just thinking that some of the stuff J3B wrote to me about might help you.

This is the thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2257379&page=1

He gave me golden advice and guidance.

[littleGTO]

Thanks, bustin,

I just finished reading your thread you gave me the link to. J3B definitely had some good advice--much of which I can use in my sitch.

I have some anxiety & need advice.

My H is on vacation this week & is w our boys every day. THe past two days have been packed w activities together & a day trip out to see his F/Sis. But, the anxiety for me is that he is taking the boys to a park tomorrow & for some reason I am anxious that he is going to try to meet up w OW & her kids.

He did this last Memorial Day when I was out of town visiting my B/SIL & met up at a bounce house place. (Before BD).

We had a convo a while back about her NOT being around our boys AT ALL. Other than that one time I don't believe they've ever seen her (& didn't probably even realize that she was anything other than a work friend of his that they just "happen" to run into there).

He said he understood my feelings (& I took this to mean he would respect them by NOT exposing them to HER).

BUt, I don't trust him & now I'm wondering if he feels he didn't make any kind of promise to me in that conversation.

And, I can just see him using this as an excuse to get together w her over vacation (although he could see her every evening if he was so inclined and I wouldn't even know).

My dilemma is do I say something to him now to assure myself that he is not meeting up w OW in their presence? Do I say "I assume you are respecting my request not to see OW when around kids?" Do I say nothing & have it eat away at me?

While I know I ultimately have NO CONTROL over what he does and doesn't do this is HUGE to me!

I am a wreck thinking that he could possibly do this! And, while I have thought about this (future) possible scenario of H introducing OW to our kids I am NOT ready to deal w how I would handle this with them.

I'm not sure that I wouldn't tell them who she is really is (although I know with every fiber of my being that this is NOT what I'd consider the right thing to do as I know I'd be telling them something that may taint their R w their dad & w her if she were to become someone more permanent in his life).

Any advice on the conversation I should or shouldn't have w H regarding him seeing OW "casually" at the park or anywhere else for that matter???