I just started to get a really bad feeling about meeting him on Tuesday. I figure he's going to tell me that he's taking me to court over the kids.
No other reason that I can think of for him to want to meet me. Nothing to discuss.
I got D17 to ring him one more time tonight to tell him that she needed her phone because she is on call for work tomorrow. He listened to her and then said he'd consider and that he'd ring back later.
Two hours later he called and made her apologise again. Then he insisted that she say "I will never be rude to you again".
I heard her say "I can't really promise that - I will try not to be, but I can't promise something like that; I can't see into the future".
He insisted and she said the words.
He then came over with OW in the car and dropped off her phone after 4 days of 'holding it hostage' (as she described it). He stopped for all of 30 secs, telling the kids he was "in a hurry".
Re your point: "There is no rule you need to continue to communicate with him"
That made me think. I feel like i have some sort of 'duty' to communicate with him. But why?
I think I believe that others (his parents, my kids, the legal system) all expect/require me to do so. That I will not be doing 'the right thing' if i refuse to speak to him.
And, really, nobody knows the trouble I've seen (!) with him except me, so by refusing to communicate, i come across as more of the 'cow' that he depicts me as.
One of the most valuable things I learned early on is A) I am a control freak and B) the fact that the only person I can control is me. This helped me immensely with my relationship with my kids, as I had tried to control everything and it really wasn't working.
So I recognize your H's petty behaviour for what it is and I kinda feel sorry for him, because he is not developing the relationship he could have with what seems like some very awesome kids
I could have been in your position. That guy is out of control. Way out of control. Let him threaten. Just pray and you will receive. Go dark and don't respond.
That guy needs to take a long walk off a short pier.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
((((((NLW)))))) I can only echo the others on going dark. Even if he calls the kids and then asks to speak to you, IMO I would go dark. When he calls the kids, get yourself busy so no one has to lie... jump in the shower, take the garbage out, go to the bathroom....whatever. Don't be available.
If he wants to reach out in a positive way, he will find a way to do that.
Take care of YOU now. And I liked IO's idea about the throwaway phone. Try not to need him for anything.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I second that. Get her an inexpensive phone. H kept threatening me about shutting down my cell until I got it switched into my name. Now it's mine and the threat is null. I think that made him even angrier.
No matter what you do you will be the enemy. Key is to outlast him and his anger. And you can. Love and peace outweigh hate and anger any day.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Thanks for your advice about not responding to the pdf... he knows how to push my buttons.
I like your idea too about bringing a witness to the meeting. I'm wracking my brain to think of someone stbx wouldn't recognise, however. Maybe I should just put my phone on 'record'?
I thought about getting D17 another phone - actually, she would have had to get it for herself. But she was not at all keen. She has to pay for everything for herself these days - clothes, outings, lunches, etc and has so little money that this would be too much. Since stbx has stopped all CS payment, I am literally struggling to put food on the table at the moment, so I can't pay for anything else.
I would love to be able to say Keep the phone. But he plays a really good game. He has us hamstrung. I'm so hoping that a judge will see his behaviour for what it is: controlling and fundamentally abusive.
This is a hard one for me to take on. I get it. It's not possible to control others. They will form their own opinions no matter what.
But.. but... I've been around long enough to know that there are some real operators out there - and some people are adept at manipulating others to their own ends. This often involves recruiting others to their point of view.
I'm starting to sound paranoid, I know... but stbx has recently successfully alienated his parents from me and the kids. He accused me of 'sucking up' to them because we still saw each other, particularly on birthdays and christmas. He wasn't there and he resented it. Then came his campaign of: She is poisoning the kids against me. She won't let me see the children. She won't let me bring the kids to see you.
Whether they swallowed it completely or just decided to pull back to avoid the fight, I don't know. But the outcome for me and the kids is no contact with them and no financial help or food coming our way any more. They don't even know that he's stopped CS. His campaign of disinformation coincided with stopping payments. Imagine that...
So, this is where I'm coming from in having difficulty accepting that "It's none of my business what others think of me".
I know 'the truth' will probably come out in the end but, in the meantime, I feel like I need to be seen to be 'doing the right thing' or else I just play into his game.
