DBing, European style

[makingmagic]

hmmm... I can see how you would feel like that, I guess you are still living together?

Sundays... new 180 for me this week! I typically have anxiety and expectations on Sundays (as it is a work day for us), and get depressed/anxiety and my head mind reads when I cannot reach h on sunday mornings, after knowing hes been out saturday night...he sleeps over at a buddy's house so he can drink (several 180's for him...socializing, staying overnight at friends & not answering his phone till at least lunch, this coming from a guy who cannot sleep and wakes up at 7am every day, would not socialize regardless of how I begged, answers the phone at all hours and always Insisted he was too tired ALL THE TIME to have fun with me/D)does this now EVERY WEEKEND, so it seems . So, the plan for this week was doing something different and shutting myself off too!

[Papa4Life]

Yes, W and I still living together, though SBRs. Kinda hard sometimes, because I wept a bit last night (again) and W knocked on the door, though I didn't let her in. I try to be strong and only show an upbeat, happy person, unfortunatelt she's still in close proximity during my weaker moments. It's almost as if I look forward to getting my own place, because I think my DBing will be more effective.

But, of course, in your case the only way to counter his newfound sociability is to work even harder on GAL, right?. Trust me, once I started getting out, W stepped it up herself, almost as if to try to outdo me. As if they need to prove to themselves that life will be so much happier, even if you are enjoying yourself more. They have to convince themselves, "No, I'm still happier now, even though I could be having fun with my spouse," the foolish, fog-addled dears.

[makingmagic]

ohh.. I have way more of a "life" than my h. I have always been a social butterfly. I just now, would prefer to be home with h. But... i keep on trucking, just going through the motions. Faking it.

I do think my h is borderline WAS and MLC, I "think" he thinks he can do better, or at least quesions it. GOOD LUCK ! After talking to several male friends, he should be so lucky to have me. I have been pretty dang awesome (especially in the bedroom) and for almost 20 years. After hearing about mens complaints in there... WOW! I am a dreamboat (LOL).

Sorry to hear about the weeping (she is not supposed to SEE/HEAR it).. it guilts them and made my h want to run (he told me this)... so sucked it up as fast as I could. NEVER let him see me cry again.

Have a good evening P4L... on my way out now. Hope you can find something to do!!

[makingmagic]

So... I failed on my Sunday...how was your Friday?

[Papa4Life]

Friday lived up to the stereotype, unfortunately. W and I went to MC, who had agreed in IC with me that we would focus at least a portion of the discussion on the major drawbacks to D. Instead, she decided to remain what she termed "impartial," which apparently in her lexiconography means "tell (me) again that you want a D, tell him why yet again, and maybe it's a good idea to tell the kids about D tonight so they'll have the weekend to process it." And I'm PAYING for this. Money well spent.

Then we talked to our financial advisor who made it clear to me that, even though I'm with the kids more often and W will probably be required to pay palimony (stings the male ego a bit despite the fact that I'm a feminist, but it's up to the judge and the laws of NL, which I have no control over), regardless, I won't be able to take over the mortgage because I haven't had a 'job' (gainful self-employment doesn't count, don'tcha know) for at least three years. Which means I'll have to move to my own place.

And to top it all off, went out with BIL to "relax" and ended up listening to him try to convince me to just accept the D and "get on with my life for the benefit of the kids." Dope. Maybe I'm crazy, but looking two three year olds in the eye and telling them that mama and papa don't love each other any more doesn't exactly strike me as 'beneficial'.

And I'm like you, I'm quite the bobcat in the sack myself, so she doesn't know what she's gonna be missing . For them it's just the dream of the BBD: the bigger and better deal. Good luck with that.

[makingmagic]

ouch...sounds like its time to stop the MC.

[Papa4Life]

MC is done. I told the therapist as much on Fri. She said we could bring the kids and tell them there, but I think she's had enough perverse pleasure from this whole sitch as it is.

Today, Sunday, turned out pretty awful as well, I'm afraid. I shot myself in the foot yet again, unfortunately. Done that so many times now they're starting to look like Swiss cheese. Today was pretty much the B-day to end all B-days. W made it clear that nothing I could do would get her to change her mind about wanting a D, and that she wished I would just move on. I dunno about anybody else's H/W, but when my W puts her foot down, no bulldozer on earth could pick it up again. I even mentioned how effed up it was that BIL went on about giving up, and she actually seemed pleased.

Obviously this is getting me nowhere so I need to really focus more on me. I'm actually looking forward to getting my own place so I can be more effective in improving myself for the sake of my kids, poor things. It's just so hard being so far from home, not being that at home with how the system works, and going through this having left so much behind. Now I'm looking at moving on at 42 with four kids. Potential dates aren't exactly going to be lining up at my door, are they? I'm in the best shape of my life, so maybe that'll help, but the one person I'm interested in being with just wants me to go away. Sorry...there I go again feeling sorry for myself... In truth, I've got to keep going with working on me, because there's nothing left to lose.

[mrtwopointfour]

I dunno about anybody else's H/W, but when my W puts her foot down, no bulldozer on earth could pick it up again.

Yes, I'm with you on this.

In fact I am pretty sure my W's foot is getting heavier and heavier. She has said around 4 times tonight 'we're splitting up' (this is a new expression from her usual choice) - I felt like saying 'no, we are not splitting up - you are walking away! - luckily i did not!

So like you I feel its time to start thinking about giving up on trying to win her around, or do anything to save R, and now just look after myself. I kind of think this is what all the vets have been saying to do all along, but I think its something you need to get to yourself before your really understand.

[Papa4Life]

Thanks, Mr2.4. And like the vets also say, it really is for your own benfit to focus on you. Because that's the only person you can control. It takes time, but you do indeed get there for yourself sooner or later.

[Papa4Life]

This last jaunt on the emotional tilt-a-whirl has really been an eye-opener. It may be too late now for any hope of reconciling, but I really, REALLY need to work on detaching and letting go. I have to figure out how to stand on my own two feet, especially if I wind up starting a new life on my own.

Any advice?