Slowing to a Crawl

[Takevowsserious]

Hi Portia,

That quote from Pittman is so true. I guess on one level it helps to know there is sort of a science to it all, a internal driving force that has absolutely nothing to do with us.

What makes me really sad is that if seems like the lost person has to lose everything to face reality. But once they've lost these things, there is no guarantee they will ever get them back. After all the hurtful damage is done, who is to say we would want them back?

Miz J - I think you are right on when telling your H that he's not gonna be your friend. My H doesn't realize he's losing me as a wife and a friend. A friend would not treat us as poorly as they have treated us.

Mrt- your wife may actually be right about the bomb drop. See, the A does not cause the MLC - it is the other way around. And they usually do deny the A, saying they're just friends. All part of the script.

Hope you all are having a good Sunday

[Portia]

Hi Mr2.4, welcome to MLC. There is such a script to MLC. The worst part about it is that the end (you know the bit we are most interested in) is the only truly unpredictable part. TVS is correct in that the A is a symptom of MLC. But from my own experience, the MLCer rarely risks dropping the bomb until their A is on more solid ground. That was what happened in my case. XSO was on the prowl and when he finally found someone, he then dropped the bomb on me.

TVS thank you for stopping by. As a newbie I was still processing the script. In that same article Pittman says that when he wrote his book he assumed that once people knew how destructive affairs were, they would surely stop. But people did not stop. Like smokers who risk their health, they do it anyway. The sad thing for us is that the script only takes us so far. The two questions that I would like to ask my crystal ball is how much longer and is he going to be anything like the person I once knew?

[mrtwopointfour]

But from my own experience, the MLCer rarely risks dropping the bomb until their A is on more solid ground.

But i suppose in cases like mine the BD happens because it was discovered not confessed. but same theory applies, because had W met OM and it became more solid then BD would have happened anyway. I will never know if discovering EA was a good or bad thing, I personally think I should have not let W know what I had seen and sat back for a bit. If only we all knew DB before its needed!

[NLW]

There is such a script to MLC. The worst part about it is that the end (you know the bit we are most interested in) is the only truly unpredictable part. ... The sad thing for us is that the script only takes us so far. The two questions that I would like to ask my crystal ball is how much longer and is he going to be anything like the person I once knew?

Hey Portia, You are so right!

I hold to the belief that if this is all SO scripted, there has to be an end to the process as well... writing it out makes it sound less logical, however.

And I know I shouldn't, but I keep looking for signs/patterns that might signal the beginning of the end.

Like, 18months -2 years after BD seems to be a time-frame that's common to several changes of heart.

Or, the mlc-er getting way worse all of a sudden; i.e. dropping further down the tunnel before bouncing up to out (or nearly out).

Only wishful thinking on my part, I'm sure.

[~ kd ~]

Hey Portia, I haven't posted on your thread yet, I don't think.

I just wanted to put something forward as it seems to be focused on your thread, right now.

And A does not mean MLC and an MLC does not mean there is or will be an A.

Most all an MLCers actions and words are based on what is going on, deep down inside them. They are lost and empty and trying to find happiness.

That attempt can come in any form, from drugs, alcohol, affair, red convertible, new clothes, tattoos, uncontrolled spending.

With MLC, a "solid" affair relationship may not produce BD. My W... truth is, my W never really BD me. I busted her in two EAs just prior to me moving out. She denied them, AND... as far as she was concerned, we would keep living together, and being a normal, "happy" family, but... she would continue to have her own personal, exclusive (of me) life, including what ever friends she wanted to have or do what ever with, that I was not to know or pry into...

Kinda a... non-BD, really...

And, unfortunately... there is nothing the LBS can do but get out of the way of the train wreck.

I used to hope that stbx would hit bottom. Now... I have finally accepted that this is my life.

I keep working on myself and do everything I can to be the best / better father that I can be.

[Portia]

Hi NLW, Thank you for joining the conversation!

And I know I shouldn't, but I keep looking for signs/patterns that might signal the beginning of the end.

Like, 18months -2 years after BD seems to be a time-frame that's common to several changes of heart.

Or, the mlc-er getting way worse all of a sudden; i.e. dropping further down the tunnel before bouncing up to out (or nearly out).

You are not the only one. Actually, I think your time line is about right - 18 months - 2 years. I never looked at the MLCer getting worse as a good sign, but if I look back to the "stages", I can see how it can be. So, the fact that I have not heard from my xSO in almost two weeks (aside from a reply text) can be a good thing? I like your optimism!

Kaffe, your comments are very interesting. They show that no matter how "scripted" some of this stuff is, there are always variations on a theme. My experience was that xSO did not enter into full blown MLC (i.e. visible to me) until after BD. I knew something was "wrong" prior to that, but guessed it was stress and other things. After BD, he was cruel and nasty. Those particular attributes have subsided but it was not until BD which coincided with the A becoming physical, that he seemed ready to choose a side, as it were.

In my experience, what people do is look for that "happiness". They look for it in drugs, parties, activities, or people. They try new clothes (the advertisers tell you how happy you'll be with their products), cars, etc. They are constantly searching. Some for a very long time. They tell themselves and anyone that will listen how happy they are. How they "deserve" to be happy. How the spouse is holding them back (by making them responsible.) They lash out. They blame. They cheat. Lie. Steal. Do all kinds of crazy and destructive things in search of that elusive happiness. Possessions: they gather all kinds of "things". We on the outside see how ridiculous it is to try and fill that gaping void that way. They do not. They are all action and no coherent thought. At least not coherent in a way others would understand. And always that gnawing pain. Until they figure it out. If they figure it out.

I find that sad. I find it sad how they hurt those around them: family, friends, pets, etc. How they are so scared they hang on to their spouse while they beat them senseless emotionally, saying things like, "I can come back when I want to (I can stop anytime?)", or "we'll always be friends" etc. We are the one person they currently know that would help them in a positive way.

At some point, we realize we cannot help them. We turn our attention to helping ourselves. We realize that they say these things to help themselves and we are at first, willing to take that to help them. We eventually realize it doesn't help them, but does hurt us. So we stop that behavior. We set boundaries. We begin to explore who we are as individuals. And at some point along the way, we realize we don't want any part of that abuse or the train wreck they became. We just hope for their own sake they find what they are looking for. But we stop looking for it. We hope, but we no longer pay attention. We hope as we would for any old friend or even the postman.

I hijacked this quote from AJM from someone else's thread. I am beginning to feel this way. As much as I hope xSO and I can work this out, for right now, I need a break. I cannot do anything more. The rest is up to him to at least make the first moves.

It is strange how less than two months ago, hearing from him was such a big deal. I wanted to hear from him. And now, I almost hope he will leave me alone. Time for me. As AJ said, we begin to realize that there is nothing - good or bad - that we can do.

So time marches on...

[mrtwopointfour]

Portia, that quote you have pulled out was a haunting read, but at the same time I needed to see it. The more I read in this part of the forum the more I believe my W is in MLC (i have been back and forth in my own head whether she is or just decided to hate me!!!). I have only had to deal with this since Feb, but W has been distant and non physical contact since months before that, so i guess she is in the early stages of MLC, but I am already starting to feel like its time to move on - that there is nothing I can do - I will keep on DBing and will never give up, but I need to save myself before my W hurts me so much I am no longer a person that can stand up and live life!

I'll keep on reading about your progress, and wish you luck!

[mizjjd]

As much as I hope xSO and I can work this out, for right now, I need a break. I cannot do anything more. The rest is up to him to at least make the first moves.

Amen.

And yes, you need, and deserve, a break.

Take care of YOU!!

[Portia]

Thanks Mr. 2.4, whether or not your W is in MLC, the detaching, etc. is the same. The difference that I have observed is the total change in character, not just actions towards us, but in everything they do - clothes, habits, interactions with other people, strange things and ideas. I have found that it helps me to know whether my xSO was MLC or WAS because now that I am sure it is MLC, I know the timeline (LONG) and that some "techniques" may not be as effective because there is so much more going on in their heads than a WAS.

And thank you MizJ. I am taking care of me. I guess I feel a little deflated at the moment. It has been 12 days with only a single text (in answer to mine) which seems like a big nothing. Don't get me wrong, I think I need the big nothing right now but perhaps I have become a bit of an adrenaline junky and now I am jumpy at the silence.

Totally time for a spa day.

[BRNR]

The difference that I have observed is the total change in character, not just actions towards us, but in everything they do - clothes, habits, interactions with other people, strange things and ideas.

I would agree, but like you said, course of action is still the same, but timeline is different.

Hi Portia, just checking in and catching up...I see not a lot going on, but count this as a blessing (better than all the negative stuff going on , right?) So much time to do for yourself, so what have you been doing? The spa day sounds so good...I might have to have one in my near future...