It seems I'm in the one step forward, two steps back pattern.
I'm kicking myself about my response to a comment H made yesterday. He mentioned looking at a new tiny electric car & giving his car to D15. He's a large man, and I made a joke about him fitting into a clown car. Well, that probably wasn't that constructive. I should have just kept my mouth shut and supported the idea. And if he wants to ride in a clown car, that's his choice. D*mn! It's always so easy to see after the fact.
Here's where my thoughts are today: I don't want H as he is today. I don't want his bad habits and insincere efforts. But in order to consider a future R with H (and in order for him to ever want to try again), I need to accept him as he is today.
That's a brain teaser! I think I'm missing a step in recovery and acceptance but I can't remember what it is.
Can someone make sense of this for me?
The more I think the more I confuse myself. The next few days are big. Day trip with H and kids tomorrow, H's taking train to meet us a couple hours away. Kids and I are leaving today.
I'm supposed to 'act as if', but how does that relate to a separated marriage? Act as if we're still a happy family? Can I be my joking, friendly, loving self with someone that doesn't want to be on the receiving end of that me? I think I should concentrate on my kids tomorrow and just have fun with them. The only thing I have confidence in is having a PMA. I can pull that off.
Then H & I have first therapy session on Tues evening. That goes back to question #1, I don't want this spoiled version of H. All I can do is focus on my changes. Try to find common ground. Be humble, I don't know everything. That's a problem for me, I like having answers and it gives me the illusion of control. But I'm learning to accept I can't control everything.
