Alright this is my first post. My wife left me a week a go Sunday. We have been married for 13 years and have three kids, 10, 12 and 14. We have been struggling financially for the last three years and it just finally took its toll. I was unable to make her feel secure and that I was dependable. The inability to make changes made her feel unloved and alone. Finally 8 weeks ago she said she was done and had nothing left to give. At the same time of course she reconnects with an ex through facebook, and begins an EA. Of course she goes through the whole were just friends, its innocent, quit freaking out, etc.. The first 2-3 weeks was nothing but utter shock to me and really just tried anything and everything to prevent it. But of course with some exciting new attention who wants to mess with a marriage. Anyways I decided to take the path of listening and started to make the changes in our life that she was looking for. To be the husband she wanted and should be. And honestly we got a long pretty good except for I would get pissed about EA. She would text with OM while were out and such, and I couldnt always control my anger. It would always ruin anything going good. She says she loves me and cares about me but she is not in love with me anymore. We have had several talks of course and everyone starts out with her saying Im done, ive had enough, and I never want to be married to anyone ever again. She doesnt want that type of relationship ever again. By the time we get done talking its why should I believe you, its all things you said before, I feel that shes on the edge of wanting to work on something. Than next time I see her it seems like we have taken 10 steps backwards and she has pulled further away. We had a very explosive day and emotional day Sunday. I made the mistake of reading her phone without her knowing and it totally enraged me. I confronted her about OM and confirmed that it had become a PA and just let everything out, all the anger. For the last week I have pushed and pushed her to rexamine everything and we all know where that got me.
So now I am trying 180, but am having a hard time because the three kids have very active schedules so we have to be in constant contact so its been kinds hard going dark..
When you decide to go dark it's because you have used up all the other strategies MWD teaches you. How could you have used them all up so quickly?? It takes months for some of us to do the strategies.
For example, You obviously didn't do the 180 well if you were snooping. And you didn't seem dependable when you blew up at her.
Try maintaining your emotions in front of her. Keep calm. Do this before going dark.
Detaching will help you separate the woman you love (your wife) from her behavior.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
How are you doing, Jerms? Please keep posting as we will support you through this and sometimes it helps just to have a place to journal.
While I do agree with what 2chiq posted, I have a suspicion that you are going dark, FOR YOU... rather than as "punishment" to your W. And I would agree it is a good idea. Get yourself out of your own way and keep working with your W to co-parent your children. As soon as you feel emotionally stable enough to not react to your W's words or actions, please do re-engage her and leave "dark".
In the mean time, is a PA a deal breaker for you? Do you still hope to save the M?
I am definitely in it to save my marriage, more importantly my family. The PA is a meaningless act and an escape for her. Not that it doesnt hurt. I actually spoke to a divorce busting coach and received some tips and am trying to follow them. I actually spent a lot of time with WW over the last few days because of things with kids. We went to lunch by ourselves and had a pleasant time. Trying very hard to be positive around her and not a downer. Its back to the point where she trusts to be around me without me coercing her to come home. Here is where I am really struggling. My WW does not have a job and has been unsuccesful finding a job to meet her needs. So basically Im supporting her at this point. She did have a job for a few days and that check will pay her rent and things. But im paying for her gas, and whatever little things. I also pay for her cell phone through my business, and she has the new vehicle that she was going to make the payments on but I am going to have to. The coach recommended I continue to support her in these things, because if I was to quit would probably push her away. I feel l like Im making her affair way to easy on her. For example, in her sisters house, where she is staying, the air conditioner went out. She asked me Friday night if we had any money for a window ac unit and if I would put it in for her. Which i did because I look at it as an oppurtunity to be around her and be positive, which I was. But she still looks to me for those type of needs. Wouldnt I be better cutting her off making her face a little reality, and yes push her away at first, but at that same time breaking her out of her fantasy world?
Okay need advice WAW did not keep job she started. She now wants to come work for me. My feelings its a way to keep me in the husband row of taking care of her while she does not have to commit. But it does provide oppurtunity for me to be around her and subject her to positive . Why does this stuff have to be so hard.
When working with a DB coach, understand that the DB coach is working with you and your specific sitch. Consider that while you may think you are enabling your W and others may suggest the same thing, the reality is, she is remaining close enough to you to notice positive changes you are making in yourself so that she may become more attracted to you and want to save the M.
If you stopped supporting her, kicked her out, and other "tough love" type of things, she won't see positive but only negative.
DBing is about making changes in ourselves which will change the sitch which ultimately could help save our M. Even if those changes seem ridiculous or wrong, at the time.
So in keeping with that vein and your discussion with your DB coach, I would think that your W working for you would be a good idea. Although, just be careful about what work she will do for you and the role you play as her "manager". IOW, if you are in a position to do so, make sure you tailor her job to fit her and does not require you to micro manage her.
It's tough. The hardest time is at night. Wondering where she is, if she's alone or with OM. That's usually when i look for an excuse to contact her. For the next week the kids will be with her, and that actually will provide me some relief. Even though I will miss them. It will be their first time gone all together.
Man this is hard. I just want my wife home, my family put back together, my kids are starting to struggle with it. Im having a hard time encouraging them because they know I want their mom home. Im asking myself the same questions the kids are asking me. Im consumed with how to fix this and find myself neglecting them and neglecting other responsibilities. Im working on GAL, Im going to the gym 2 days a week. This will be my first week alone so maybe it will be easier to GAL.
When I see her I just want to hold her. Everytime we talk I just want to tell her to come home. All the things I cant do. She's engagig with me fine when she needs something. Sometimes im feeling used.
