No worries, man. HJ away. I enjoy the input. I never take it personally if someone asks a question over here. I look forward to the answers. I learn a lot.
Is the point of GAL to show W both that you are not needy, that you are getting on with life AND so that you don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself and thinking too much a out things?
I would say the point of GAL is to:
1. build self-esteem 2. get on with your life so that you are not so needy 3. show WAS that you can get by without them 4. show WAS that you are interesting and somebody they should want to be with 5. Occupy your time so that you don't just think about your broken M
thought you might want to THANK GOD or the universe for the apology your wife gave you.
IT's more than most here, ever hear...seriously.
And you must GAL more. I know you said sometime this month you'll look into sailing and that's a start. But I know I posted to you my GAL list and that was in frickin' Alaska's interior and included the winter at times.
I was BUSY and you are not.
WHen you take those trips, go bowling if you have to (my last resort -long story but I would NOT stay in one hotel room all night if my obsessing began. Time for a movie, interaction with PEOPLE, etc.
The main thing in my opinon is to meet new people. People who are meeting the NEW IMPROVED YOU, which helps you reinforce the changes you are making and the man you are becoming.
And takes your mind OFF of her.
Who cares if she took off her ring again and or listened to hard rock? I mean, if it bothers the kids or scares them, ask them to tell HER that.
OTherwise, you've just got too much time on your hands. YOU control that, however.
good luck
25,
I was VERY surprised by the apology. It was a major event.
I hear you on the GAL. I WILL start getting very serious about that. I DO have too much time on my hands. I have a tendency to be somewhat of a home body at times. Lots of times I am at home working on home improvement projects or cleaning. That needs to change.
Part of my problem is that I feel guilty for taking time out for me and being away from my kids, since I am away from them when at work. I guess I will just have to get over that. Either that or bring the along sometimes.
I think the really cool thing about meeting new people in GAL is that I see how nice I am treated. It is refreshing to have an encounter with someone who treats me kindly and as an equal. My wife, I firmly believe, thinks that she is superior to me, and it comes out in her attitude, eye rolls, and harsh words. I don't get that from others. I feel MUCH better about myself among people that I meet outside my marriage.
I definitely need to keep my mind off of my wife.
I ride a motorcycle, and just signed up with a meetup group in the Boston area. I also like to hike and am looking into getting together with others for that. Other things I like to do:
Go shooting Fishing Biking The gym Skiing Boating Flying Baseball Games
25, I'm gonna look at your list again. I think your prescription for emits exactly what I need.
Thanks for helping me, I will take your advice and act on it.
"Part of my problem is that I feel guilty for taking time out for me and being away from my kids, since I am away from them when at work. I guess I will just have to get over that. Either that or bring the along sometimes."
This is exactly how I feel. I gave up "stuff" when my girls came along. It was replaced by quality time with my two D. I have never once regretted it. However, I can also see where taking time for just yourself can be very beneficial. I just recently started playing softball again and I am really enjoying it. I have also taken my girls GALing alot over the past several months.
Sadly I keep thinking that if all of this does end up in a D, there will be many times that I will be wishing that I could be doing something with my girls. So I will take advantage of this gift of time that I have been given.
Good luck PF. It looks like you have many ideas for GALing. I hope you can work some of them in. I am sure your kids would love to tag along for some of those too.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
I am at home working on home improvement projects or cleaning. That needs to change.
why do you do these things? Just curious as I do the same. I think it's to impress W - so i need to balance these. Show I am helpful around house but not let it consume all my GAL time.
Quote:
My wife, I firmly believe, thinks that she is superior to me, and it comes out in her attitude, eye rolls, and harsh words. I don't get that from others.
ah yes. Snap! Makes you feel crap about yourself, like you are not worthy of being loved by the person that always said they loved you. This is painful - I know how you feel.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
You and I seem quite alike. I had been doing more chores and house cleaning. It was to appease my wife. I have found that the more I do, the less she does. She just takes advantage. I have since backed off.
The air of superiority goes hand in hand with Dobson's assessment that the spouse has been devaluing us. Now they have reached the point where they openly show their disrespect. Not only will my wife show this to me, but she now is starting to show it to others through her arguing any point I may make in a conversation with friends. I would also say that she is showing it through her late night partying with her friends and her not returning home until 3-6am the next day.
Yes I think we are. My W is the same. She is just letting me get on, I think it's a test to see how true it is, or whether I give up. Thing is, I actually enjoy doing these things now. Before I would sit and think, I've been at work all day I would help out but W has it in hand, but at the same time feel like I was letting W down. Now I feel like I am one up!
I have decided my wife is in the tricky stage of MLC, not that this makes any difference. But just the personality change, the need to be like get friends etc, change in beliefs - it all just adds up. If you go through the check list of MLC my W has a tick next to every point!
I really don't know what's in store for us, but lets just get on with life and hope for the best!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
I don't know if there is any headway here at our home or not. I had started trying to show affection through physical touch. I thought that it was having some effect for the better, but maybe not.
We have ML 3 times in the past 2 weeks. That is an improvement. However, I don't know if she is just using that as a tool to placate me or not.
Last night, we had an argument over the time that the kids were going to bed. She had taken our youngest out for a day with just her. Our youngest goes to bed at 20:00 and they came walking in the door at 21:10. My wife then started to chastise me for not having the oldest in bed yet. Our oldest goes to bed at 20:30.
I had asked my oldest if she wanted to watch a movie with me, figuring that we could spend time together while my wife was out. I told my wife she had no reason to attack me for it. She was in violation of the very same rule that she was penalizing me for violating. If it was ok for them, then I shouldn't be listening to her attacking me over this.
I admit that I was ready to engage in a fight. I have turned the other cheek for so long that I feel she thinks I have no backbone. What triggered my anger was that when she had come back in from her day out, I saw she had removed her ring again. It appears that what she does is wear it around me and remove it when I am not with her. Within 10 minutes of coming home she had put it back on.
Obviously, her conduct erodes any trace of trust that I have in her. This past week, I have been VERY tempted to place keylogging software on her computer. She spends an inordinate amount of time on it and is always very nebulous about what she does there. She still doesn't share information about her her day's activities with me.
I have resisted every temptation that I have had. I HAVE been successful at this.
25's advice to GAL is the tool I need to use for this. 25 was also talking about how we all need to get to the point where we are ready to walk away ourselves.
I don't need any of this Sh!t. I'm ready to start living my life without her. I don't deserve this treatment and I certainly think I will be much better off without her if this is all I have to look forward to if we remain together.
I have been reading through your sitch. Sounds like you are doing okay with the ocassional backslides. I dont know exactly how its all going, but I find that the times I have backslid and I think back to myself and say " i should have taken michelle's advice and DONE NOTHING" Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing to do...take some time and think it through rather than act.
It does sound like W is on edge, but how you work through this will be your challenge. I think being able to walk away but maintain all your love and respect for the other person is the key. Dont walk away in anger...thats the wrong way to do it.
Also, it totally spins me out when i read about couples who are " seperated" but living in the same house and ML. How does that work? I would walk the earth just to sleep next to my W....To quote the amazing Jeff Buckley "all my riches for her smiles when i slept so soft against her"
I know it doesnt seem like its the best scenario, just be grateful that you get to be with the woman you love. Good luck and keep posting.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
I have been reading through your sitch. Sounds like you are doing okay with the ocassional backslides. I dont know exactly how its all going, but I find that the times I have backslid and I think back to myself and say " i should have taken michelle's advice and DONE NOTHING" Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing to do...take some time and think it through rather than act.
It does sound like W is on edge, but how you work through this will be your challenge. I think being able to walk away but maintain all your love and respect for the other person is the key. Dont walk away in anger...thats the wrong way to do it.
Also, it totally spins me out when i read about couples who are " seperated" but living in the same house and ML. How does that work? I would walk the earth just to sleep next to my W....To quote the amazing Jeff Buckley "all my riches for her smiles when i slept so soft against her"
I know it doesnt seem like its the best scenario, just be grateful that you get to be with the woman you love. Good luck and keep posting.
WAW, you are correct on everything you have said. Can't remember where, but the bible has a phrase that says that man has harnessed everything on the planet, yet still cannot control his own tongue. I need to figure out when it is wise not to speak, when it is a good time to do so and what to say when i do.
I AM fortunate to have my wife still in the same home as I am. Our family still resides together. I need to refocus on what is positive in my life and not the negative. I know there must be many who would give anything to have their spouse back home. I am very fortunate to have that.
My wife and I did separate for 4 months. We were in separate BRs. We are now back in the same bed. The distance between us is emotional. We had been like two sailing warships sitting broadside, hitting each other with canon fire. I stopped returning fire about 4 months ago with an occasional backslide. However, I take hits from her still on an almost daily basis.
I don't know if this is good or bad. She still expresses anger at me over things I did which I ended over the summer. At least she's communicating, but if forgiveness ever eventually will come, it appears to be a LONG way off.
Just set a date with a friend to go shooting on Wednesday. GAL!
GAL!