I can't believe I am going to post something on this topic, it has been a little over 3 years when I discovered about the lying, cheating, drinking ways of the man I am legally married to.
Oh yes, over ALL this time, he has come back to me MANY times saying how much he loves me, wants to work on us. He went to a counselor 2 times, then I started seeing her with him a year after. That didn't last long. We stopped because he wasn't doing anything that she told him to do with me. You see, I have been married 32 years. This was the 5th marriage counselor in our married years. Granted, I will admit, I wasn't always doing what I was told to do to make my marriage successful. Now I am a different person.
Three years ago I read either in a book or on this forum, " I didn't ask to be on this journey but I am thankful for the experience. It was my lesson in life to learn about me and I will be forever grateful."
That is my mantra.
With the help of that counselor ( which I still see ), a Life Coach (3 years ago) BUT mostly from the wise words of Timber Hawkeye, author of Buddhist Boot Camp, I have become a much better person. I am still working on me.
The man I am still married to is still a broken man. My counselor said it back in March 2013. " S is a broken man who refuses to fix himself. You don't want a broken man as your partner. You can love him but from a distance."
September 2013 this man said to me, " I am going back to counseling for me. I want to figure out why I can't commit to coming back to you when I know I love you and we have so much in common. We are best friends. " LOL!! That didn't last long. He went only about 4 or 5 times.
He keeps going back to the OW. Funny, he always says to me, " I have no one special in my life. I will always love you, you have a special place in my heart." 3 years ago he admitted that the OW had a drinking problem worse than him, that she was a horrible housekeeper and that her adult kids were all screwed up. Now he claims he never had a drinking problem. He is REALLY confused.
My counselor says, " she isn't special to him, you are. This is all about sex or being his drinking partner."
Either way, it still hurts after all these years.
He keeps sending me mixed messages. My birthday was in early April and he sent me a dozen red roses with a card that said, " Happy Birthday to a special person. Love, S"
My counselor said I should have refused to accept them.
I told her that because I am a forgiving, loving person, I just accept this as a lovely gesture, nothing more, nothing less.
The point I am trying to make is this, yes, forgive and move on. Do it for yourself. BUT love yourself more. You see, not all are really willing to work on repairing the marriage. I believe S ( his name ) does nice gestures to try to look like he is a great guy, to show everyone that he is a great guy BUT no one but me knows what is really going on. He is still involved with the OW.
I still go to counseling because I don't bother my girlfriends with all this crap yet I sometimes need to talk it out. I am very willing to pay a counselor to listen and make me aware of things. Sure, Sometimes I need a different perspective on things.
From Timber Hawkeye ~ You can love someone unconditionally, but keeping them in your life can most certainly have conditions. ~
Without communication there is no relationship; without respect there is no love, and without trust there is no reason to continue. It truly does take 2 to make a thing go right.
" Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow" ~ Aristole
" What comes, let it come. What stays, let it stay. What goes, let it go." ~ Papaji
"We are only as sick as our secrets. The truth has set you free!!" Just saw these words today on FB / Buddhist Boot Camp. You see, that man that I am still married to, has so many secrets. All I ever ask of him is to be truthful. He always says, " I don't have to listen to listen to this" and walks away.
