First Post--2d troubled marriage

[2X Divorcee?]

GAL = PT test today...improved in all categories and lost 10 lbs along the way.

OPERATIONM BURN A STEAK Planned with a bud tomorrow evening

[2X Divorcee?]

Well, yesterday I read a couple of recommends for this book Uncoupling. I will get it.

It's just a little weird that my stbxw is recommending a book to ME. I just said "thanks" and moved along. I could take that two ways. 1. "This is why I'm leaving you" or 2. "You need to uncouple and move on without me". I suppose neither of those are meant to be hurtful.

Here on the board, i also read there is a section on reconcilliation which believes you must detach/divorce before you could ever hope to reclaim your WAW. I guess I'm in for the long haul.

[Cadet]

Here on the board, i also read there is a section on reconcilliation which believes you must detach/divorce before you could ever hope to reclaim your WAW. I guess I'm in for the long haul.

LOVE is a choice and until you detach, your spouse will not focus on themselves but rather on the relationship and how much PAIN it is causing them.

By lovingly detaching you enable them to start to switch their focus.

Hope that makes sense.

[2X Divorcee?]

Cadet,

It does. Honestly, I am getting alot of "makes sense" info. I met with IC again yesterday and she is suggesting I share how I feel to my spouse. That contradicts info I've seen here but both sources of advice "make sense". Between the board, my DB coach and the IC, I have become confused on what I want to do. The IC ultimately confirmed that it is my decision...so it's all in my lap. How this came about was that I wanted to explore some of my past relationships and what I may be adding to situations to create multiple relationship failures. But the IC has (appropriately) taken an interest in the current situation too. I'm meeting with my DB coach again next week to get her view before I do anything. LOL, 1 more opinion...I guess I want the confusion to PEAK before I sort it out for myself.

[Cadet]

Sorry I dont put much faith in IC's for marriage counseling.

I went to two different ones and they were clueless.

I have counseled a few MC, myself that are now in the same sich as you and me.

TBH they dont get it either for quite a while.

I would trust your DB coach, before you listen to an IC.

My .02

[2X Divorcee?]

Cadet,

Thanks

2x

[2X Divorcee?]

So, just as an update....for the last several days, I've basically gone dark. That is essentially a drop from a call a day to no calls. Texts and emails were already out so no change there. I've done this because after several calls, W would follow up with a "BTW" text asking for divorce papers. I didn't feel like that was a positive response (for me). So, no calls, no more urgings for D (since about 5 days ago). I doubt I can delay much longer but it would be a good experiment to see how long this will go without any more inquiries about the D.

GAL plans all worked out...no hiking but dove two tanks Sat and two tanks Sunday and had a couple of good meals out with friends.

2x

[2X Divorcee?]

meeting with DB coach in a couple of days....need to ask about "sharing feelings", going dark, "Uncoupling", and stalling wrt D papers.

[2X Divorcee?]

rollercoaster ride today. Met with DB coach yesterday and cowrote a short note to send with the papers as I mailed them to my stbxw. Shared my emotions but also gave her space to make her own decision. Today, I think I was just totally down thinking about that envelope going through the mail. I'm sure I'll be getting final divorce decree back in the mail soon. And at the end of the day, i found a text "hey what's up? Did you send the papers?"...like it's a wonderful thing.
totally bummed out...and then feel worse when I see the folks in Boston going through hell too.

[2X Divorcee?]

still doing the GAL stuff...scuba yesterday with a group and today kayaking and dinner out with a bigger group. Also asked a guitar instructor to give me a call...maybe it's time I got better with that dust collector in the corner of the room. Still hoping for a change with my stbxw. But the GAL does help to get my mind off that during the weekends.

My copy of "Uncoupling" should arrive tomorrow. Plan is to chat with W about it to find out if she is reading it too. Maybe I'll find out more about our sit by reading it and comparing notes with her. IC and DB couch agreed on this tactic to create something we are working on at the same time. I just need to keep a cool head.

Comms with W have been at zero lately....it's been about a week or 10 days since we last talked. Crazy to think I am just letting go and letting her make these decisions. But, in the end, that is what it boils down to anyway. So, why fret about it.