LRT - Dealing with WAW Affair

[RealityTrip]

I'm sorry to just vent. But it's "type" or "call her". My WAW has been so distant for so long, to watch her cry and tear up... but NOT say what she's thinking was so hard tonight.

I know I was a solid C+ in reference to DBing. But crap. It's week one of NC/dark/dim as I can be and I feel guilty for not comforting her. It's what she wanted, and I deflected.

Push, Pull.., I have read and thought and educated myself so much that I dream in terms of "GAL", "WAW" "AP", etc...

I read everyone's threads and think "How the F did they get through that? (R or not, Piecing or not, D or not) And I just wonder... Who's journey is harder? Theirs or ours? And if my WAW and I get through and R... Will she really ever know what I went through? Is it easier to be the perpetrator or the guard? She packed her clothes for the season and left so easily. Tears lately don't mean much to me... they can very well be followed by a text to her AP. How do they do they do that? My stomach turns at the thought of betraying her now, even with everything I know.

It would have taken a knife to the throat to make me leave her and our home. I read the words, "her journey", "space", "processing", but seriously... I was in the same marriage, on the same beach when we took our vows. I didn't cheat. I didn't fall apart. I didn't run away.

Sorry... cycling through anger. Better you guys hear it than her right?