Thanks guys, i will answer your posts a little later. Right now I am still shaking from what happened at the local supermarket this morning.
First off, those of you who've been with me for a while will be pleased to know that I managed NOT to buy a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show this time.
Without everyone's care and advice last time I was in a similar place, i wouldn't have handled things so well.
S14 and I were doing our Sat morning shop at the local supermarket. I'd sent him back to get a plastic bag for some meat, when I looked up and saw STBX and OW heading my way - coming from the direction that S14 had just gone.
This is the first time S14 has seen them together.
I stuck my head into the Ugg boot shelf that I was looking at and they both walked past me and down the aisle I was about to enter.
S14 walked back to me looking physically ill. He was teary and white and shaking and said he'd just seen them - and that his father had walked straight past him in the aisle. Looked at him. but said nothing to him.
I hugged S14 and tried to settle him a bit before moving on into a different aisle than the one I wanted to go down (as STBX and OW were in it). No sooner had I entered the aisle than they came into the same aisle from the other direction. They were walking straight towards us. I quickly took s14 under my wing and turned around and headed for the checkout. By the time we got there, stbx and OW were there too. I waited and waited but they were still there when I went to go out so i just turned my back to their direction and went on unloading my goods.
Just as I was paying, stbx came up behind us and tried to talk to S14. He didn't acknowledge me. S14 told stbx to F off (he was in tears by this stage). Stbx persisted and s14 told him to F off again. I then told stbx to "Leave us alone, please". The checkout operator was looking nervous by now.
Stbx kept going, trying to get S14 to talk to him right there. I told him again to "Leave us alone". Checkout operator was about to panic, i think. it looked like we were being harassed.
I paid and walked away. As we exited the car park, I looked in my rear view and there they were - stbx driving her Merc convertible right behind us and heading down the street towards our house (and in the opposite direction to where he and OW live). I turned off to try to get rid of them.
When we got home a few mins later, stbx rang S14's phone 'to talk about this" and tried to point out how wrong it was of S14 to react the way he did.
Lots of admonishment from stbx and lecturing S14 about 'reality' and how he had to get used to it. S14 just stood his ground and said that stbx was not behaving appropriately and he should look to his own behaviour.
Along the way, stbx said that he was no longer living at OW's.
I was quietly pleased for a sec or two, as I thought this might signal something important. But then I realised that it's probably because the court case is coming up. OW is named in the proceedings and so is her address. He does not pay rent and the house is on the most prestigious street in our city. It all looks bad for him and would affect the amount of support he'd have to pay.
He told S14 that he's back living with the male friend that he claimed he was living with when he first left our home. Here (in a very lower class suburb) he has to pay rent (or at least it looks more likely on paper). Said that he works from there too.
When S14 said that he didn't believe a word of this, stbx explained that it was because his beloved felt that i would attack her if he lived with her any more.
Anyway, I would appreciate some feedback from all you kind souls out there who helped me through this last time.
At the moment I'm thinking that if this is the start of a standard practice on their part - going shopping together at my local supermarket, I'm not going to dodge and weave anymore. Maybe I'll follow them up and down the aisles and make sure I'm right behind them in the queue. Guilt/shame/embarrassment anyone? Only fantasising.. but you can see where i'd be without input from saner heads.
Just received this email from stbx. Please help. This is just too bizarre.
Hi W,
I need to set up a time to discuss my access to the children. When I approached you and S14 in the shop today you turned him around and marched him away from me. Later when I said hello to him you both told me to get away from you.
You have encouraged the children to engage in a series of antisocial public behaviours that could have been classified as criminal assault. You are either leading them into these behaviours or unable to maintain a reasonable degree of parental control.
I feel that you are actively undermining my relationship with the children and I would like you to have the opportunity to put your perspective to me prior to me taking action in the courts.
I have spoken with D17 tonight and she is quite distressed and rude regarding the fact that she left her phone in my car. I am too busy to return it immediately and would like to discuss what options you would suggest given her very bad attitude at the moment.
Let me know when you will be available to have this discussion.
Holy crap, these lunatics can be unbelievably hurtful and self-centered. I don't think I would dignify that with any response. His R with his understandably p!ssed off kids is his problem, not yours. Poor baby.
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
NLW, when I first read the original interaction, my jaw hit the floor. And based on his message afterwords, he obviously is completely clueless and continues to try to push and enforce his will on everyone else.
There is nothing you or your kids could say to him that will help him understand your perspectives. He simply will not hear it and, like many, will simply use the opportunity to remind you or the kids how wrong you all are and how right and justified he is.
It really is up to him to figure out why his kids are so upset with him. That will require him to eat a bowl of humility and bring his empathy to the plate, of which again, like other WAS / MLCers, he has none.
If he wants to take this to court, the kids will have ample opportunity to speak their case to counsellors who will be able to present their position to the courts.
If you can, give the kids the opportunity to speak to counsellors NOW, to help them work through this.
And put that letter away in the file as a matter of record and move forward without responding.
OMG NLW, I just can't believe your STXH. I cannot. Also, IMO, no response is necessary to him. He is now where near reality. Let alone empathy and love.
I am so sorry for your S14 having to witness this. Is he better now? Have you been able to to speak to him? What do these WAS expect from our children? To be 'cool' with everything and just get on, without recognizing their hurt and pain and turmoil from their own perspectives??? Oh they make me so angry. It makes me angry that this pain is put onto our children like its a life lesson they are expected to accept.
Keep protecting yourself and your kids as you are. You know what to do. You are amazing.
((((((( )))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Kaf, Your response gave me so much strength. STBX makes me feel like I am the crazy one, so it's good to hear what others think.
After years of trying, I know that nothing I or the kids say will help him see it any other way than his own.
As you can see from my previous post to JBolt, I did reply, offering to let him talk to me. My idea is just to listen and tell him I've heard him (one of his major issues with me).
Anyway, he replied as follows: Hi W,
I would prefer to meet as you rarely answer my calls or return them. Can you supply me with some times that you would be available?
Thank you
Looks like he still wants to see me (hope he doesn't bring a weapon - only mildly joking....)
But at least I may be able to convince him to give me D17's phone back. She needs it for work tomorrow.
So, looks like I am in for a real test of my listening, validating and boundary setting abilities today.
And reading back my last post to you - I was struck by my phrase: "I may be able to convince him" to give the phone back.
LOL! I'm not in the business of trying to convince him of anything anymore.
I just want to give him the opportunity, by being there, to hand it back. I think he's probably worked himself into a tight corner over the phone and now doesn't know how to get himself out of it.
I agree that the meeting, if it happens, will only be a test of my newly developed skills.
You are such a strong women and are doing so well by your kids. There really is no wrong or right move, MLC does not discriminate, everything you do is wrong!
Now, in reality, you are doing everything you need to do for you and your children and your H is going to loose. I was so sad to hear your S14 was made to feel so upset, but he sounds like he is taking control of who is welcome in his life. That battle is between your S14 and H, you can only love your boy through his hard time.
You have been at this a long time, I pray for peace!
<3 DawnMarie
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
