[cat04]

In it...

If he is lying to her, what makes you think he isn't lying to you...

So you avoided the question of "is all of this information good for you"

Do you honestly think there is really a benefit to him giving you information about her and their relationship?

I don't. I remember wanting to know everything. Thinking that if I just became his friend...

And while it is true that we want to listen and validate, there are just certain things that we shouldn't have to listen to. And not listening to it, is a personal boundary.

Personal boundaries allow us to build our self esteem and self respect.

Which, at this point, is something that I think you should be focusing on.

Although there are people who will disagree with me, I believe it takes one of two things to allow cake eating...

Extreme self esteem and self respect (in which case, you know where your limit to the cake eating lies)...

or fear of change and losing the m...which is so great that your self esteem takes a huge beating...

The second one, often later leads to regrets and doubt...

So some hard questions...

How do you really feel about continuing the intimate relationship with your H right now?

Why have you chosen to continue to do that?

What are your H's complaints about you and the M?

I haven't seen these questions asked and they really are necessary...

For your growth...

[uRworthy]

Hi In it. I am so sorry that you find yourself here.

And I am so sorry that your h has chosen to use such harsh words with you at a time when you are so vunerable.

Right now your priorities need to be yourself, your children and your unborn baby.

I know that this is so overwhelming. You have been punched in the gut and now have a pregnancy to deal with.

Though you have a lot of stuff going on, we need to start at the beginning.

In order to do that, you need to stop apologizing, stop worrying about what he says or doesnt say to ow, stop worrying about if you are saying or doing something that might make him mad, ok?

Sweetie, this is tough stuff. Really tough. But the most important thing to remember is that this isnt your fault.

Where there things you could have done differently in the marriage? I am sure there were. We all could have. But you have to believe that you did the best you could with the tools and knowledge you had at the time. Had you known better, you would have done better. You did not do anything with the intent to cause harm to your marriage or your h.

Now, that's not to say that you shouldnt own those things that you could have done better. Own them, and learn from them.

You need to do some soul searching. Figure out the things about yourself that you would like to change. Really look inward and be honest and try to understand them.

Once you figure them out, you can begin to change them. I used to look at people I admired and thought about what characteristics and traits they had.

I know that dbing is counter-intuitive to how you think you should act. But it really is a way to save you, and sometimes it saves marriages.

The more you push towards him, the more he will pull away.

I'd like you to think about setting some personal boundaries. Boundaries arent to punish the other person, they are to protect you from being hurt and a way to show self worth.

I agree with Cat, hearing about the ow is not serving you well.

And I want to tell you something. Even though your children are young, they are watching. And I want you to be able to show them how to navigate life's turmoils from a place of courage and strength.

So, make sure you take care of you. Think about some of the things I've posted. Put the focus on you and your children. And let him blow in the wind right now.

You can do this.

[in_it]

Cat & Unworthy-I have read both of your comments & want to say thank you and that I appreciate them very much. I did not want either of you to think I was avoiding them. Right now I'm taking some time to reflect & really let what you have each said & asked soak in. I'll post my thoughts within the next couple of days.

I do want to comment on one thing that has been in my head ever since I read Cats post & can't quit thinking about it…in regards to the boundaries. I've never considered myself a weak person or one to have low self esteem. I still don't feel that way. From the beginning of this sitch I've told myself I will do what I'm doing until I'm not 'me' anymore & I feel like my emotional state is not in the best spot for me or my daughters. Well, when finding out I was pregnant is when my emotions hit their lowest & have been spiraling ever since.

I'm about to have to do more soul searching than I have ever done. H will be gone most of 3 weeks out of the next 4. I do believe this will help me. I'm to a point now that I'm almost looking forward to it.

Thanks again for your comments. I feel quite lucky to have you take interest in my sitch & reach out to me. Ok enough for today, I'm starting to cry again just thinking about how the support here is so instant & real and I don't want to cry anymore right now!

[in_it]

Just noticed my typo...Urworthy- not Unworthy. Dang autocorrect.

Thank you uRworthy & cat.

[uRworthy]

In it, Dont ever worry about whether I think you are avoiding my posts. You have enough to worry about without worrying about that.

You take your time and when you are ready, you can tell us how you feel.

I am glad your h will be away for awhile. It will give you time to try to come to terms with some things.

I know your emotions are all over the place. I cannot imagine how you must feel just finding out you are pregnant and having your h say what he has said.

So, take some time to take care of you.

We will be right here for you whenever you are ready.

[NLW]

In it, Someone else said it - your H is a raving lunatic right now. He is not in his right mind to have said these things to you.

Mine is also spouting utter madness.

It's part of the process that some of them seem to go through (monster). However, it's almost impossible to deal with.

I think we need to shut it right out. No-one can cope with this; it's too hard.

Just focus on protecting yourself from his madness right now. Give him plenty of space to spin.

[cat04]

In it,

I had to go back and reread my post to you...

I hope you don't feel I was calling you weak because I wasn't. I was simply clarifying how I view cake eating. Your response actually tells me that you are closer to being in the first category. You knew why you were going along with it and you had an idea of when you would have to stop going along with it. You may be at that point now, idk.

Some people view allowing ANY cake eating as weakness and bad. I just don't happen to agree with that. We all have to draw our own lines though so I am glad you are thinking about it.

How are you doing today?

Oh, I made the same mistake with urworthy's new posting name when she changed it and wanted to bash her over the head (she is one super strong lady), until I reread it. Boy was I ever glad I didn't yell at her first. She would have probably bashed me lol.

[uRworthy]

In it, just stopping by to let you know I am thinking of you.

Hiya Cat, yea, I guess I didn't think the name thing through. Didnt think of it being seen as unworthy. LOL!

And bash you, my friend? Will never happen.

[in_it]

Thanks for checking everyone!

I'm doing pretty good today. My mind hasn't really wandered too much. I had a nice run this morning & lunch with some friends. Youngest D had a soccer game today as well. I decided to go to the bday party for Hs cousins children. It was pleasant & went well.

Just waiting to see what the evening has in store for me…we'll see?

Still reflecting on yesterday's posts & will write on them soon.

Thanks to all!

[uRworthy]

Hey In it, just stopping by to say hi. Hope you are doing well.