Not confused...trying to move forward...

[RockJC]

I talked to an uncle of mine who went through this 30 yrs ago. I asked if he ever recieved an apology. He just laughed. My aunt (he remarried 20+ years ago) mentioned that his ex said "I know I wasn't the best wife" in a passing conversation 15+ years after 'D'.

Not much of a validation after 15 years. He told me not to get my hopes up.

[Cadet]

One thing is certain, none of them appears to remember one tenth of what they said and did.

Not sure about you but I can not remember vividly things that happened 7 years ago.

If it was not for this forum and writing it down it would be totally wiped from my memeory banks.

I also hope that with forums like this one we are getting a better understanding of this.

I think it is a great pity that MLC is not more widely recognised and studied. Not sure I would want it medicalised but I would like to see more understanding of it, and recognition that this is not 'simply' marriage break up, but a total personality change by one of the parties.

I have seen marriages saved in the time that I have been here.
I can honestly say that I have even been part of the reason that a few were saved.

So I think we are on the right track. IMHO.

[beatrice]

I think it depends on the content! For instance my xh told my children that they had never been wanted. I think if i had said this, I might have a vague memory! Did some terrible damage but does xh remember saying it? Not at all. And he acted as if he meant it for several years

I think the site does help, of course, but to the world out there MLc is largely not understood, even by MC.

[AJM]

B, if you said something like that to your kids, would you want to remember it? Even if you did, would you be strong enough to admit it and that you were wrong? I suspect you would, but that doesn't apply to everyone, right?

AJ

[beatrice]

If we could remember only what we choose. We can choose what we dwell on, but memories come to most people unbidden.

There are many things I do not want to remember, like the knocking on the door the night my sister died. The stricture of memory is extremely mysterious.

[BRNR]

Wow! Thank you everyone for commenting.

I still don't have high hopes for my marriage being one of the salvaged ones. Maybe a smidgen, but with each passing day, my feelings seem to be evolving into one of...please don't come back. At this stage, I almost wish he would disappear completely, but I am saying this from a wife standpoint and not a mother. My H seems to be holding onto the boys, but even this seems as if it is getting less and less.

So today was a good day, boys and I had an almost normal day pre MLC. We went to sons soccer game, shopped, had lunch, took a couple hours to relax, I worked on fixing a door and planting a cherry tomato plant, shopped some more, then called it a night. Dinner was skipped, because boys and I weren't hungry...not sure why, but we had nice, relaxing night playing video games together.

I had an interesting couple of moments with s14. I should say, touching moments. We went to the store for groceries, and I asked the boys if they would like to get thier dad a birthday card. Neither seemed too thrilled about it, but reluctantly did. I picked a handful out and let them choose. They picked one that didn't really have much too it. Surprising, because some of them were mushy and/or funny and long...and good.

Then one of the two moments happened. My s14 went a little further down to the mom cards...he found one and said "Mom, here is one for you". It said something like..."I know at times things get get hard and you just feel like running away, but I know you never will. I love you!" I almost cried in the store...I did confirm with a proud momma smile and said " no son, I never, ever will."

Part two happened several hours later, and I told my son, that I will always be there for him no matter what, just like the card. He said he knew that, and unlike Dad who is missing out on everything, which is his loss, he knows that I will be there for him just like he will be there for me. I lost it on this one, and the tears of joy did come out and we hugged.

When do kids get so smart about life. I have to say, my newly fourteen year old seems more mature than my H. Ah, but it is a crazy, crazy world in MLC land....

Had to share, as this seemed like one of those moments you would see in a hallmark movie or something.

Of course, on the flip side, despite me never having a bad word to say about H around the boys, s14 is seeing things for what they really are...abondonement. It is a shame, and there is really nothing I can or cannot say about it, or do about it.

But like thier mother who has always been strong,( less +- the last 6 months of course) my boys are strong too. We will get through this. And we will be fine.

Side note - reality hit me today, and probably will tomorrow too, on just how much work is put into home ownership. In my marriage, I was one to take care of the inside and h was one to take care of the outside. So with spring here, I have to open up the garage and get the mower out and running, weed wacker, etc. The boys are helping me and are pretty excited for tomorrow and asked if we could start right after breakfast. I said sure, as I have a half acre of yard to get cleaned up and don't even know if I have the keys to everything. Should be fun, and comical, I imagine. So s14 and I will be learning tomorrow how to work the mower. Here is to hoping no one gets hurt and we don't break anything...lol!

[BRNR]

AJ, no it doesn't apply to everyone. I would though, and so would the "old" h. We were always one to own up to our mistakes. Maybe one day I will get the apology, irregardless how things turn out with my marriage. I understand how it really does depend on what is remember while they are going through things, but I can have hope for this one day just as much as I can hope my h will want to come home, can't I?

[BRNR]

Cadet, I am one of those people who has a photographic memory...I remember everything. Even now, unfortunately.

I am glad we learn so much on MLC from others and our own research. Hopefully it prevents any of us having to go through it, although I suspect it probably doesn't work out that way.

I once read a comment on this board that stuck to my core a little...it was something like "when standing, we are not just waiting for our h/w to come out of this, but we are also putting in work , maybe that is much needed, into our marriages...whether that marriage is with our MLCers or a future spouse." I really feel this to be so true. After all, how do we know that if we got into another relationship, with another person, that this couldn't happen again. I would rather put the work into something that I know was good, and have it completely fail, but not by my hand. So, while I don't have hopes of saving my marriage to date, I do know that I want to put in the work, to better myself for my future one, to whomever that should be with. So here is to hoping that everyone here sees at least one saved and has a hand in saving them.

[AJM]

Then one of the two moments happened. My s14 went a little further down to the mom cards...he found one and said "Mom, here is one for you". It said something like..."I know at times things get get hard and you just feel like running away, but I know you never will. I love you!" I almost cried in the store...I did confirm with a proud momma smile and said " no son, I never, ever will."

Part two happened several hours later, and I told my son, that I will always be there for him no matter what, just like the card. He said he knew that, and unlike Dad who is missing out on everything, which is his loss, he knows that I will be there for him just like he will be there for me. I lost it on this one, and the tears of joy did come out and we hugged.

As a father that watched his W walk away from his kids, I cannot express to you how important I see this moment as. Yes, kids are incredibly smart and observant of their family members. They internalize and rationalize it differently than we might think, but hey, that's just part of being different than you, right? I think it's great that you don't say any discouraging or disparaging remarks about their dad. I ran into an old friend the other day. His mom did similar when he was a kid. He's still affected by the things she said during that time. He's >55 now. It matters and it is a great gift you are giving your kids. I'm proud of you and your kids for taking the time to tell you that.

AJ, no it doesn't apply to everyone. I would though, and so would the "old" h. We were always one to own up to our mistakes. Maybe one day I will get the apology, irregardless how things turn out with my marriage. I understand how it really does depend on what is remember while they are going through things, but I can have hope for this one day just as much as I can hope my h will want to come home, can't I?

If it's two things I know, it's that we can't see the future and nobody can take our hope from us about anything. Hope is one of the greatest things we have as human beings. What we hope in is important - make it count! As for your H, he may not remember it "all" because of where his mind is right now. I wouldn't hold that against him later, ya know? I'm sure he'll remember hurting you, but not all the details necessarily.

After all, how do we know that if we got into another relationship, with another person, that this couldn't happen again. I would rather put the work into something that I know was good, and have it completely fail, but not by my hand. So, while I don't have hopes of saving my marriage to date, I do know that I want to put in the work, to better myself for my future one, to whomever that should be with. So here is to hoping that everyone here sees at least one saved and has a hand in saving them.

Amen, Sister! Amen. Funny how life can be, isn't it? The thing is, you will come out of this stronger than ever before. Your H may also, but that's his story to live. Being the best you can be, inside or outside a relationship is always important and sometimes hard to see. But I think you have the right approach.

Proud of you!

Peace,
AJ

[BRNR]

Thanks AJ. It has taken me too long to get here, but I glad I finally am. So, I really had a good week over all, and my weekend with the boys was great, even though we didn't do anything special.

We made out great on the yard work...found the keys, and got everything working and running. So far so good the yard looks nice, but we called it a day after a few hours...we spent more time figuring stuff out than we did working, and honestly, I was mentally spent.

So, what I realized this week, is that I can move on without my H. Funny, I never thought I would say that. I guess after our "conversation" last week, I just realized that my sitch really is no different then where it was at bomb drop. And h is really not my H right now. What (or who) am I holding onto? I also realized that having my H back in my life is a want, not a need. I know I will be fine without him. So, working on keeping myself busy with the boys when I have them, relaxing and enjoying my alone time when I am not, and getting my head back in the game at work.

The weather is warming up, and it has been so nice enjoying life outside of four walls. So I don't have much planned this week, other than work, the boys and all their "stuff", getting back on track with studying for my bookkeeper certification, and this upcoming weekend I decided to take a drive to some Outlets to do a little retail therapy...with the money I would have generally spent on H for his birthday! I am actually kinda excited for this, as I never really have gone that far away without the family in tow. Should be nice!

Here is to hoping that I get no news out of H this week ( no news is good news right?) . I need some peace and quiet...