Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

[AJM]

Yes, it is funny. Not in the comical way, but in the "that's odd" sort of way. What's funny about it is how we suffered over their choices, when all along it wasn't really needed in the grand scheme of things.

Yes H said at the very beginning maybe in a year or two he would regret his decision but he had to do what he needed to do. Well I hope he has found his elusive happiness. But I doubt it was that easy.

I recall my ex saying how she "deserved to be happy" so many times. Looking at the above, I remember that's why I have compassion.

Recently my ex was trying to manipulate me into going in expenses with my D's college. I don't talk to my ex as there is no way to make that kind of commitment with her. But I was struck at how she fell back into her old ways of trying to get me to do things she wanted. (keep in mind, if I don't agree, I'm wrong according to her. And my daughter will get her college paid by me ex and her husband regardless. I'd pay for it completely if not. There's no risk to my daughter in this). When she didn't get what she wanted, my ex told me both my daughter and her were happier and more successful "without my influence." What struck me was that it has been years since I've had any say with her and that she is still talking for my daughter as if they are one person. But what really came to mind was sadness for my ex. Poor thing is still comparing her life to the time we were married and still looking for that "happiness". I can only wish her well (I did of course) and hope she finds the peace and joy she craves.

What she has done or said aside, I feel sad for her and hope that she does find that happiness. Can you imagine, WH, the fear and doubt of leaving your spouse because you are not happy? Not unhappy with your spouse, but unhappy in general and don't know why? My C once told me that I'd be long gone before (if) she figured things out. I suspect she's right and I hated that statement at the time. I was willing to wait. Honestly, I did for far longer than was needed. I received all kinds of lashing out because of it. Silly me

In my experience, what people do is look for that "happiness". They look for it in drugs, parties, activities, or people. They try new clothes (the advertisers tell you how happy you'll be with their products), cars, etc. They are constantly searching. Some for a very long time. They tell themselves and anyone that will listen how happy they are. How they "deserve" to be happy. How the spouse is holding them back (by making them responsible.) They lash out. They blame. They cheat. Lie. Steal. Do all kinds of crazy and destructive things in search of that elusive happiness. Possessions: they gather all kinds of "things". We on the outside see how ridiculous it is to try and fill that gaping void that way. They do not. They are all action and no coherent thought. At least not coherent in a way others would understand. And always that gnawing pain. Until they figure it out. If they figure it out.

I find that sad. I find it sad how they hurt those around them: family, friends, pets, etc. How they are so scared they hang on to their spouse while they beat them senseless emotionally, saying things like, "I can come back when I want to (I can stop anytime?)", or "we'll always be friends" etc. We are the one person they currently know that would help them in a positive way.

At some point, we realize we cannot help them. We turn our attention to helping ourselves. We realize that they say these things to help themselves and we are at first, willing to take that to help them. We eventually realize it doesn't help them, but does hurt us. So we stop that behavior. We set boundaries. We begin to explore who we are as individuals. And at some point along the way, we realize we don't want any part of that abuse or the train wreck they became. We just hope for their own sake they find what they are looking for. But we stop looking for it. We hope, but we no longer pay attention. We hope as we would for any old friend or even the postman.

But compassion is something we can have for this kind of experience. Even if we won't be part of it any longer. Even if we find we are far better off away from them. It wasn't what we asked for, but we recognize we won't accept what it is now. And so emotionally we leave them, even if they physically left us first. What we find is that we do what we need to do for us, the LBS, and let them find their way. And we wish them well even while we wish they would stay away

My .02 on that.

I know it's hard when you have to deal with it constantly. But hang in there, WH. You are doing the right things and your emotions will catch up and far surpass the current situation. You will heal. You will move on and be very healthy. I can see that in you. The people you meet and have impact on will be very lucky to know you, I have no doubt. You make a difference and you are a wonderful person. Nobody can ever take that from you regardless how hard they try.

Cheers,
AJ