Time, Space and Proof

[moth76]

Really hoping to get some advice about my sitch. W and I had one conversation before we S as far as seeing other people. Obviously she had been in EA possible PA, but I brought it up at that time because my main concern has been not wanting the OM to be freely spending time with my S. He isn't a part of my family and I feel that it is inappropriate for W to be having him around our kid.

The thing is this: I understand that there is nothing I can or even should do as far as my W having an A. I have accepted that and know that she has to sort that out. But I don't accept OM being around my boy. I would like to set some kind of boundary about it with W. My concern is that ultimately she can do what she wants anyway, and I don't want to start a useless fight. I just feel strongly about the issue. How can I approach the topic ina non-aggressive way but still be firm?

I really need to hear from others who have dealt with this.

[cbtdad]

Moth,
I will be dealing with this same thing in my situation a couple weeks from now. W has a horse show about an hour away from where we live. Her dad has a house there that just sits empty so her and a few others that ride will be staying there. The OM in my sitch owns a horse show company and is putting on this show so he will be in town for a couple of weeks as well. As far as I think I'm assuming he is staying at a hotel and not with W.
Having said that, W wants to have son up there from Sunday night-wed.
I am very concerned about this, as I don't want this guy around my son. I understand at some point that if we divorce and move on there will be new people in his life at some point. However, she has been "seeing" this guy since end of January. Way too soon in my eyes to introduce him to my son.

At the end of the day. All I could say to my wife in a calm manner was, "I am not comfortable with S going to stay with you in between shows, but you are his mother and I have to trust that you have his best interest at heart"
She knows my concerns and that's all I can do.
You can't control what she does unfortunately, unless you have a court order saying so.
I understand that this guy will be around and will probably meet my son, but if I find out he is staying at house or doing things with just the two of them I will be extremely disappointed and wil not forget it.

Just stay calm when you bring it up and share your true concerns. This is your concerns for your son, not for you. Remember that

[moth76]

Thanks cbtdad. That seems like a good way to voice your concern. How would you respond if your W stared spending time with OM and S? Is there an appropriate response? Or is this just another horrible layer of accepting?

[cbtdad]

I don't really think there is an appropriate response other than if you here bad things about the OM that could be harmful then get a lawyer.
I just think it can be confusing for your children to see their parents with someone else so soon. It's not that I think this OM is a criminal or something. But it jut confuses son when there is already enough confusion in his life.
I look at this way, if W wants to put my son through that then that's not who I want to be married to and I will move in another direction.
I will still be cordial and co parent with her, but I will do things differently.
In the end I think we have to accept that we don't have control over te situation. All we can do is voice out concerns to our W and hope they have enough respect left to honor those concerns.
As I have told my wife. "I can't control what you decide to do in the end, but I can and will try to do what's best for my son"

[moth76]

The potential confusion for my S is exactly my concern. There are enough difficulties already with just being S and trying to co-parent in a healthy way. Adding in something like OM spending time with W in front of S is damaging I feel.

Feeling really hurt about this right now. Thanks for the calm advice.

[moth76]

I was definitely feeling personal hurt earlier that W would be so cavalier about having OM around our S at her house. But I worked through the emotion and feel in a better place now to focus on my son's needs as far as speaking to W about keeping her A separate from our boy. Again thanks for the calm advice cbtdad.

I am still working on detachment, this new scenario really upset me. Refocused now.

[moth76]

Today has really been down and up. Staying positive though and writing in my journal and on this board to get the emotions out. But my letting go, ans positivity are already changing my outlook and apparently affecting W.

She told me when picking up S today that she is surprised at how nice and upbeat I have been lately. And how well I am dealing with everything. I simply told her this is the new me, being a positive person that focuses on the now instead of the past and succombing to depression. She said she is confused as to whether I am moving on or moving forward.

I didn't say much, just asked her how she feels.
Very happy about all this. Just going to keep it up.
And keep being polite and communicative with her.

[moth76]

It is a gorgeous day today. Going to have a nice family day at the park. Play time with S and then a nice picnic. Really looking forward to having the day off. Tomorrow S is with me all day too. Happy times.

[moth76]

[quote=moth76]
Posting a few 180 behaviors that I feel need focus.
1. Consult W on important decisions especially in regards to S. Actually
listen to her opinion and make a compromise.
2. Continued focus on anger management. Primarily when interactions with W set me off. Being watchful of the triggers.
3. Ongoing listening and validating during conversations with W. But also a stronger focus on using that during normal conversation with other people so
I build consistent habits.

4. Be more patient with S. Especially when my emotions are running high in regards to my sitch.

Adding another 180 to my list and journaling a bit.
My PMA is going really well. Still feeling a lot of pain at times
But simply feeling it and letting it pass, then dusting myself off and get up smiling.
I have been working like crazy on planting future seeds for my little business that I started last fall. Keeping quite busy and feeling great about the progress.

The space that my W gets from us being S is already putting her focus on her. I feel great being off the negativity train. The most difficult thing at this point is being more patient. Everyone on these boards uses the word marathon... so right.

4 months since BD and I feel like time had stopped. GAL, so necessary to not go crazy.

[moth76]

Getting a little frustrated lately about moving S back and forth between homes. It is wearing on him emotionally, and costing both W and I a lot on gas spending.

W and I discussed it today. We are going to try and find a happy medium, but we live on opposite sides of town. So there is no perfect solution. Also she feels like S's emotions will calm down. I am sure he will make adjustments over time, but I wish (I know I can't control how she acts) that she could at least admit that us working on our M is the solution that S and myself wish for.

Or more realistic I suppose I really wish that is what she desired. Instead of being S and "managing his and our emotional turmoil.