My painting party wasn't for you, I like blue!

[RockJC]

//but it goes against every single thing available in life as far as societal values- moral judgement- what our parents said - what we've said (before) so on- it is just putting yourself out there in such a awful and vulnerable place- merely based on your own convictions and sometimes you don't even have faith in them.//

That is exactly how I feel.

[albamarie]

Rock

That is exactly how I felt! I paid my dues, did my time, put in the effort to work through all those emotions, and today, I have learned that MLCer doesn't care one hoot about any of that!

You become a lone wolf, upholding your family beliefs, your shared values as a couple, and the moral judgement, well, that becomes your burden alone as well! Your own convictions are put through the test, along with your faith in everything you do at this point, we have been let down to such a degree that we must go through are own growth in order to regain a new stronger sence of self, IMHO!

I have gone through stages of saying and thinking things that would make God frown, but I know He knows what's in my heart, it's just taking me longer to figure it out.

[nero]

hi rockjc-

glad to hear your "voice". somehow it does seem to help to thnk i'm not the only "nut" out there doing this - feeling this (& being this - ) i can't even guess whether i'm incredibly strong - or incredibly weak, and so on. name your virtue/vice. could go either way. what? me spinning today in confusion? as usual - looking forward to day when it's done and buried - good or bad - and i KNOW one thing for sure about my life with or without h.

i can finish this one more day without blowing up- tomorrow i can always walk if i need to - rite???? i sure have developed a "one day at a time" attitude and can endure stuff i'd never ever have thought i could. soooo - i guess there's that. I can also not "bite" usuually and take the bait - ending in a fight with this guy. .

how in the world could we ever explain why we do it? what moves us to stick with it? i don't know- words seem inadequate.

i hope you are justified in all your hard work & pain. i hope for me too. this morning- i feel my h is perfectly pleasant but detached and has no place for me in his selfish (greedy) little heart & life. 75% of him is 18 yrs old. (no extra charge for the harsh judgement). i have defended him too long - to the world &myself- hence my feelings that i may be totally on the wrong trail here.

only time will tell i guess - i never can figure if i am glad i picked up that darn book - or sorry as heck. if i'm being the bigger person - or the bigger fool-

just patience and time will give that answer. oh ick- can't believe this is me here saying this junk -

i always thought i could be tough as nails if forced to- i guess that's the problem now that i say it out loud. "if forced to". he's not forcing me - and i'm finding it impossible to force myself. oh well-

one more day- we can do this i thnk- nice to meet you- i'll try and find your thread and read it-

good luck & hang on - (i think) xxo

[nero]

hey dawn -

wroooooooooohhhhhh - lone wolf girl here. ya know dawn- i like the way you put this all - clear & rite on point. (in the face of my ramble-age) i admire your ability to cut thru the crappola and just say it - i agree & feel it too - all of it just as you do.

You become a lone wolf, upholding .... Your own convictions are put through the test, along with your faith in everything you do at this point, we have been let down to such a degree that we must go through are own growth in order to regain a new stronger sence of self, IMHO!

I know- wtf is up with that??? the self-questioning we're (I'm) forced to do - because some h we loved is spinning out of control and may be a waste of skin (mine) and not at all the person we thought.

and yet - they "take us out" with them. the lesson being that in life people will use you as much as humanly possible to have their way. EVERYONE- everyone - everyone....

oh yeah- not to allow oneself to be damaged by this - to remain the person you are & know &love & keep values you believe in - or believe you should believe in - - DESPITE it all.....

oh well- i keep trying to have compassion & empathy for these people that do not have it themselves-

i don't want to be like them - or become them -

is this me growing? to decide to remain me- despite the world's response? despite what feels like fifty years of trying HARD to do something (perhaps) impossible.? don't know.

i agree about God frowning- good way to put it. if he's there - and participating at all - he frowns at me alot. if you're takng "longer" - then so am i; so i'm sayin you're in good company.. hopefully - we are both justified in our - what would call it? faith? insanity? perseverence in the face of "the enemy" - mwd says we get to admire ourselves in the end - even if we fail - for fighting the good fight....

okay- off to eat a pancake - de-junk the attic - put on some makeup and act as if... etc.

love ya- hang on dawn & rock - just for today

[albamarie]

''When you give too much importance to someone else in your life,
you loose ''your'' importance in their life.''

This helps explain acting "as if" for me, and helps me see there is some value to stepping back. I have been seeing it in my own H, and as Nero pointed out, maybe he is peeking in at what he would actually be leaving, or what he could return to.

Regardless, putting very little importance into what he needs these days has created a reversal of attitude on his part. He is reaching to me for answers, he is sleeping in our bed, he even admits he talks to himself so I can be aware of what's on his mind, maybe even create a conversation.

I have gotten to a point where I am pretty comfortable without him around me, and now that very act, has brought him closer Asking him to find a new home, and live his life the crazy way he thinks would make him happy, made him dig his heals in and stay put.

[SemperFi00]

''When you give too much importance to someone else in your life,
you loose ''your'' importance in their life.''

Great perspective!!!!!

[RockJC]

I.AM, I agree with everything you say except the part about being a "Lone Wolf". I know that I am not alone. I have tremendous support from friends and family. Most of them share my values and are very encouraging about what I am doing.

In fact, there where several times when I was so frustrated, that I just wanted to file myself and get it over. my friends talked me down and got me back on track. I specifically remember a discussion with my MIL where she talked about the sacrifice christ made for us, while he was being rejected. She then told me how much she loved me, how proud she was of me and then prayed with me.

The DB approach appears to recommend that we isolate ourselves and deal with this alone. I don't think I could do that.

Please know that you are not alone. I will say a quick prayer for you and Nero.

[albamarie]

I mean lone wolf, as far as for my sitch, as the one who has to maintain the shared values we once had as a couple. I am alone, without H, in upholding any respect, values, dignity, and decency that we held together for our family. He cares about nothing! I do have my adult kids who are stepping up, but I am the sole parent.

I don't not have any support system as far as friends and family. There I am very alone, but not by choice. It is great to have that and I certainly would take advantage if I was able. But, I guess we are never really alone if we have faith. So I pray and thanks for your prays, Nero is a great gal, she's trying so very hard and deserves everything positive to come her way.

<3 dm

[RockJC]

Do you attend a local church? I love my church and have built many strong and fulfilling relationships there.

[nero]

hey dawn-

just checking in. had the most incredibly busy weekend you could ever imagine- gone from morn to nite. did h know or care? about sat yes, today not so much. it's a wierd thing to be all GAL and him not even know - so it does me some good (face wise i guess)

oh well huh- here am i all as if=ing and in fact having a life - and , well, YOU KNOW - SAMe old stuff

i'm off to bed - tired as heck, hopeful of sleep

xxo good for you by the way - hope things are wll and truly on an upswing in your life and with your h- i may not "be there" - , but "i'm here" btw - it's hard to be all alone-

xxo hang on