Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

[beatrice]

WH same thing happened to me - my xh went through 2 different law firms (and changed lawyers with in the second firm). Plus my own very experienced lawyer said she had never encountered anyone as crazy as my xh.

He also dragged his feet(our divorce took two years to finalise) and asked for a postponement at one point because he wasn't sure what he wanted. Even the judge looked stunned.

Then he said - well we can always get married again .. . They aren't in reality

[AJM]

The more I sit and be still the more is revealed to me

Yes! Keep doing it. And remember that next time you get a chance. That's always worth remembering

FWIW, my ex hired the most expensive lawyer she could find. She had no income (was a returning student at the time). Her lawyer said some things that made me think she saw through the "fog" as did the financial advisor. Was interesting to say the least how others in the business picked up on the clues. Even my lawyer figured it out, but didn't really believe it until much later. That was a funny conversation when she finally got too close and saw what I saw.

My ex also said she could "always come back whenever she wanted" to me once.

Interesting ride we have on this spinning rock

Peace,
AJ

[wishing, hoping]

Yes H said at the very beginning maybe in a year or two he would regret his decision but he had to do what he needed to do. Well I hope he has found his elusive happiness. But I doubt it was that easy.

A few days without hearing from him. Thank goodness. You know, he has been blowing up my phone with the most ridiculous reasons to call. I have stopped answering the phone unless I can hand it right over to the kids. He talks to the kids I hang up. Nothing more to say so just let it go.

Looking forward to relaxing a bit with a house full of normalcy and peace and quiet. Well, non-H peace and quiet which is good enough for me.

WH

[NLW]

Hey WH,

Isn't it interesting that we have moved on to this point - not wanting contact from them. Just shows how crazy they are acting, I suppose.

It's good that we're in a place where we can see clearly that we need to protect ourselves from their madness/abnormality.

It's not just that we are better off without them in their current state; it's more like no-one could possibly put up with this for too long.

[albamarie]

[quote]My ex also said she could "always come back whenever she wanted" to me once. [/ quote]
Hi everyone, see this just helps me know that I am not alone in this land of MLC. My not-h has said this from the very beginning, even going as far as saying, who's going to take my family away from me, I'm coming back!

He never left, and now that he see's me stronger, he believes we can all live without him, so he dug in and stayed!

It is funny how now we are the ones hoping they don't call, they don't show up, and we are enjoying our peace. We should enjoy every moment we are not exposed to their fog, and take back some sence of ourselves.

<3 dm

[AJM]

Yes, it is funny. Not in the comical way, but in the "that's odd" sort of way. What's funny about it is how we suffered over their choices, when all along it wasn't really needed in the grand scheme of things.

Yes H said at the very beginning maybe in a year or two he would regret his decision but he had to do what he needed to do. Well I hope he has found his elusive happiness. But I doubt it was that easy.

I recall my ex saying how she "deserved to be happy" so many times. Looking at the above, I remember that's why I have compassion.

Recently my ex was trying to manipulate me into going in expenses with my D's college. I don't talk to my ex as there is no way to make that kind of commitment with her. But I was struck at how she fell back into her old ways of trying to get me to do things she wanted. (keep in mind, if I don't agree, I'm wrong according to her. And my daughter will get her college paid by me ex and her husband regardless. I'd pay for it completely if not. There's no risk to my daughter in this). When she didn't get what she wanted, my ex told me both my daughter and her were happier and more successful "without my influence." What struck me was that it has been years since I've had any say with her and that she is still talking for my daughter as if they are one person. But what really came to mind was sadness for my ex. Poor thing is still comparing her life to the time we were married and still looking for that "happiness". I can only wish her well (I did of course) and hope she finds the peace and joy she craves.

What she has done or said aside, I feel sad for her and hope that she does find that happiness. Can you imagine, WH, the fear and doubt of leaving your spouse because you are not happy? Not unhappy with your spouse, but unhappy in general and don't know why? My C once told me that I'd be long gone before (if) she figured things out. I suspect she's right and I hated that statement at the time. I was willing to wait. Honestly, I did for far longer than was needed. I received all kinds of lashing out because of it. Silly me

In my experience, what people do is look for that "happiness". They look for it in drugs, parties, activities, or people. They try new clothes (the advertisers tell you how happy you'll be with their products), cars, etc. They are constantly searching. Some for a very long time. They tell themselves and anyone that will listen how happy they are. How they "deserve" to be happy. How the spouse is holding them back (by making them responsible.) They lash out. They blame. They cheat. Lie. Steal. Do all kinds of crazy and destructive things in search of that elusive happiness. Possessions: they gather all kinds of "things". We on the outside see how ridiculous it is to try and fill that gaping void that way. They do not. They are all action and no coherent thought. At least not coherent in a way others would understand. And always that gnawing pain. Until they figure it out. If they figure it out.

I find that sad. I find it sad how they hurt those around them: family, friends, pets, etc. How they are so scared they hang on to their spouse while they beat them senseless emotionally, saying things like, "I can come back when I want to (I can stop anytime?)", or "we'll always be friends" etc. We are the one person they currently know that would help them in a positive way.

At some point, we realize we cannot help them. We turn our attention to helping ourselves. We realize that they say these things to help themselves and we are at first, willing to take that to help them. We eventually realize it doesn't help them, but does hurt us. So we stop that behavior. We set boundaries. We begin to explore who we are as individuals. And at some point along the way, we realize we don't want any part of that abuse or the train wreck they became. We just hope for their own sake they find what they are looking for. But we stop looking for it. We hope, but we no longer pay attention. We hope as we would for any old friend or even the postman.

But compassion is something we can have for this kind of experience. Even if we won't be part of it any longer. Even if we find we are far better off away from them. It wasn't what we asked for, but we recognize we won't accept what it is now. And so emotionally we leave them, even if they physically left us first. What we find is that we do what we need to do for us, the LBS, and let them find their way. And we wish them well even while we wish they would stay away

My .02 on that.

I know it's hard when you have to deal with it constantly. But hang in there, WH. You are doing the right things and your emotions will catch up and far surpass the current situation. You will heal. You will move on and be very healthy. I can see that in you. The people you meet and have impact on will be very lucky to know you, I have no doubt. You make a difference and you are a wonderful person. Nobody can ever take that from you regardless how hard they try.

Cheers,
AJ

[albamarie]

AJM,

Very well written! My h said staying home means he's denying himself happiness, but that's ok he can be miserable, tighten his belt and deny himself! Those are some really hurtful words for anyone to hear!

I will copy and past this post to help remind me everyday I don't have to except this, I no longer have to pay attention.

My best to you WH, you really are doing great! Thanks for sharing!

[wishing, hoping]

You guys rock!! I am in tears.

I will be okay. It will be hard, but it was hard with H too. But at least now I can do what I want. What is best for me and my kids.

At D's dance today some women and I were talking and one talked about doing the "Dirty Girl" run and I told her I was impressed. She said she wanted to do it last year and her H said no. I said why on earth would he say no? She said because he is controlling and wants his freedom and I am to the point where I am standing up for myself. It really hit me how lucky I am. I don't want to ever settle again just to "have someone". It's not worth it to me. I want people in my life that lift me up. Not people that tear me down.

Love you all!! Have a great day.

WH

[Portia]

AJ

That was an amazing post. One that could only be written from experience.

Thank you for that.

[Stipple]

AJ

Thank you for that post. It has helped me look at things from another perspective.