Charting a New Course

[Verum]

Wife actually apologized for the way she was today. It was nice to hear, but didn't really do anything about the underlying problem. She apologized for being bi!chy. She just told me that everything was irritating her today.

PF, it's tough and I feel for you. I think patience and avoid reacting too much to her. The apology is a very small, but good sign.

Have you read the Five Love Languages? My DB coach recommended doing this in parallel to DBing since we're living together. You're in a similar situation.

I watched a tv show with her and then left her on her own and went to bed. I still get the feeling she is just waiting for me to leave on my next trip. My plan for tomorrow is to disappear for the day. I've got to find something to apply myself to so I can get my mind off of this stuff. Probably work out and then maybe go to the coast.

Good keep up the GAL. Visit the local yacht club. When I owned a boat, I was always looking for people to go sailing. Hang out there and gradually make some friends.

[Pathfinder2]

Just found a post from PON In WFM's thread.

Something for me to focus on. Thanks, PON! Where did you find this?


"Gosh, would love to share that with h, but wont!...he's toooooo busy"

STOP

I think you need to purchase a STOP sign

Did you read this from MWD today:

Sometimes, when your marriage is on the rocks, you start to wonder how relationship goals that require two people's active participation apply to you. That's why I decided to write Ten Marriage Saving Strategies You Can Do Alone! for those people who don't have the luxury of their partner's support. Here are ten goals that you can accomplish yourself!


1. Envision positive outcomes
There is no way that you can begin to accomplish positive change your marriage if you don't believe it is possible. Start by imagining what your life will be like when your marriage truly turns a corner. The more you can picture every detail, the easier it will be to eventually step into this picture at some later date.

2. Act as if you expect miracles to occur
Once you can imagine positive outcomes, reflect on how you will be behaving differently when they happen. Then start doing that right now!

3. Be kind, even if you think your spouse doesn't deserve it
You may be angry, disappointed, or even devastated by your spouse's choices and actions. However, rather than react to unsettling behavior, assume your spouse is lost and confused. Be patient, kind and steady and your efforts will pay off.

4. Focus on small, positive changes
Don't expect big changes overnight or you will be disappointed and it will make it hard to stay on track. Imagine the smallest change possible that would signal a shift in how things have been going. Then focus on that.

5. Promise yourself that you will have a great future, no matter what
You can not control what your spouse does, but you can control what you decide to do with yourself and your children, if you have them. Take a deep breath and envision how you are going to create a great future, regardless of your spouse's choices.

6. Exercise your worry away
Take a walk, get some exercise to become more fit. Exercise can be a lifesaver. It helps to assuage worries, feel good about yourself and increase feel-good hormones like endorphins. Go for it!

7. Do one new thing you enjoy
Don't become stale just because you are having a shaky time in your marriage. Novelty will stimulate your brain and maybe even your heart and help you have a more positive outlook about the future.

8. Make sure you have quality time with your children or other loved ones. Be present.
Many times, when people are teetering on the brink of divorce, their pain makes them become self-absorbed and staying the moment becomes a challenging task. You will never be able to do your children's childhood again, so do your best to be with them mentally when you're with them.

9. If you get off track, get back on quickly without self-blame
What separates the winners from the losers is not whether or how many times you get off track, it's how rapidly you get back on track. If you've veered from the Divorce Busting plan, hop right back on track without self-recrimination.

10. Do activities that help you rediscover serenity
Meditate, pray, hike in the mountains or watch a sky full of shooting stars. On a regular basis, do whatever it takes to bring you back to yourself. You and everyone around will benefit from your peacefulness.

[Pathfinder2]

I've never kept a journal before. Always thought it was kind of an excercise for an introvert. Don't feel that way anymore.

Adinva posted a bit of advice in WFM's thread talking about how we should be looking at the macroclimate of our spousal interactions. This hit home to me. I have been focusing on individual events and reacting to them. I have also kept no reliable record of these encounters.

My failure to accurately record these successes and failures has left me ineffective when it comes to learning what is working and what isn't.

I'm logging my feelings, my encounters, my responses and their effects on my wife each day now. Already, I can think of something I did that I know my wife would take issue with. Not a real agregious error, but it IS an indication of my failure to make a 180 from deep down within me instead of it only being on the surface.

I'll post about it later.

Thank you, Adinva, for posting this. Sometes common sense escapes me.

[mrtwopointfour]

Thank you, Adinva, for posting this. Sometes common sense escapes me.

now don't be to hard on yourself. I am the same. I think it's more a case that in these early stage out brains are working so hard to deal with it all and find some magic solution we forget the basics and the obvious.

[Pathfinder2]

SA,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Going down to the yacht club is a very good idea. At the end of the month, they have an open house that I am going to attend. It's gonna be great! I also have my boating certificate on its way, so I can rent power boats this summer. The kids will absolutely LOVE it!

Yes, I have read 5LL's. My wife's languages are Physical Touch and Quality Time. I recently started applying doses of Physical Touch. The Quality Time is harder to initiate. It seems because of our drift apart we experience large amounts of silence between us which I find uncomfortable. I don't want her to detect that in me. I will be looking for opportunities for us to have these times again. We used to have them.

I continue to get what I consider baby steps. The apology was actually a big one. She usually doesn't apologize with words. She just adjusts her behavior.

Just got to make sure I keep the steps coming along.

[25yearsmlc]

thought you might want to THANK GOD or the universe for the apology your wife gave you.

IT's more than most here, ever hear...seriously.

And you must GAL more. I know you said sometime this month you'll look into sailing and that's a start. But I know I posted to you my GAL list and that was in frickin' Alaska's interior and included the winter at times.

I was BUSY and you are not.

WHen you take those trips, go bowling if you have to (my last resort -long story but I would NOT stay in one hotel room all night if my obsessing began. Time for a movie, interaction with PEOPLE, etc.

The main thing in my opinon is to meet new people. People who are meeting the NEW IMPROVED YOU, which helps you reinforce the changes you are making and the man you are becoming.

And takes your mind OFF of her.

Who cares if she took off her ring again and or listened to hard rock? I mean, if it bothers the kids or scares them, ask them to tell HER that.

OTherwise, you've just got too much time on your hands. YOU control that, however.

good luck

[Grizz]

PF, just wanted to come by and say thanks for the post on my thread. It was very helpful.

[mrtwopointfour]

Hi 25yearsmlc

I am following PF's sitch closely as we have identical issues on M and with W's. I picked up on what you said here

And takes your mind OFF of her

Is the point of GAL to show W both that you are not needy, that you are getting on with life AND so that you don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself and thinking too much a out things?

For example my W is away with kids. This is the first time I have been home alone for this long for at least 9 years. Last night I went out to a mall late night shopping just to be around people (even if they are strangers) to make sure I was not sat around thinking.

Sorry PF I am asking this for both of us, hope you don't think I am hijacking your thread!

[Verum]

Hi 25yearsmlc

Is the point of GAL to show W both that you are not needy, that you are getting on with life AND so that you don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself and thinking too much a out things?

I would say the point of GAL is to:

1. build self-esteem
2. get on with your life so that you are not so needy
3. show WAS that you can get by without them
4. show WAS that you are interesting and somebody they should want to be with
5. Occupy your time so that you don't just think about your broken M

[Pathfinder2]

Grizz,

Thanks for stopping by! I am still following you and your situation. I hope things are well for you today!