DBing, European style

[25yearsmlc]

First, let me re-cap a great post you got and MUST take in...and process...
From Adinva


Regarding 4:15 and 5 pm, in order to not be a doormat you have to make your needs clear far enough in advance for her to make plans, and far enough in advance for you to adjust your request if her work schedule can't accommodate your plans.


this ^^^ is basic YET many folks forget it, or take it for granted or just get complacent. But keep it in mind and there won't be any doormat issue. From MY perspective with THIS one example, you were the one who was off base...what does "time for me" mean, when compared to a meeting she is having? She's NOT a mind reader either...

so communicate often, make YOUR needs known with clarity from your end, not what she "Should know" in your opinion. Make sense?



That's boundary stuff and it will help YOU LIVE BETTER no matter what else happens.

And, what you describe as giving up many others would describe as letting go, which is without exception essential to any reconciliation.
_______________________

Exactly^^^ and this is what I have been saying (and I assume others as well). The paradox of DBing is that ONLY by letting go and moving forward, can WE find ourselves truly changing for OUR Reasons, becoming wives/husbands only a fool would leave.

But without expecting the WAS to return, yet knowing WE will be fine no matter what. Seeing the upside of their departure is also a good start.

No matter how great a spouse is, there are SOME things we're not crazy about AND even if not, we like some time to ourselvse, which divorce DOES provide. It's not all hellish if we're honest about it.

Get in touch with the small things first and eventually you'll see that there are upside that are bigger too.

I say this even while married. But I like chick flicks sometimes, and I don't always wants a four course dinner, and I can't stand the toilet seat left up.

So, those were the first things I noticed that I preferred about h being gone. NO they did not outweigh my desire FOR Him

but every little bit helps...



[quote=Papa4Life]Journaling:

Feeling pretty positive today. Maybe it's a bit of a jujitsu maneuver but I've just given myself over to what W wants. We went to MC today and she looked me in the eye and said that this is what she wants and here's why.


any reaction to her explanation? Care to discuss it here? Does it help guide you in the changes you want to make for yourself?


And then this afternoon we had a meeting with our financial afvisor and her face lit up at the idea of separate residences, so I'm continuing on with giving her everything she wants.

What does that mean?

Not sure what the laws are there, but what CHOICE do you really have? I mean, here in the USA, the states grant divorces and most property settlements use a formula. Unless a child with special needs is involved or you live in a fault state (unusual but a few remain)

or some property is confusing, it's a bit cut and dried. To ME it's too cut and dried.

But my point is, you are acting as if you are "granting" her something to which she is not entitled anyhow. What are you "giving"her that she would not get anyhow AND WHY?

if it's stuff she'd get anyhow, don't crow about it.

If it's not stuff she's entitled to, then are you being a doormat?

If so, why?


She also got angry with the kids a few times today, but I couldn't be bothered playing the mediator the way I would have in the past. It's actually quite liberating to realize that I don't have to take responsibility for her feelings anymore. Focussing on myself has been really liberating, and that has been unexpected.

This is the first gift of the change being forced upon you. The others are up to you. MEANING, do you want to keep changing to become a better man,

or will you decide since you may have lost your wife anyhow, why bother?

IOW, what is your motivation for change, now?

Look, I know I can come across as a bit of an a-hole, and I know I put a lot of people off. I would say that I might have what some people might call Aspergers-like symptoms, but it's not that simple.


My little brother has Asperger's syndrome. No one said it's simple at all.

How does it manifest in your life? Be as forthright as you can be.

Is the reason you glossed over the reasons your wife listed for divorcing you, ..b/c you think it's not fixable AND OR that it's a terrible character flaw?

it is treatable. I never thought my brother would make it 4 years in the military but he did. I never thought he'd marry but he did, and a great woman at that. They have a daughter and he's an attentive proud father. He holds his job down and it's involving other people, not solo work.

He's forced to interact and work on his social skills and he has lots of siblings for feedback. Most of us give constructive feedback b/c he really needs it. When he heeds it, his life is better.

It DOES TAKE WORK and attention however, or he'll hurt and offend many people and not necessarily know it. And then he'll be alone, and he gets very self loathing when that happens. And that's not good.



If anything I feel things to deeply.

maybe...or maybe you are not picking up on other's feelings so you assume they are absent. THAT inability to know they are hurt or angry or feeling neglected, is a trait of Asperger's...


I'm very easily wounded, and this situation feels like W and other people are really twisting the knife.

what other people? Us? Your friends or co workers? Who? How is that shown?

All I can ask is that, unlike W, that the people on this board not give up on me.


We won't. I'm surprised you would worry about that -considering how many post to YOU AND what Sandi and Bond said...who said WE would leave?? You were the one "Signing out", not us.

I take your advice to heart, and I love you guys for your support. If you knew me in RL, you would know that I'm a sensitive guy, but one whose initial response is always to fight to protect himself.

I suggest you work to change that. It's usually abrasive and confrontational and NOT fun to be around. Just b/c you feel the need to protect, does not mean it's working in your life.

There are smarter healthier ways to protect yourself, like by bringing in MORE love and friendship into your life, not less...

But that doesn't mean that I am a lost cause. At least I hope not. So please, don't give up on me, because try as I might, I can't give up my hope of turning things around with my beloved W.

NO ONE HERE is giving up on you. I doubt your wife is either. She may believe she must give up on the marriage, but she's still in your life. I am a little confused by your comment that she's really twisting the knife.

She sounded a bit concerned, brought you tissue and SHE cried too...so where is the knife? It is a crappy situation that hurts.

But I don't think there is a way to do this without a lot of pain. I think some make it WORSE but in your case I just see a woman who BELIVES she is done.

What am I missing?

you know, she has things to learn too. You cannot teach her those things (except that your changes are permanent and real)

but she has things to discover only life on her own will....I think you are releasing her to her task and that's all you can do...

kicking or screaming or graciously accepting that she wants out.

Thing is, just b/c a person says they feel a certain way, does NOT make it true.

And even when it is true, it does NOT make it permanent.

If you'd seen my journals from 6 years ago, you'd have seen me giving up.