Met someone

[grebjack]

You're right, I have a choice to decide to fight for my marriage or not. I am grateful for that freedom, and I have used it to fight for my marriage in every way I know how since December of 2007. I intend to continue until the divorce is final. But I expect that someday the divorce will be final.

It's not true that my husband's feelings and actions don't affect how I see things. I can choose whether to ACT out of hope, to "act as if," but I FEEL hopeless whether I want to or not. When I said, "it's not really up to me," what I meant is that my husband has said consistently for the past three years that he wants a divorce. If and when he decides to file, the court WILL grant him the divorce regardless of what I want.

So I'll look forward to and enjoy my husband's visit a week from now. I will continue to keep my vows. I will still read all the books and blogs about saving a marriage that have occupied me for the past half a decade, and if I find new strategies that might help me reconcile with my beautiful husband, I will try to live those strategies. I will avoid excessive contact with my attractive colleague, because I owe it to myself to keep my integrity, because I owe it to my husband for reasons I really don't understand, and because I owe it to my colleague not to lead him on. God forbid I should become that selfish affair partner who says, "just stay with me a little longer, I swear I'm going to divorce my spouse any day now."

Of course I don't want to be in limbo. I didn't like it at the beginning and it hasn't gotten any more fun over the years. What's changed is that before, I wanted to postpone the inevitable as long as possible, even if it really was inevitable. Now, if I'm going to get divorced, I would rather get it over with.

If only there were some way to know for sure how it will all play out.