Tonight a couple of things happened that I thought were kind of revealing about where stbx is in his journey.
Still way frozen, as Snodderly would say.
On the way home from school, he gave S14 (who has no sign even of fluff on his face) a shaving kit in an expensive leather bag. Didn't offer to show him how to use it though.
When he dropped D17 off at 4.30pm, she realised that she'd left her phone on the front seat. She ran into the driveway as he was pulling out and waved and shouted but he just seemed to ignore her (maybe he can't bear to look back at the house when he is in the process of driving away??).
Anyway, she ran back inside and got another phone to call him. Although he was only 1 minute away from our house, he said he was going to football training and so would bring it back to her afterwards. She was upset - a 17yo without her mobile phone for 1 hour!!!!
Of course, we waited and waited. By 8.30pm, she was beside herself and so she rang him again. He said he was too drunk to drive. Must have gone out with the 20yos in his team to the hotel that is their watering hole. D17 was astonished and very let down. She now has no phone for the whole evening (disaster, in her mind) and no phone for tomorrow at school (even worse as she needs to call me to arrange pick up and going out with friends, etc).
From my POV, this is a man who was never a drinker, never went out with 'mates' to pubs at night but preferred the company of his family, someone who would always have gone out of his way to take a forgotten object back to a child.
MLC is truly the maker of opposites.
But moreso, does it not occur to him that he keeps disappointing the kids... and yet it's me, according to him, who is turning them against him.
Just wonder, quietly, how much fun he is to be around. I know I'd LOVE to have a partner who went to footy training and then sat around with his mates getting drunk mid-week. How I'd wish I was still an undergrad too.
And then again, there's the money spent on these sorts of activities (I've seen the gut that remains even though he trains three times a week). This from a guy who can't afford to pay school fees or child support and who has debt collectors chasing him.
Sounds like life as the new him is still pretty much in turmoil. More evidence that what everyone says about MLC is true.
STBX had apparently agreed to drop off the phone this morning before school - at 7.45am. By 8am, when he had not shown up, D17 rang him. He did not answer.
By 8.15am when she had to leave, she tried again and he picked up.
Big fight ensued with him saying he would not bring her phone over. He said it was rich that someone like her who chose not to spend time with him would expect him to bring her phone back so soon. He said maybe he'd bring it back tonight. Then he hung up on her.
She feels it is the end of the world to be without her phone (and FB/internet access). More importantly, she can't ring me to tell me when and where to pick her up today.
Again, stbx seems to be using his bait and lash out strategy on the kids now. He seems keen to fight and to punish us for transgressing against him.
I am so sorry you have to deal with him, NLW. You don't deserve this and neither do your kids. He is so lost within himself he can't see how his actions affect others.
Hang in there. Pray. It works.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Thanks WH. It's now evening here and D17 has just gone out with friends. But she still doesn't have her phone and I am worried about how I'll know where she goes and what time she'll be home. Normally, she phones me with updates and to ask permission throughout the night.
She tried 3 times to ask stbx to let her have her phone when she got home from school this afternoon. Each time he hung up on her as soon as she got a little agitated - he was taunting her in the way that he used to with me. When he has something we want, he has POWER, and he likes to wield it.
It could be that my improvements in giving up resistance towards him (no more arguing, trying simply to validate his feelings) have left him without a target. So now he's transferring his rage and power struggling onto D17.
It's like 2 teenagers going at each other. But dangerous, too, when what is at stake is her phone - a safety/security device that lets me know where she is.
He is just being a bully and being spiteful like a 2 year old. Like my H, yours certainly knows how to win friends and influence people (insert huge eye roll here).
So does he pay for her phone? Does she? Do you? If you got her the phone or if she pays for it herself I would take serious issue with him not giving her the phone. If he pays for it I guess he is paying for something that isn't being used. He isn't really showing his daughter to be responsible, he is punishing her for forgetting her phone. She will not want to ride in the car with him at all ever again if this is how he treats her.
Of course I am preaching to the choir here. You know all this. I just wish I could help you more. He is ruining his relationship with his kids. That's his choice I guess, but it's pathetic none the less.
Try to hang in there, NLW. Keep praying.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
It's so much easier when I see them as crazy versus when they say we are crazy. That's why it's so important to keep our side of the street sparkling and clean.
Your h will one day face how he is alienating your kids.
Look into getting your kids into a support group. They will need guidance not only from you but other positive adult and young adult role models.
Be well
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
STBX does pay for D17's phone - it is literally the ONLY thing he pays for. He owns a phone company though, so no big deal there!
I'm trying to keep the perspective that he is just lashing out from fear - fear of losing his kids, fear of going broke, fear of his whole world crashing, fear of death...
Trying to convince D17 to sit still and wait for him to calm down before fuelling his rage any more. Not working on a 17yo who WANTS HER PHONE!
D17 went out with her friends last night to dinner.
The other girls have all just started to drive - D17 cannot get her permit because we don't have a car anymore and she is not insured to drive my elderly parents' car. One after the other, her friends have got their licenses as each turns 17, and D17 just has to watch it from the sidelines.
D17's friend was driving them all in her dad's work pick-up (the least expensive of their vehicles if she happens to crunch it).
But her Dad drove in front of her the whole way in his own car as she was afraid she'd get lost going somewhere new and having to concentrate on the road at the same time (it was her first 'big drive' on her own).
Made me want to cry to think that this is what other dad's do for their kids.
Oh well. Life can be tough - and better that my kids learn about it sooner rather than later I suppose.
Unfortunately, some kids don't have the luxury of having access to cars, regardless of peer pressure. It is a life lesson that she is being taught, even though she may not like it. Even though she may think her dad is withholding (even if he is).
He may THINK he's teaching her a lesson... when her lesson... her LIFE lesson... is likely much different than what HE thinks it is...
Is there any way you could "front" her a phone? Is she working? Could she get her own phone?
I echo Bklyn's advice about getting help for the kids. A counselor would help them deal with their emotions. The "stuff" they have or don't have does not really matter, but their spiritual/emotional health does matter a lot.
