Time for the Loop the Loop on this rollercoaster!

[SM34]

Sandi

The OM has two boys who are 8 and 5. Supposedly he is getting custody of one of them, not sure which one. Either way, it messes up my wife's fantasy.

Wife was going to leave our D3 with me in our marital home, and then OM was moving to our city. Then they could live in an apartment ALONE with no kids.

I'm not exactly sure if its possible that my wife is having a mid life crisis at only 31 years old, and I know it doesn't matter a whole lot as far as my approach to fixing this. But, it does seem that way! Because...

In her plan she divorces the family and leaves, not divorces me and take our daughter with her as most WAW would do. My coach thought that was more of a crisis type fantasy than a WAW.

She said on BD that she was confused and doesn't know if she wants to be married. Bot necessarily married to me, but just married in general. When I was snooping back in the day, she had told OM in a message that she NEVER wanted to be married again.

She has unresolved childhood issues. Her mom left her dad when she was 13, and then the story is that my wife CHOSE to live with her dad. But, I think she has abandonment issues.

Also, her dad was an angry man. He scared her to death! He is much calmer now and I like him a lot, but she still has not told him about what has happened. He lives only 10 miles away, and drives past our house every day on the way to and from work, but only comes to see his grand daughter perhaps 3 or 4 times a year!

Anyway, wife at the beginning had said her and OM would have a room in their fantasy apartment for D3 to come stay sometimes. Wife was telling people she loves OM. Now it seems there is no more apartment story, there is no room for D3, OM has not moved to our city (4 months now), has enrolled in a 4 year college, is getting custody of his son. She is now telling her friend that she doesn't think its a forever type of love.

OM is providing a lot of drama for her. My understanding is sometimes people have affairs so they can feel 'alive'. He is certainly making her feel alive. Compared to our low key stable life, he is taking her on a roller coaster!

They look through each others phones because they don't trust each other, he conveniently leaves his baby mother's freaky messages to him on his phone, but deletes the responses he sends her. So my wife finds a one way conversation. He apparently has several exs who seem to be providing a lot of drama.

Wife's friend is sad that wife is wrapped up with a loser like that. But I understand it is part of the thrill of this whole thing.

I need to come up with new goals. Thank you for the analysis of the ones I listed, I now understand those are not really goals the way DR would you have you set them up. So I'm going to re read the chapter on goal setting, and try to re write them.

On the subject of possible OM2, I had tortured myself over this idea the first time it was mentioned to me. I did a lot of research and reading on affairs and I understand why it is a threat. She is looking for emotional attachment and fulfilment, and if OM doesn't provide that, sometimes people will seek out multiple A's until they find it.

Back then I snooped and thought she was too friendly with a certain guy on facebook, but after I mentioned to her that one of his comments on a public picture of her was not appropriate, she deleted the comment. Later when I snooped again, I saw she had a conversation with him several times telling him that she thinks of him as a friend, and she has no interest in him (because he was pursuing him).

She even told him that husband (me) has enough on his hands with my OM without you commenting on my pics, so please stop.

Her friend says she asked wife whats going to happen when its over with OM, and told her because IT IS going to be over with him whether you think it will be or not (her friend is pro marriage and wants us to work it out). Apparently wife told her she is not sure, and she will have to see when the time comes. She didn't seem to argue that OM is forever, in fact she told her it is not a forever love (according to her friend who keeps calling me to tell me not to give up).

The affair will come to an end at some point. When, as you said, no one knows. What happens after, no one knows either.

On BD wife told me she felt like she needed 6 months off from marriage to figure out why she is not sure about her life. She said if I need to get out of this marriage, then its better now than later when D3 is older and gets hurt.

So the 6 months will be up soon, and so I have really been acting like I am fine either way. I sense her anxiety level has been increasing though, as I think she knows I will not wait forever for a decision.

There is something that is VERY IMPORTANT that I need some input from EVERYONE!

She told her friend that there is not enough PASSION in our marriage. She had told me I didn't pursue her sexually enough. Now, how do I show PASSION in our relationship, without being sexual?