The View from the Blanket III

[bustingout]

Thanks IO. :-) I agree about asking questions about the future. I make plans for me and the kids.

I have gotten myself to a place where I ask safe questions. Questions that I can handle the answer to. So most of my questions have very little to do with his personal life...or rather, his life outside of the kids and mine. I am realising that this then can come across as me not caring because I wont ask him details about his life in Dubai (like the car thing i wrote about previously), and when he is here in town and he comes over the next day after a night out I certainly don't ask about his night out...I know he is with OW. Thats enough for me.

We had another great family day today. :-) even met up with some of his relatives. Afterwards, we came home, had a picnic dinner in front of the TV with a family movie. Put the kids to bed. And then he left. Always that ending. I appreciate it for what it is right now. I realise this will not be the norm in the long term. Either I will meet someone new, or he will make a true commitment to the OW, or some other OW.

As for us reconciling? I am still standing while appreciating that he is not at that place right now. I am not stopping my life, or shutting the door on ANY possibilities. Life gives us what is meant to be. I need to continue learning and being the best me possible for that to happen. I spent too much time of my life bringing in negative energy. I want the rest of my life to be spent in the light, sending out positive energy and love and welcoming what it may bring. It surprises me at times when I remember how angry I used to be.

Today, part of our day was watching our son in a horse jumping competition (so cool!). After S8 finished we hung around a bit and watched others compete and then started contemplating if we should leave before it all finished. I wanted to leave and H was unsure. I I started getting agitated then stopped myself and thought what would that old me have done and what will the new me do? The old me would have pestered H...come on, lets just go..blah blah...pester and nag.

I took a moment, whats the big deal if we stay a little longer? Enjoy the moment NOW. Didnt say anything more to H, let him take the lead. And I enjoyed and he eventually said shall we go and we did and continued to enjoy the afternoon.

It felt good that I didnt turn it into a negative nagging thing.

Sometimes I dont know if I am in denial. I see people I havent seen in months and they speak to me in that 'are you ok' voice and I respond yes I am! Because I really am! I feel like H and I have a separate relationship when it comes to the kids that keeps us in contact, but is so private no one can see it. I dont think it means we are reconciling, I just recognise it for what it is. I wont let myself, my ego, get in the way of the kids. I guess he doesnt FB his family time, so people only see his other life.

So when H left tonight, 'bye see you tomorrow'...i said ok bye. I realise I dont look at him when he leaves. It still hurts. Although I welcome the quiet time after the kids are in bed and he leaves. I have learned to enjoy it. Its not completely what I want (would be nice to just lay in bed together with a movie after a great day like this).

I texted H later to say thank you for the day it was fun.

Feeling good, sad I am not with H, accept where I am right now and what it is. I almost feel like I don't feel. I just am. I am used to being alone, I wonder how I would share my space again with someone. I want to. But HOW will I? I dont think I am ready yet.