I was thinking about what you said about this time, rH, its hard to wait/watch for who they are at this time...it is nerve-wracking for me sometimes...when she goes within:
-is it the depression? -is it guilt or stuff like that? -is she processing stuff? -is all this too much for her and she wants to run again? -is she wavering to the "other life"? -did a cyber OM come back sniffing around? -did she meet up with PA OM again? -etc, etc
This morning she is still withdrawn and before I left to keep me busy and out of my own way, I asked her this time (haven't in a long time) if I was doing, or not doing anything, if I was doing right by her...she said no, that it was her....ugh, or "okay"? Just don't know what to make of it....
It's like the other discussions here recently about when the mlc'er is being nice to the lbs and you just don't know what is going on, if you can trust it...but different feel and trust level at this stage they are in, if I am making any sense here...lol.
Okay, journal mental meanderings done.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I really wish she wouldn't put so much on the looks thing, I don't...I care more about her being happy and glowing from within and me being important to her.
I thought about this a bunch last night. Before MLC H said he would rather have plump and cheerful and happy then thin and grumpy.....although his preference has always been long and lean women. But since MLC he has focused much more on appearances....his and everybody else's.
But maybe for your W it's the same as for my H. Looks are so important right now b/c they aren't comfortable with who they are inside.
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
I think they at some point get that there is stuff unsaid with us LBS, that we've been holding in, and can, in bits and pieces, allow and forgive us as well.
I've definitely noticed this ^^^^^as well.
I see H giving me more "grace periods" as it were with my frustrations. Last week when he was stumped as to finding any possible activity he might want to do with me (and me remembering in MLC his declaration that we had NO common interests) I erupted with, "I've even wondered why you married me, since you don't enjoy spending time with me.".
Not getting us closer to our goals, perhaps, but we are farther down the road and H responded with "just be patient, rH, I'm getting there and working on some things we can do together."
I think at this point, they are reconnecting and developing some empathy for us. We just can't rely on it too often.
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
This morning she is still withdrawn and before I left to keep me busy and out of my own way, I asked her this time (haven't in a long time) if I was doing, or not doing anything, if I was doing right by her...she said no, that it was her....ugh, or "okay"? Just don't know what to make of it...
I think it's good you said this ^^^^^.
After all, we are working toward more open communication with our spouses at this point. Maybe since she knows you are questioning her (and lots of internal questions...I also have those even if my questions are different) and wanting openness. Then...if you step back, she will come to you when ready.
T^2, I've always felt it was harder in some ways when the spouse leaves b/c it feels like a body part was cut off. Whereas, you with stay-at-home MLCers have the bodies around at home but the heart is gone. Then you have to be on good behavior all the time.
But now....in reconciliation, I definitely am enjoying the position of living separately. I feel H's heart has come back mostly. Dating is quite fun, too. But there is an "end" to my agony of living apart when he comes back....and IC said I can console myself somewhat with that.
You, OTOH, don't have a timeline end. It's just on and on at home with W and knowing she can do replay activities on the computer or other ways when you're not around. THAT would drive me crazy, I think, but I guess you learn to deal with it.
IC said to expect H might continue some replay activities occasionally until he settles down for good . So I'm guessing since you and I are close to the same place it might be the same for W. H is gone for today with drinking buddies, including tonight. I made a dinner appointment with a GF I haven't seen since last summer so we can catch up so I wasn't sitting at home feeling sorry for myself!
I am consoling myself too that last April, a year ago, H attended an explicit art show for ages 21 and up only. He wore black fingernail polish and black lipstick as well as a temporary hair dye rinse and plastic/silver chains around his neck with a huge cross and fake hoop earrings. And posted that on FB, for all friends and relatives (including my parents) to see. Along with his skin tight clothing.
MWD said to look back to see how far we've come. Indeed.
Thinking of you today, T^2, I don't think she will be quiet too long, Post more, As needed, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Thank you rH...your words mean a lot, and sending happy R vibes to you and H...
Not much to update this week...
Some of W's withdrawal was due to the unpredictable (now) hormone flux and flow, some was because she got sick (again) and some I am pretty sure was processing her path the last few years. The avoiding eye contact leads me to speculate that...I don't really know, she hasn't told me anything, so not putting much energy into that speculation, no point, and besides, I have discovered that I am more of an optimist than I ever thought before, so rolling with the postiive spin I choose...
For me, still busy as heck with work and all, but I have managed to drop to 14.5-15% bf from 17% in a short amount of time...that is one of the many good things that have come from my LBS journey...I know what works with my body efficiently now to get to where I want to be. I also now now that at my age, no more taking a couple months off...it just comes back too quickly and easily.
Other than that, garden, kids, pets, taxes and just life...it is good, just wish I had W fully back for that finishing touch addition to it. April/May seems to be a cyclical change time for her, last year this is when she apologized and warmed up to me and the idea of "us", the year before it was the re-beginning of entering the tunnel for phase 2 of mlc and starting to detach from the M, the year before that was the beginning of the end of phase 1 and OM then, the year before that was the beginning of Phase 1/lite mlc replay and initial contact with high school flame (OM #1) via the evil fb/mylife websites, the year before that, her father started cancer treatments...lol...I guess I just proved the utility of journelling...
Hoping for a better change this year, initial signs seem good.
Expectations still very close to or at zero, though...I do try to learn from my mistakes.
I hope everyone has a great weekend!! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
and the sickness and all hasn't been bad for our interactions, just treating her as I would my best friend, going about my life and keeping my mouth shut...lol..., and last night she did make eye contact and flash me a real smile out of the blue, so gratitude for that moment...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
W emailed me a bunch of stuff to print out. I sometimes wonder when she does this if it if non-verbal communication, an indirect way of letting me know where she is at. Seems she does this when she has "gone inside".
Glancing over the info...I just feel so badly for her, if these are indications of what she is feeling and thinking...man...so glad I am not her...and I don't see it the way she does.
I just want to tell her that she isn't all those things, that I see her so differently, so much more positively, despite of the last couple/few years and all that has transpired.
But I don't. I know better now. She has to work through this herself.
I can still dream of the possible day when I can, though.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
W emailed me a bunch of stuff to print out. I sometimes wonder when she does this if it if non-verbal communication, an indirect way of letting me know where she is at. Seems she does this when she has "gone inside".
Glancing over the info...I just feel so badly for her, if these are indications of what she is feeling and thinking...man...so glad I am not her...and I don't see it the way she does.
I just want to tell her that she isn't all those things, that I see her so differently, so much more positively, despite of the last couple/few years and all that has transpired.
But I don't. I know better now. She has to work through this herself.
I can still dream of the possible day when I can, though.
Hi T, sorry to hear W is still struggling. Does she accept any compliments or WOA from you? Has she ever seen an IC?
Yes, we can still dream of the day. I too am pulling for you guys.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
UW--Just, thank you SO much for those words...made my weekend...
FY--She was seeing an IC back before BD for a lot of these issues. The IC taught her EFT, and she has been using that on her own and via coaches for a year or so now when she started getting bits of clarity, seems to be working, though W does hang onto things and feelings pretty stubbornly, so it's a battle for her...and it IS her battle.
I use WOA and compliments very judiciously right now...I feel she needs (due to upbringing) non-judgemental validation and acceptance of her, her feelings and struggles more right now...though I do sneak them in when I feel the timing is right and there is an opening in her thoughts for them...
in other news...W was engaging me this morning, eye contact, even thanked me for taking out the garbage (!!???, this is new)...I a pretty sure AOS is a main LL for her, can't wait to to do the tests together some day to verify...lol.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
It's 90 days today since claimed last contact with PA "man friend", 71 since end of "significant" online EA friend (I do wonder sometimes if they weren't one and the same, but that isn't important, I will find out someday I am sure).
I keep track so that when I feel anxious/impatient, I have that reality check against how long it takes for recovery from OP (6 months or so usually from what I've read)...keeps me based in reality and on my chosen MO/path...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Other than that, garden, kids, pets, taxes and just life...it is good, just wish I had W fully back for that finishing touch addition to it.
And this:
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
In other news, it's now official. I'm in limerence... with me! Yep, and we all know these things only last (on average) for about 2 years, so hopefully W signs back up to the M before then.
Seriously, I do believe being content/happy with ourselves and our life is key to dealing with the rejection of our MLC'er. Do what you need to do to make this happen y'all!
Made a big impression on me. I've been thinking more about myself, more about who I am and it makes a better balance.
Thanks guys!
T^2, I look forward to all your posts, on all the threads. You definitely have a gift for analyzing, condensing, and encouraging. I really appreciate it.
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
in other news...W was engaging me this morning, eye contact, even thanked me for taking out the garbage (!!???, this is new)...I a pretty sure AOS is a main LL for her, can't wait to to do the tests together some day to verify.
Eye contact....such a simple thing.....can be so special, especially after it was purposely taken away. This is encouraging.
And yes, I can't wait till you can do the LL tests!! ...............
I think you keeping track of the days since PA or EA is like me keeping track of the days till H moves back in. It gives some definitive shape to our limbo. Which is nice.
We just have to keep growing, learning, and loving rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
