So I am new here. lots of good advice being given and that is why I joined. i need some help and am willing to pay it forward and participate as well.
Quick rundown
Wife and I have been together for 10 yrs. We found eachother in a very odd way, would have never thought. We were both previously married, had problems with those marriages (hers was an abusive young alcoholic, mine ended up in a mental hospital and diagnosed with bui polar and many other conditions). We both had 1 child from these marriages, so when we got together we had and instant 2 kid family .
Her ex husband was cheating on her with my ex wife. Neither one of us knew that before . We knew they were cheating but not with who. anyway, a mutual friend told me I had to call her for info, I refused cause I didnt want to drudge through all of that. Anyway, she ended up calling me, we spoke many times on the phone for a couple of months, One day she asked if she could meet me, I agreed and we havent been apart since....Weird huh.
Obviously this brings many challenges to the relationship. The quick and dirty of the next 9 yrs to date was we had two more children for a total of 4, both went through the divorces, i ended up adopting her son. I have 50% customdy of my first daughter and my wife has been a great mother to her. We were dead broke because of the divorces, I lost everything on a 4 year battle over daughter.She stayed at home because it didnt pencil out financially and I wanted the mother of my kids to be home with them. I left my fathers successful business that I had planned on taking over since I was a little kid, tried something different, it didnt work out (kinda a bad experience there but...) then found a great career that has treated us very well over the last 5 yrs.
With all of that being young, stressed, parents of a larger family, ex wife to deal with (unpleasant) we obviously missed alot of relashionship things over the years. This leads me to tell you where i messed up.
Wife and i have had a rocky sex life for the last year. Lots of rejection from her, lots of attempts to figure out what is up from me. She doesant communicate very well and I dont pick up on the subtle thngs very well either. Because of this I was mad at her, sometimes when we fought, i would threaten to leave or brring up divorce because i couldnt see any hope of anything changing. it seemed to me that my options were deal with it or leave.
Well I got a text for a woman that I knew on a proffessional level. she wanted a job reference and I said ok. i didnt tell my wife because she has a history of being EXTREMELY jealouse of women. And i get that given her previous marriage and upbringing. I thought nothing of it and chacked back with the other woman 2 weeks later to see if she got the job, she said she did, she thanked me and then...asked when she would see me again. i saw her on a rare basis on a proffessional level. In a business, never ouside of that. I have ZERO feelings towards this woman. She is nice to talk to but that is it.
My response is what got me in trouble. I responded Dinner? She replied yeah let me know when you come into town, I dint respond and she didnt text me back either. That was the end of that conversation. I didnt erase the text. My wife found it and came unglued... I dont blame her on one hand but on another I didnt have bad intentions. This woman is taken I am taken, i am not a cheater. But she blew her lid. My bad for sure.
So she throws me out. i leave for a week, stayed at my parents, left her alone. On the advice from my dad, he said go home, its your house too, you need to see your kids, hopefully she will talk this out and you to can get on the right track. so i did. She was cold of course, She calls what I did cheating. Although i disagree, i can see it from her point of view. I have admitted to her that what I did was wrong and I respect her perspective, she says she is not sure what she wants (together or divorce) but I see too many signs of commitment. We have done quite a few things over the last 3 weeks together and had a great time, i didnt fall into some old traps of not really paying attention to her and being reactive when she is mad and yelling. i feel like I am on the right path but........
She still wont put her wedding ring back on, she wont let me sleep in bed with her. Of course she does not kiss me, but she hugs me back. She seems to have a little wild streak going on, going to the bars with her twin sister (who isnt happily married) Its driving me crazy!!! I have asked on occassion when can we get the healing started, she says she doesnt know......... I feel like a yo yo. personally, i think she is making sure I am punished. And i can live with that to an extent, but not forever, and not for a really long time (whatever that is). Any ideas on what a reasonable time line is?
Besides this situation, we have alot of work to do on our marriage. i wouldnt call it basket case or anything but troubled for sure. Personally i think this happend to draw our focus back onto our relationship but I guess that is neither here nor there. And kinda funny how our kids are at a good age to not have to be with them all the time, financially we can do things so in my mind, ths is a natural turn for us.
Im ordering the book but if anyone has any suggestions or questions, fire.... I need all the help i can get and am open to many thoughts/ideas. Thanks for taking the time to read. Sorry for the bad spelling capitals...Im trying to pound this out at work when I have a few min....Driving me crazy.
A few, quick observations. I am guessing you live in a fairly small community as you and your current W ended up getting together and then finding out that your ex and her ex were cheating on the two of you.
That said, I appreciate that your indicate you had no interest in this woman you know professionally. And certainly, it is understandable that your W has jealousy issues.
One thing is to separate the wheat from the chaff here, so to speak.
Your W's issues are her issues. You can not fix them, only she can, although they are not for you to use as a buffer to your contribution to this. Even beyond this "trigger".
It may take your W a very long time to "get over" something that you think is completely benign.
Slow and steady will win this race. How do you plan on being open and transparent with your W, as you work on helping her trust you, again?
OK, that post may not make sense to the casual observer, I suspect you understand what I mean, Mylifex6.
Just to clarify, you indicated that you and your W knew your ex's were cheating on you, although it was after the two of you got together that you found out the ex's were with each other...
There are some things that you mention that I wonder about. Some of the things that have gone on in your life, prior to your first D, and leading up to the current M and problems... while I know you indicate that your ex has been diagnosed bi-polar... that certainly is not a reason for you to end up with your current W, the circumstances surrounding that, you leaving a family business you intended to take over, then on to your own business, and most recently on to this current career. I am guessing this is how you know this woman "professionally", that your W is jealous of and thinks you are having an A with.
I just thought some of what you wrote was quite... interesting...
Yeah, sorry my writtings messed up. Im obviously a little emotional and very short on time....
Our ex's were cheating on us together, my wife and I did not know eachother. A mutual friend that knew my W told me that I should call my W to find out about the cheating. after talking for a couple of months on the phone, she asks to meet, I agree, she shows up (beautiful) we talk till 3am, she goes home and we kept at it ever since....
Yeah....Everytime I have to explain it I realize how complicated it sounds.
Prior to first D.. I was young, married at 22, she was 20. We were married 2yrs, had a child, she didnt recover... she became very depressed, manic, poor suicide attempts for atention, stayed at the mental hospital... Rough for a young guy and a new baby and a key emplyee at the biz. Found out she was cheating, told her to leave, she left me and the baby, in and out of the hospital, she tried to come home but continued cheating and spending all our money...her parents paid for a lawyer, took her back home, left me with the baby (thank god)and started the big d and it was a nasty one.
I only know this woman because she was the secretary and took care of all our customers, and she did a good job, she was alway cherrful, upbeat, nice and polite. I talked to her often just beause she answers the phone but it was ALWAYS quick chatter and thats it.
I dont know how to get my wife to even start the process of healing.... To me 4 weeks is a long time.... Im being patient, Its a good challenge for me but....frustrating...
Professionally.. the only reason I mention it is because it was very hard to leave.. One of the biggest decisions Ive made... tried something completely new to.me.. again stress,attention taken that I couldn't give to someone else (wife..kids)...scrambled to survive while tryin t find a new career..found one and had to work hard to climb the Corp ladder and am now in management making a good living....al Good things but stressfull and it takes time and attention to do it. She hasn't come right out and said it but while she was home taking care of 4 little kids.she didn't get the attention she deserved from me but look where we came from and where we are now.....incredible in my opinion. Now I have the time to give and this happens....
Thanks for helping us get a better understanding of the back story.
Others will be along to add their support.
Again, what are you doing to ensure you are open and transparent to your W. Even if you feel there was nothing wrong, she does. That doesn't make either of you right or wrong, just what it is.
Is there anything that your W is asking you for at this time? Any complaints now, or in the past? The key here is, become a better man and one that only a fool would leave. This is for you, and if it can help save the M, that's the bonus.
Keep posting, even if it is just to journal and vent and ask questions.
I cant think of much that I can do that I am not already. I don't have a gavebok account. Dont have a personaln email. Don't have a personal cell....I use my work email and cell phone....No locks...don't hide it...I tell her she can look at anything at anytime....I'm a family man...I leave work and come home. Sometimes I have to leave out of town for 3 days but I make myself available at all times.
Now that I read this I am sure the impression is that she sounds psycho...shes not. A lot of the above is by choice. I work on a computer most of the day...talk to my team via cell.email I'm..After work I want to disconnect. I don't have enough time to get stuff done let alone cheat and have another woman...IMPOSSIBLE!
She does have a lot of insecurities and I can see she is trying to not be "psycho". But her prior relationship. Her mom and dads relationship (cheating. Divorce) her sisters relationships (same).makes her very sensitive to this stuff. I know I "punched" her right where it hurts most....but I truley didn't mean to.
Only thing she is saying at this point is "I feel like your pressuring me for an answer" when I ask about working on our marriage and starting to heal. Ive been cautious about this....I bring it up once a week... I reply...l I'm gonna ask from time to time cause you haven't given me any better idea of when to check. She has a hard time communicating in words so I don't necessarily think she will bring it up.
Honestly... I feel I am a good man. I am a good provider. Good looking and go to he gym to stay healthy and fit. I don't go out and hang at bars....I have sacrificed my needs for my families...I am a good dad and love being with my family...Trust me I'm not without faults. I'm driven and focused..to a fault...I have a hard time balancing responsibilities and my families needs...let alone mine. I am under a lot of stress so sometimes I am short..I have high expectations... So yeah I'm not easy to deal with either. But I didn't give up on her when we were having a hard time with intimacy or her first attitude or.....we've had our share..that's part of being married right? Overcomming these are what brings us closer right?
Like I said before. I don't know how to get this started. I hues that's what makes it so hard is hat it seems to be all in her hands...maybe she likes the control for now?
I think I have a pretty good handle on the things I can do better in the relationship and I think I know how to achieve those. It easy, such as being a better listener, being more supportive instead of a fix it man, making more time for just her and I, finally take my wife on the honeymoon of her dreams because we FINALLY have the money for it. Im good at moving the big rocks, not the little ones. Well I am going to get good at it now.
My problem is how do I deal with this situation?? 4 weeks of punishment so far...I fell like I am on the edge of saying enough is enough, lets move on but I am sure nobody will support that, maybe not now anyway. Im in a similar situation as many people on here, She is detatched, she is focusing on her, she isnt prioritizing us, no emotion or love, isnt wearing her ring, we have good conversations and Ive been able to demonstrate that I am working on some of the things listed above. She still talks about us and the kids in the future tense, I am tring to give what I get, staying positive, not letting her see how bad this hurts me, not begging or pleading....Trying my best to give her space so I am not "pushing her for a decision". This is very hard for me to go through, painful to say the least.
My other concern is that while I know I can do better, I dont know that she knows that she can do better. I have told her in the past that our intimacy issues need to be fixed. She can learn to communicate better, she can be a more in tune w/my needs. I have tried to calmly talk about my needs and she clams up. I dont know if its because she doesnt care, it is the way it is and thats it, maybe she doesnt know how, maybe she doesnt want to cause I brought it up????? SO CONFUSING!!!!
How do I go about inducing change in our relationship? Can I do that? Am I expecting to much?
I'm tired of being on the couch. My back hurts. I miss sleeping with my wife. I want to wrap her in my arms and tell her I love her. I want to kiss her when I come home from work.......This stinks. The kids haven't said anything yet but I am sure they will ask why I am on the couch so much. They will ask why mom isn't wearing her ring....I wish we could start to take steps forward.....
Well yesterday went ok. I personally did well. Wife wanted me to linger in the bedroom and just hang around... I changed my clothes from work to play (so I can hang w/kids). She would ask me a few things with large gaps in talk, I went about myu buisiness, being polite, answering her questions, she is learning how to make these fancy cupcakes, She showed me pics, I made nothing but positive comments (because they are good and they look great). Didnt go overboard by any means but not criticism either. I got in, particvipated, got out, played with the kids for an hour or so outside, came back in, wife came and sat on the couch too, on the other end, but none the less she was there, she initiated small talk, I participated. No R talk, Kept myself upbeat.
We talked about what we were going to do for my oldest daughters bday this weekend, she is making cupcakes (of course!) I brought up a few suggestions for a gift and activities for her and her friends.... Wife brought up things about things about the kids in the future tense.... Something to the effect that the girls were going to cost US alot of money....because of the things they want etc...
Honestly I think we will be ok in the long run. That seems to be my challenge is that its a long run. Im a driven results kind of guy. I flew through the ranks at work because of this. Having to wait is my weakness. But how long is long enough? Is there compromise here or do I just roll with how she processes this and leave her alone?
