lol, thank you KD...I sometimes don't feel so good at it inside...
CB, one thing here...
7. I have subsribed to Mort Fertel's marriage max daily feed and as a result have: a. Got her a nice card for Easter. b. Put a card in her car last week telling her I loved her.
I did EXACTLY the same thing Aug 2011 after online activities were discovered, and I bought the whole program, when I implemented some of the techniques, it backfired and annoyed the living crap out of W...pushed her away (see the 37 rules above)...the Fertel program is not appropriate, imo, at this point...even his program says to back off sometimes if appropriate...I think the Fertel method is best for if/when a reconciliation happens or she comes out of her tunnel...until then it's sitting in a drawer in my work office...lol.
Your mileage may vary, of course... Hang in there... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Would you believe her if she told you that she really had no emotional attachment to this guy and wasn't planning on meeting him and possibly having a PA?
Great question! Yes, I think I would believe her. And honestly, I think I would still continue forward with the counseling, but it might be a deal breaker so I guess my thought is that before she goes to Milwaukee is the critical time? Might be too late after that?
Of course the first thing I tell everyone is to beleive NOTHING that they SAY and 1/2 of what they do.
Part of the reason that I linked your SSM threads is that I was wondering if they relate into the problems that you are having now.
Would you believe her if she told you that she really had no emotional attachment to this guy and wasn't planning on meeting him and possibly having a PA?
Great question! Yes, I think I would believe her. And honestly, I think I would still continue forward with the counseling, but [sic] it might be a deal breaker so I guess my thought is that before she goes to Milwaukee is the critical time? Might be too late after that?
I hear you...
So, here's the deal... I had a lot of "might" concerns in my head. Truth is... they were not "might" concerns... they were clear and solid boundaries... even if unwarranted... and in my mind, what my W was doing was wrong... I have a huge, moral struggle around accepting my W back, after an A. I believe M is worth trying to save, for the sake of the kids, yet I do not want to teach kids that it is OK to have intimate, exclusive R with someone other than a spouse.
I knew the consequences, I made my choice and my bed, and I am now lying in it. Not an easy choice, to be sure.
Your statements of "might"... I would recommend very strongly, to become very CLEAR about this. Is it... or is it not...
If it is "might"... then deal with that when it is time to deal with it. Rather than trying to circumvent something that may or may not happen... you could very likely just push her away... and into the arms of the PA...
Adding to what KD said, Snodderly has told me time and time again...if there is doubt, do nothing, sit quietly, wait...the answer will come...In my sitch, I decided early on that a PA would not necessarily be a deal breaker, so I never confronted her (she knew I knew about the online stuff) when I saw questionable evidences...I guess God or whoever knew better than my ego and somehow helped me not accuse without positive evidence, to put it out of my mind that she might be, give me a warm blanket of plausible self-denial, lol, whatever...I never accused or brought it up, eventually all was revealed, I had nothing to do with it, she can't put any blame on me for anything there...it is all hers. This is huge in my sitch for keeping her moving towards reconciliation after blaming me everything wrong in the universe a year ago or so....
Two different boundaries, two different takes between KD and myself...your journey will be unique to you, as your W's will be for her...though there is lots of commonalities, as you will discover by reading a lot here, and elsewhere...this stuff appears to be scripted and beamed into their heads from the mothership orbiting the dark side of the moon...
Sorry if not too clear, quick post and gotta run... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Think long and carefully on this possible EA/PA thing.
In my sitch, IF I had confronted W back when I first saw "physical evidence", with where SHE WAS AT (angry, venom-spewing alien mode, blaming me for EVERYthing evil and wrong in her life and the universe), at that time...I would NOT be looking at my current slow reconnecting, a possible reconciliation...
If I had let my ego rule, when she told me the truth a couple months ago, and acted all mad, hurt, blaming, etc...instead of how i DID actually handle it...forgiveness, logic, rational, calm...I would NOT be looking at my current slow reconnecting, a possible reconciliation...
She'd be gone...
Here is what Snodderly posted to me (and she is very wise):
Quote:
Had you reacted any differently than what you have thus far, she would have been convinced that the marriage was over. T, the time for healing has begun. The ugly truth has been revealed and now you and your wife must find a way to heal the "rift" that her mlc addition has created.
I know her actions have sent you into a tailspin, but you can't judge her as that is not your role in life. Your role in life is to foregive her and show her unconditional love. We are all human and we are all prone to make mistakes. Your wife will learn from her mistakes and come to see that you and your relationship are the most precious gems in her tiara. The guilt of what she's done will continue to eat at her and that is enough punishment for her to deal with at this time.
Her affair was not about you, it was about something that was missing within her. So, do yourself a favor and rein in your ego. If it had been about you, your wife would have been long gone and trust me, she knows that she has a good man as her husband.
As time moves along, she will share more with you, but you will need to stay calm and listen to what she has to share with you. This a very important time in her recovery and you are her rock. If you truly love this woman, do not shake the foundation at this time. She needs to continue to feel safe in order to reveal the rest of her crisis story to you. Dig deeper for patience and ask God to give you the strength to listen and be there for her.
CB, this is critical that you be VERY clear and certain, in your mind and heart, before stepping in any direction, taking any action...ask yourself, WILL THIS GET ME TO MY GOAL?....imo.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Adding to what KD said, Snodderly has told me time and time again...if there is doubt, do nothing, sit quietly, wait...the answer will come...In my sitch, I decided early on that a PA would not necessarily be a deal breaker
Yes ^^^^^^
And tbh, I played the wait game for a long time... and every time something new came along, some new evidence or proof of A or deception / lies... I said to myself, "well... maybe this is not a deal breaker, I will wait..."
So, am I simply putting a concept together as a rationality that the A is a deal breaker for me, and I am moving on? Because if that's the case, I have not proved that with action, as I have not filed D...
Am I simply trying to be "right" and teach my W a lesson...?
Or...
Am I just denying the reality that...
My W simply does not want to be with me, and it hurts, so I hide behind a veil of me making a choice of an A being a deal breaker...
because, in the end... 3 years later... she still chooses not to re-engage the M... even though she herself, will not file D...
You can inquire, but she most likely may not tell you the truth. Sometimes it is best to sit quietly and the answers will fall into your lap when you least expect it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you everyone. We have two MC sessions before her trip to Milwaukee, and my decision is, unless she brings something up that would cause me to question her, I am going to leave it alone and see where our two sessions take us. I know the first sessions in Gottmann's method include some scratching off the scabs (before the positive, moving forward stuff) so it could come up them. She could bring it up for all I know.
I also have thought more about it and it is entirely possible that it is just a fantasy on her end, as this guy is such an outrageous fit. If so, that will also likely come out in therapy.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
I also agree strongly with the advice to back off. I sent my wife this email this morning:
Good morning honey, hope your Friday is off to a great start!
I sent my dad a card and it made me think that when you told me you sent one to m(my sister in law), I forgot to thank you for doing that. You have always been so great about remembering everyone’s special days and I haven’t thanked you enough!
