NILWY - There is this "chemistry" b/w us

[Kim65]

I have been reading the forums for the past 10 weeks and I finally have the courage to ask for help and advice.

My partner and I have been together for over 8yrs. Our R has always been “easy”. We have never had any huge arguments or fights, the odd disagreement maybe but that is only normal in any R. Have laughed a lot, both at each other and with each other. I have always trusted H and he has M. We are both good souls and everyone has always said how great we are together. H is well like be everyone that he meets…. He is both my love and my best friend.

On the 10th of Jan this year I came home for lunch and noticed that he was upset. I asked him to tell me what was wrong. H then told me that he had been having a PA for the past month and that he cared deeply for me, but didn’t love me any more. H said it’s noting that I had done, it’s him, he’s changed?? I of course was shocked, upset and furious . Did the no no’s, like how could you do this to us, I love you so much, called the OW all the names under the sun ect ect….. I had no idea, but had felt that he had been distant and not quite his normal self over that time.

The OW is known to me, she has been in our home, we have been out socially together. H and OW work at the same school although in different areas. I have always felt a little uncomfortable about their friendship. I would get a vibe from OW that she wanted more just by the way she spoke to him, her actions ect and if I was to be honest I would say that H knew. She has been unhappy in her marriage for a number of yrs. I now realise that they have been having an EA maybe since May/June last year. I had questioned H about OW and he said “don’t be silly, she is just a good friend, nothing would ever happen between them…. I remember H saying one day that “OW is a great person but she is such a ditz sometimes”..

I left for a couple of days and said he needed to think about which path he wanted to take. On my return H said that he wanted to be on his own, didn’t want to be with any one, felt pulled both ways. Didn’t want me to leave, loves having me around, said for me to stay as long as I wanted and of course I wanted to stay but had said to H there was no way I could stay if I started seeing OW again.

Over the past couple of months I have followed the DB way the best that I could. I haven’t put any pressure on H, have been the best M that I could be. Not mentioned our R or his with OW. I’ll admit that I have had a couple of meltdowns earlier on where he’s seen me upset. During one of those times H said that he wished it had never happened, it all happened so quick and that often he wished he could be swallowed up by a black hole. And no he wasn’t seeing OW.

We have been getting along really well, just trying to be our normal selves. We have been sleeping in separate rooms and no PT apart from the odd hug here and there when either of us has been upset. I hadn’t noticed any changes in his “normal” routine except that he seemed to be taking a little longer to finish at the gym.

The 25th of March H says he can’t lie to me any more, that he has continued to see OW and that he loves her. H said that we both need to move on. He will sell the house and give me half. Rent somewhere on his own or maybe with OW. I asked him to please be honest with me, what is it that I have done, what is it that she has that I don’t?? Is it emotional or physical?? H said it’s nothing that you have done, you are a beautiful person I don’t want to hurt you any more….. there is just this “chemistry” between us…(H & OW)

I truly unsure of what is going on with him…. I told H that I can’t stay here while he is seeing OW. H still says you don’t have to leave, you can stay as long as you want. H still wants to go on our holiday that we had organised and paid for last October, 2012. I said to him what if OW doesn’t want you to go, H said I don’t care I’m going on this holiday with you. The only way I won’t be going is if I’m dead.

H has not spoken about this to any of our friends, who were his friends first, or his family. If anyone rings and had asked how we are he says “yeah we’re good, not doing much”…. I have kept quiet so as not to rock the boat.

I am now looking for a unit to move into. H today left today to “get away” for a week.. and of course OW has gone with him.

Some days are a struggle and my heart truly aches, but I’m trying to stay strong for myself…… What probably hurts the most is that he just gave up on us and hasn’t given us a second chance …… It would be sooo much easier is I hated him, but I don’t …….. I still have a little hope in my heart.

[~ kd ~]

^

[Kim65]

It's my second night at home on my own, I'm doing ok. Just trying not to think about H and OW and what their doing. I will admit that I'm not expecting to hear from him because that will make him feel guilty. That doesn't stop me from checking my phone to see if he has called or sent me a message.

I viewed a 2 bedroom unit today, which H knew about, I hope to move into by the end of the month if they accept my application. I've brought packing box's and plan to make a start this evening, hoping that when H gets home on the weekend he may start thinking about life without me around. This is going to be the hardest thing that I have had to do in many years....

Over the rest of the week I plan to keep myself busy, visit some friends and GAL. When I move out I plan to "go dark". From what I've read this is what I should do?? I know that I need to make him think that I'm moving on, be his friend but with a sense of distance??

I still think that this is all a bad dream and that I'm going to wake up and things will be "normal" again..

I have the DB book but I'm waiting for DR. I think I may get a little more out of it..

Looking forward to reading any words of wisdom...

[Kim65]

Today I've spent packing up some of my things and shopping for new bits and pieces for when I move out into a unit. If nothing else it's kept mind occupied and have felt like I've done something for me. I also feel as though it's helping me move forward as much as it hurts to do so. It may even send a message to H that this is the case when he comes home. 'as if' I suppose is the way I want him to see M now.

I still drive myself insane trying to think "what was is that caused this" even though H has told me that it's nothing that I've done....

I'll have to admit that over the last few years I've been very busy with work. I'm a nurse and was working 3 and a half days a week as well as that I'm a remedial massage therapist and had been working 3 evenings a week from home. Not only that during the AFL football season I was the head trainer, taping the players, caring for them if they got injured ect, for a footy club for 6 years. That took up 7 months of the year with training night x1 per week and 10 to 12 hrs on game days. H was involved as well with the footy, we'd work together and was a common interest that we had and enjoyed together. Towards the end of last season I think we both had had enough. As a result I know our sex life suffered as I was often just to tired and not in the mood!!

H has said several times that all of this has had nothing to do with our sitch. I wonder though.... I'm sure that the attention that I know that she must of been giving him has had to play a part??

I have completely done a 180 on all of this and now only work at the clinic, now 4 days instead of the 3 and a half. I realize now how thin I had spread myself..... but it seems to be all to late??

[AnotherStander]

My partner and I have been together for over 8yrs. Our R has always been “easy”. We have never had any huge arguments or fights, the odd disagreement maybe but that is only normal in any R.

There's a book that gets referred to around here sometimes (sorry but I can't remember the name), I haven't read it but it offers the premise that "easy" relationships that never have arguments are doomed. All I can say is that my M was much like yours, we also rarely argued, we trusted each other, and everything seemed to be going really smoothly right up until BD.

He is both my love and my best friend.

I felt the same way about my W. All these months later I can now see how tremendously codependent I was on her. It was bad for me, and it was bad for her. There's a book called "Codependent No More" that addresses this in detail.

Over the past couple of months I have followed the DB way the best that I could. I haven’t put any pressure on H, have been the best M that I could be. Not mentioned our R or his with OW.

Good. I know he hasn't offered you much for you to do 180's on, but try to think of any complaints he's had in the past and do 180's on those.

The 25th of March H says he can’t lie to me any more, that he has continued to see OW and that he loves her.

He's still in the puppy love stage, it may wear off. Just work on yourself and give him time and space.

H has not spoken about this to any of our friends, who were his friends first, or his family.

That's actually pretty common. My W and I had been separated for months when she sent out a Christmas letter that made it sound like we were still one big happy family. WAS's do strange things.

It would be sooo much easier is I hated him, but I don’t

That's actually a VERY good thing. Because hate and anger come from a place of pain, and if you mask the pain with hate and anger it takes you much longer to process the pain and recover.

Good luck!

[Kim65]

Thank you for your comments AnotherStander.... I thought I may have heard from a few other members by now

I'm not really sure how to quote so I will just copy and paste.

(quote)There's a book that gets referred to around here sometimes (sorry but I can't remember the name), I haven't read it but it offers the premise that "easy" relationships that never have arguments are doomed. All I can say is that my M was much like yours, we also rarely argued, we trusted each other, and everything seemed to be going really smoothly right up until BD.(quote/)

We didn't have huge arguments or fights as there was no cause for us to do so, we didn't need to?? As I said we did have disagreements and of course annoyed each other at times and would tell each other that "your shitting me at the moment" and get over it. I don't understand why it's said that couples should "fight" with on another?? We would talk if we felt like there was a problem.


quote)I felt the same way about my W. All these months later I can now see how tremendously codependent I was on her. It was bad for me, and it was bad for her. There's a book called "Codependent No More" that addresses this in detail.(quote/)


H is my love and my best friend but we have always seen each other as our own person. He has always said that he saw me as a strong independent women, that was one of the things that he loved about me and I haven't changed.

(quote)Good. I know he hasn't offered you much for you to do 180's on, but try to think of any complaints he's had in the past and do 180's on those.(quote/)

There has only been a couple of things that I feel may have bothered H that I have stopped. There were a few times H had said "your not my mother".

(quote)He's still in the puppy love stage, it may wear off. Just work on yourself and give him time and space.(quote/)

That's what my heart is hanging on to, I am really trying to be myself and be patient ..... If nothing else I am a patient women and don't give up easily.

(quote)WAS's do strange things.(quote/)

yep they sure do!!... Sometimes I wonder who has the real H??

(quote)That's actually a VERY good thing. Because hate and anger come from a place of pain, and if you mask the pain with hate and anger it takes you much longer to process the pain and recover.(quote/)

Thank you for that, quite a few of my friends just don't understand how or why I would want to be friends with H after what he's done..

Thanks again for your comments, they were much appreciated.

[~ kd ~]

Hi Kim, AnotherStander offers great advice and so perhaps other vets have felt that support stood on it's own, for you.

That said, as a newbie who is on moderation, it will take time for your posts to be authorized and show up. Be patient and keep posting, even though we all understand the anxiety and urgency you feel, right now.

While you point to not fighting as though there were no real disagreements, your H obviously felt it was OK to become emotionally and physically attached to OW. While it may or may not be true in your mind, he likely felt that he was not getting what he wanted, from you.

While that sounds more important than it really is, don't read anything into it other than, it is how he felt / feels. Understand that you will not be in competition with OW, if you wish to save the M. Rather, through DB methods, you will become an even better person that only a fool would leave.

As AS mentioned, do what 180s that you believe will help you become a better person, that you feel are important for you, and that might save the M. Also, GAL... it is great to help with your PMA, even if you may not feel like it, right now. Do your best.

Finally, have you read "5 Love Lanuages". You can actually find a test for LL online with your favourite search engine. Take the test for yourself and also try to figure out what your H is. It is very possible that his "love tank" became empty and you don't know how to fill it up. Knowing how the both of you give and receive love can go a long way to helping you grow and work through this sitch.

Keep posting, even if there are no responses, as it can be beneficial to journal and others will chime in with support.

[Kim65]

Thanks so much Kaffe Diem for your words!!!

And all what you have said is true. I know that H wouldn't have had this affair if there wasn't something that he wasn't getting from me... I just wish I knew what is was, or that he would tell me. Weather it's because he doesn't want to hurt me any more or he just can't put it into words..... It just kills me inside.

I will have a look on line to take the test, it may help me get some answers.

H came home last evening from his week away with OW. I was out when he got home, then he was out when I got home. When he finally got home he seemed very distant. We had a short conversation, we didn't feel as though we had that much to say to each other.

I told H I would be moving out in 3wks, that I had got the unit. He didn't really say anything, no emotion, just nodded his head. I suppose by H's lack of response I felt as though he didn't really care, and at this moment I feel as though I have lost him forever??...

I know that I need to act "as if", as hard as it is as I am an emotional being and tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I will continue to focus on being the best that I can be, especially over the next 3 weeks. Will continue to focus on just being his friend which is easy because he is...

I know even after 3 months it is still only early days on this journey and the road is going to be long...

Thanks again for the gr8 advice KD.... I'll take day at a time

[Kim65]

I'm happy to say that the next morning after H got home after being away for the week we were both our usual selves. I think that H coming home and finding that I had begun packing may have threw him a curve ball...

I've been doing Gal, been out and ordered new furniture for when I move which I enjoyed. H and I have been talking like good friends would which of course makes for a happier response from him. H even looked on line to help find a good deal for my gas and electricity...

At times I feel that by being "friends" with H may seem like that I've "let him of the hook", but I'm sure that this is what I'm supposed to do. If nothing else it does create a nice "vibe' between us..... I just hope that when I do move out that he will think of me and miss my company?? I'm sure he will, I know that I will miss his...

[~ kd ~]

Your H's lack of response is actually telling. I would submit that suggests he DOES care. He's just closing off so much, to not show his emotions.

If he did not care (the opposite of love is actually ambivalence, not hate), he would have been happy for you and likely would have responded that way.

I don't remember if you spoke directly to this, and since you are here, I'm guessing that the A is NOT a deal breaker, for you. Even though you have boundaries (your moving out) around it.

That said, yes. Keep working on you, your GAL...

I understand that you don't know what "went wrong" in the M. Your H won't tell you what his complaints are. While some WAS will happily offer the LBS all their complaints... including some that are completely made up and untrue... others get absolutely no feedback. I was one of those. I could only guess.

So what do you THINK your H's complaints might be?

After you make your list, take a close look and see which ones would be truly valid.

Remember, an LBS is GREAT at making things up in their own minds, taking ownership of ALL the problems in the M. You really need to take a close look at what you feel are valid, that you WANT to change, even if your M is not saved. Problems you could work on that would help ANY R or future M.

And having done that, how would you go about making these changes in yourself?