It was at that point that I knew I had to make my decisions regarding that, for me and me alone and my M and X were and entirely separate issue.
Totally agree with this statement. You need to pull your H out of the equation and do what is right for you, your girls, and this new baby.
H is going to be a jackass for the short term at minimum. Do not let him bully, or guilt you. Frankly, I wouldn't keep discussing it with him...it's just going to be fight after fight. Remember, he is in a fog right now. He wasn't thinking clearly before the pregnancy...he's a raving lunatic at this point. Space is the answer....best for you, best for him.
It scares me to think that he may just really not want or have anything to do with this child. I'm scared of what that would do to the child, my daughters, me, & even him down the road.
Too many what ifs. You can't control H...his relationship with his children is his to own (or not). Focus on what you can control....and that's just you.
Talk with an individual counselor trained to help you work through all of your emotions surrounding this pregnancy. I would assume your counselor, being religious, will have a bias that would be difficult to contain. You need to think all the way through all the ramifications of keeping and terminating the pregnancy so you can be really really clear on what YOU want to do, independent of what anybody else in the world wants you to do.
I would suggest keeping your interaction with H to the absolute minimum, and I would not dignify his request for proof. If you move forward with the pregnancy, God willing, the proof will become evident in due time. If I mentally go through the idea of him sitting there while you do a test, and then examining the result, I cannot imagine a scenario where he say, "oh my, my eyes have been opened. This is real, and now I don't think you did it on purpose." No way no how. You're more likely just going to get a bunch more verbal abuse. For the protection of yourself, and for the protection of any possible good image you might ever have of your children's father, let him go through his emotions away from you. Because he is angry, feels trapped, feels scared, is worried about money, and has no one but you to blame it on and take it out on. This is pure emotion talking and the only way you'll know what he'll do in the future is to be as calm and gracious and detached as you possibly can, and then wait and see. Actions speak louder than words.
Plan, though, plan on worst case scenarios so you know you're ok no matter what. Plan if you keep the pregnancy how you will line up your support system and how you will manage. Talk to others who've been there or are going through it now, so you can check your unrealistic fears. If you are able, talk to people who chose to terminate too, so you have all the information you can gather. I think an IC could be invaluable in working through fears and making decisions.
In my opinion, the best way to prove to H that you didn't do this to get him back is to let him go, right now, like a hot potato. Push him away, tell him you are just FINE thank you and don't need to listen to any more abuse from him. Leave him free to make his own decisions and choices without any pressure at all. If he is going to see you differently, it's ONLY going to be by you acting differently. It sounds really hard, but then again, right now is he acting like anyone you'd want to come back and parent a new baby with you?
(((((hugs)))))
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Your H's texts and calls sound like he is trying to get a reaction out of you. It's a cycle many relationships devolve into when things go bad. If at all possible, try to set his accusations aside and not respond to them. If you end up talking to him, try to practice detachment.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
This is hard. So, so hard. I don't want to detach. I don't want to break away. I don't want to be without H. I don't know how to handle all of this anymore. My mind is racing & I can't make it stop.
No more texts or questions from H regarding pregnancy. That's good. I guess he realized I wasn't going to answer him. I'm glad I don't have to deal with those right now.
I'm going to try to find another IC to talk to like suggested, although I wouldn't be uncomfortable speaking to my current one & feel like he would not push me one way or the other. His beliefs aren't typical when concerning the religious aspect.
H asked me on the way out the door this morning about his cousin's kid's bday party tomorrow & what time we needed to be there. I don't know if I want to go? We've been acting as if nothing is wrong around everyone since BD in Dec. I'm tired of it. In the beginning we agreed that we didn't really want anyone to know until we actually separated or got divorced so we wouldn't have to hear all the advice & opinions from everybody. Very, very few people know what is going on & nobody knows I'm pg.
I know I just said I don't want to detach or break away, but I also have this urge to just tell him to get out & leave. If he was to leave though I know that would be it, he would never come back. I don't want that either. I've got to get it together. I also really, really want to send that email I posted yesterday. I just want him to talk to me.
The day has barely got going & I'm already a huge mess.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
This is hard. So, so hard. I don't want to detach. I don't want to break away. I don't want to be without H.
There is no one who has posted here as an LBS that hasn't felt that way.
The problem with it is that all it will do is continue to cause pain for you and push your S away.
I think you may be looking at the whole process the wrong way.
What you need to realize is that the best way to rebuild your M, is to get yourself healthy. You can't do that while you are mired in the muck of what is going on.
You seem to know a ton about OW, things she has said to your H, things he has said to her. I am curious where that knowledge comes from and do you really think knowing the things that you do (she wants to have his baby, her living situation, etc...) helps you in your quest to save your M?
I understand. I get the feeling that you feel like you are in a competition with her and if you can just be better than her, he will decide to stay with you.
Guess what...it doesn't work that way. The competition isn't with her. It is with yourself.
Originally Posted By: in it
I also really, really want to send that email I posted yesterday. I just want him to talk to me.
Unfortunately, sending that email is probably not going to bring the result that you desire.
I would be willing to bet that many of his questions regarding the pregnancy are coming from OW. They are also coming from a place of anger within him because you have messed up his plans.
The only thing that will probably happen for a while anyway is more nastiness directed your way.
And that is a stress that you do not need right now.
You will get through this. You need to make yourself a priority at this point.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks Cat. Everything about the OW I've learned from H. It all comes on bits & pieces. Sometimes, in the beginning of all this, I would ask questions. H would answer sometimes & sometimes wouldn't. There has been a few alcohol induced conversations where most has been revealed. He also reveals more about us & his feelings for me in these convos. One was a month or so ago when we were in Las Vegas & the other was on New Years Eve.
I haven't really looted at as a competition before, but that is exactly what I have been doing. I have to stop.
H hasn't told OW about pregnancy. That's why he wants me to terminate, so he will never have to. He's afraid she'll leave him. OW thinks H has nothing to do with me & has not been involved with me in regards to anything. He tells her that we are 'roommates' & that's it. OW thinks we don't even speak really unless it is about the kids & is necessary.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
