I was previously on this board years ago for SSM. Got a lot of advice and helped me deal with it, plus it helped me actually become a bit more realistic and "Mid-D" and my wife became a bit better as well. I am really hoping to get more great advice now.
Background: Things were really good for several years, then 2.5 years ago I took a new job and we moved from Milwaukee area to Western Wisconsin. We had previously lived here and wife had close friends here, so she was supportive of move. Problem was, I was oversold on job and walked into he** with the owner. VERY stressful time for me, with long days and weekends, and when I was there, I really wasn't present for either her or our kids.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
The good news is last summer the owner sold the company and I now work for great people. Still had long hours during transition, but nothing like before, and even before the sale my stress level was better and I was able to refocus on the family more.
Problem was, obviously lots of damage was done. She was VERY supportive of me during that time, but for a year, I thought I was going to be fired anyday and dialed back our spending a lot to build up a rainy day fund. One thing that was cut back was our 15th anniversary unfortunately. We had always talked about going to Italy and all her friends got really nice rings or other jewelry. My gift was lame and I took her to a spa for the weekend. The stupid flower shop even screwed up and didn't deliver her roses, even though I ordered them, which made it look like I forgot to mark the day. She was so dissapointed it took her 3 months before she said anything. I was really sorry and heartbroken to hear that and made up for it with our 16th last fall, with a cruise, South Beach, and a beatiful diamond ring I put a lot of thought into and custom designed. She seemed really happy all fall and into December.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Also, I bought her a Kindle for her birthday in October. She said she wanted to read the 50 shades books, so I loaded them on. She read them quickly and started downloading many books and reading all the time. Literally, cooking, Kindle was on, in bed, Kindle, working out, Kindle. She probably read 5 books in our first 15 years (including none of the marriage enhancement books I gave her after I read them) but she has read at least 30 in the past few months. A few of these books were murder mysteries, but the vast majority are "good girl, bad guy (mostly tattoos, rock stars, or really rich types) with lots of sex. I haven't read them, but I see the Amazon email every time she orders a new one and I look at the link for the description.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
In December, she started fanatically watching what she was eating, working out like crazy, and stopped having any wine or beer on weeknights (we used to frequently sit down with one to end the day and catch up). Result is she is down 24 pounds and looks amazing. I have always been attracted to her, but she was down on herself as her weight had crept up a bit.
She also bought tickets to Pink and went with her best friend a month ago. For weeks before, that was literally all that she played at home. Again, obsessive.
Also, last few months, she has had a very short fuze with our kids and me. Normal stuff (socks on the floor in the kids room) would set her off and she was mad I wasn't supporting her more, but I felt it was really having an effect on our kids and told her privately.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Anyway, I go out of town for business on a Tuesday and she makes a point of us ML the night before. I left happy. The night I left, she goes to Pink out of town and stays over at a hotel with her best friend. Starting the next day, her texts change in tone (just saying "ok" in response to me and not sending me anything proactive). She is not "text challenged" and frequently texts her close friends. Also, she is a big FB user and we are not Friends on each others. I didn't even have an account for many years and because we shared so many friends and relatives, I just would follow on hers. I could tell this bugged her a bit, so I added my own account a year ago.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
I got back May 22 and on May 23, she sits down and asks if we can move back to Milwaukee. This is many hours away, our kids love our town, we have a great neighborhood, and my job/compensation is hard to come by. This was out of the blue so I listened to her and did a good job asking questions nonjudgmentally. She talked about how much she hated it here (no shopping, no good sporting events, no nightlife) and how she hated everything, including even our dog, who she LOVES! I didn't know what to say, I just tried to listen. She told me she had talked to her best friend the day before and even when riding back from Pink, she didn't feel this way.
After she went to bed, I went online and this seemed like a classic MLC and possible depression. The next night I told her what I had found and that we were going to be ok. We had talked about watching This is 40, so on Tuesday I rented it so we could laugh a bit. It was funny and we both laughed, but in hindsight, stupid move, I realize, because it minimized what a big deal this was for her.
Also, that day I talked to her best friend for a long time to get her take and tell her how scared I was for her. She said this caught her by surprise, but clearly there is a lot in the marriage she bottled up for a few years and it was coming to the surface.
That Thursday, we talked again and as we were talking, something occurred to me that hadn't until that point. I asked "when you imagine moving back to Milwaukee, am I with you?" to which she said she wasn't sure. Official gut punch at that point but tried to stay calm. She then unloaded for 1/2 hour about how hurt she still was about the 15th, that I don't make her feel appreciated, I don't do my part around the house, etc. I became defensive at that point and told her things that I had bottled up as well. Not the right time for that I realize.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
She is certainly behaving in MLC "like" ways, although these are also simply transitional components when someone changes their life direction.
That said, if you feel she's MLC, well... you are the one to live with her.
The only reason I point out the difference is, you could "work with" your W through a transition, if she is open to it. Whereas with MLC... that's a journey she needs to do on her own.
What did your W say when you suggested that she might be MLC?
It is unfortunate that you were defensive in her tirade. Hopefully, you can work on validation.
Next day I talked again to her friend and she basically said this is all about the marriage and she resents me. I told her friend that I was going to go to counselling and thought my wife should as well, but she might be too stubborn. She agreed that was a good move and said she would suggest it to.
I found a counselor who is a Gottman and MWD trained, pro-marriage counselor. He saw me a week ago individually and told me it didn't sound like WAW yet, but rather possible depression, and that he would need to see her. Wife went Wednesday. We sat down Wednesday night and she said appointment went well, she liked him, and thought next step of us going as a couple is a good idea. She said he told her she clearly had at least mild depression and he was going to work that into our treatment.
But, she also told me as we talked more that something had changed the week of the concert when I was out of town. She said after she dropped the kids off at sports, she was tempted to just keep driving and not come back. I asked her why that week and she didn't know. I asked her if something happened at the concert and she said no.
I went to bed feeling good that we were moving forward, but yesterday I had a sick feeling that maybe something had happened and she was holding back. The thought of another man had never occurred to me, but last night after she went to bed, I went into our office to her FB account and saw a new friend who is a heavily tattood professional model/actor who owns a fitness studio in Milwaukee. When I clicked on his page, his first post was from the day before for the healthy recipe that she came home and cooked for dinner last night after "finding it online". I almost threw up. Then, I scrolled down and saw they became friends in early March, and that she posted something to one of his messages from the Pink concert, and, his posts implied that he was on the road, so he could have been there. This triggered a panic that led me to look at her gmail and this morning, when she was working out, to look at her phone to see if there were any calls to or from Milwaukee that were unfamiliar. I didn't see any, but the other disturbing part is that on his profile, he works at a restaraunt in Milwaukee that she mentioned she is excited to go to in a few weeks when she visits a close friend there. Again, panic feeling.
I did a few things last night. One, I got out of her FB account and looked at it from the public viewing. On that, I could see both her friending the guy and when I went to his public site, her post was visible. So, I could ask her about him based on that. Also, I invited her to Friend me, and she has not responded although the other 5 or so people I sent to have.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
