good to hear from you. you poor kid- you sure get your share of dark rantings don't you? i don't know how you cope- it's sooo sad what these guys are/become/want to be-
i wish we could visit in person too- it'd be interesting and i'm thinking you're rite- we'd laugh quite alot. if i could even laugh about it (tho, at home alone it's rather tragic) somehow i manage to see the jerky side too and laugh. it's something... i read that even forcing yourself to laugh makes you get benefit of the hormones or whatever we make.
God knows i can use them - this gloom and doom and tragedy is getting on my nerves. i miss laughing at my neices baby.
geeeeez - so here's me- la de dah doh de doh- thinking throughout my life that most of all of "it" doesn't really matter. if my h was a jerk about something- or had a wierd quirk- i'd just think, oh well, in for a penny - in for a pound and get used to it. whatever- nothing seemed all that important. i honestly wonder if just being accepting and undemanding is that bad a flaw. oh well huh?
wierdly this guy - this lifestyle - this ow crappola - just not something i can "get used to". how he could think it- i do not know. i know so far i have not delivered ultimatum.
my own unpreparedness. guess he's just helping me detach and get to truly dislike him -
he's offered to call my mother once a day- no one in the family even will do it. i know it's easier when it's not your own mother giving you grief- but wtf??? some days i hate them both and think they're perfect for each other. self-involved before anyone else in the universe -
somehow he figures all of life and a r is separate somehow from sex and affection. man oh man- what a deluded jacka$$ he is- he is trying to convince himself he's not nuts and is not a real $hit. oh well- i guess whatever keeps him in his own little world longer.
i've had a wierdie-pie day. sent out a few resumes - keep not remembering what day it is- then i think i'm getting as nuts as my mother- GEeez- this dementia/alsheimers is soooo scary- . i am so the wrong person to be a nursemaid. i think i have everything myself. when our lawfirm did alot of malpractice litigation- I began thinking i had all the symptoms i read about - cripes!!!
i need a job doing something happy with happy information involved. should be an interesting challenge to make that happen.
so- you sound pretty good today actually. i'm glad of it- how's your cold? i like th epuppy picture. makes me want to get a puppy- but i need to figure out what the heck i'm doing with my life before i drag some poor dog down with me.
it's a shame your h feels so short changed by life. well, i can sure understand it when you feel all your hard work does not pay off (look at you and I - investment of love and caring and doing for years and years only to have it ground into the turf) wtf??? does that count too?
wonder if growing up a woman- working, right out of school and being intimately aware of how second class citizens women are- is our strength. we can endure because we're used to it- the not-s0=just society we live in. a bit more than guys who think they must succeed or be zero.
this ego thing is a problem. oh well- now that i'm here- i don't even care to ramble round about it- i'm tired of it all today- picked up the phone a couple times to say i'm done- didn't tho. why do i stop myself? don't really know. no job mostly i guess. i'll hate the lonliness- i'm lonely as hell tonite- just f'ing tired to the bone of being alone.
it's a darn shame we can't rub a bottle , get a genie and just ask for whatever we want- perfect life and companion comes to mind. guess it's a waiting game in life anyway- so why stress and rush? it all comes in it's own time anyway doesn't it.?/
i can remember times when i was dying for some solitude. i wonder now if i did this to myself - in part? well, how much of this i did to myself? it's the darn computer- instant access. it was the beginning of the end- his total addiction to it.
oh well- i'm outta here. maybe there's a british comedy on or something worth watching on public tv. maybe i should bite the bullet and find a small dog i can lug wherever i go. maybe i'll never go there or be welcome in my life down there again- so it won't be an issue
who can know? i do not like feeling powerless - even if i'm just laying in wait for my moment- ducks to be in a row before i do anything exotic.
oh well again- i'm allover the place tonite- cheers dearie (a bit of baily's with ice) - lonely girl signing off
still alive, still haven't gotten on phone and gone ballistic. still (gulp) in control. (of me, actions, words, emotions) who would ever think people do this when they're this "old" - well, oldish (62). it amazes me still- you'd think i'd be at peace with that huh?
i hate to think of young people going thru this and having it taint their whole life. on the other hand- i think maybe they will go forward thru life a little smarter and more savvy about all this junk than i was.
i blush to think of my niave app4oach to love and life. what in the world COULD i have been thinking? how could i really have thought he and i were "different" from anyone else really? how could i (and still do sometimes and then correct myself) think really that love will win out in the end and somehow it will all "come right". God- i must have my head in some wierd cloud in life. i do think now- that one way or the other- it'll be sorted one of these days,months, years - and I'll go forward on my own or not - and have a life that will be okay. i'm not expecting miracles of insane happiness- i'll settle for feeling moderatly and overall-ly happy like i used to. i want that feeling back- the gentle, in the back of your mind feeling that in life you're a happy person.
oh well- it's sure a slow process. i despair of an end ever coming- doesn't feel right to force it- doesn't feel right to wait forever - nothing feels rite- that's the problem for us all isn't it? a forced wierd situation that doesn't "feel rite" at all. okay- not gong there now-
off to conduct my day and act "as if" with mad fury-
Life, i guess it's the same old stuff all around us- all in our own life and in others and no one is immune. very bad idea to indulge in self-delusion there.
that's it- sunny lovely day- go rake or sew- somethig productive.
came to share one little thing i re-read this morning and i like it.
in book "the art of happiness" by dalai lama & cutler, m.d.-
when chatting about suffering in life and one's perspective - they quote Graham Green in "the third man" - who observed;
"In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed - - but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they have brotherly love, 500 years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock."
whattya think universe? will our stupid mlc situations improve our wisdom quotient and our quality of life - ULTIMATELY?????
if we survive without crashing and burning along the way from this pain and insanity...
They don't draw attention to themselves allowing for a great way of life for families and children, and especially their elderly. I like the strong yet silent type. That what H was, now he's just a big mouth, weakling afraid of everything in front of him.
Are you lonelier or sadder because of the time you did have in FL. You have to think if you can go on with this uprooting he does in your life, is is worth it when he's gone again? You deserve soo much more Nero!
You don't have a nieve way of look at life, you are realistic in what you deserve! Now are you going to demand it, or stay sad? You can get a new life, and a new guy, and move forward, it's were your at about now. Think about it, your H is!
Try to be easier on yourself! You can be happy without H, or sad with him!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
tomorrow i can always walk if i need to - rite????
No, you can't walk! It's your house too! What you can do is draw the line between you as roommates or not, and be a single and free as he is! The L R is over, do you want it back, can you? Waiting is the best thing if your not sure, but you have to wait and be "as If" or your not going to find your own happiness! You have to stop thinking of him and what he's doing.
Free your thoughts, and wait, but free your mind of him!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Sharing my new quote for today, and hopefully always!
''When you give too much importance to someone else in your life, you loose your importance in their life.''
''The moment is all there is. All our worries and plans about the future, all our replaying of things that happened in the past — it’s all in our heads, and it just distracts us from fully living right now. Let go of all that, and just focus on what you’re doing, right at this moment. In this way, any activity can be meditation.''
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
fancy you being here rite now too- you're rite of course about freeing my mind. it's better than ever before- sadly- not completely 'FREE". I THINK it is, then i realized this a.m. i slept well- and wonder how much was a rather pleasant chat i'd had with h rite before bedtime. i don't want to see that- but i do unfortunately.
yay- only a fleeting glimpse of that woman i was. i hate to get rid of alll the soft parts of her. this new woman goes around making myself "hardened up a bit more in life" and i don't like that too much. as usual- i both embrace changed person-ness in me- and fear it. i don't want to lose alot of who i was. she was a very good person- if dopey.
. i hardly ever go down the "memory lane" place any more. i can register good times- and not go inspect them with an eye toward his participation. i'm bettr with that.
i don't think he knows one darn bit what i think about him and his "life" now - as it's happening. i got pma dripping off me - i don't say what i'm doin gin life - i try and rush off phone when i can remember- i don't call him - i don't ask - i don't respond - i don't tell hm where i'm going to rush off to or with whom (i do notice he doesn't ask).
it's just the little twinge of knowing he doesn't care what i'm doing or about me - in the back of my mind/heart - tht still is there. i'm not "bleeding" - this i can notice and appreciate. (yay me-) toughening up a hell of alot over lst couple years). am i super - human- not yet. sadly...
i'd like to say i TRULY do not care one darn bit - whether he cares about me or not- i'd be lying. it's tiny- but it's there. it is not shown to him -
i guess it's what keeps me here- fbow -
your quote:
Quote:
''When you give too much importance to someone else in your life, you loose your importance in their life.''
this may be perfectly true based on human nature - but it's an awful& shabby thought. I'd still like to think that there are people better than this. i'd like to hope i'm better than this- that merely "having power" makes you detest the underlings. that's what it stacks up to- i sure see it in my life with h and my mothr both. do i even see it neutrally- no- they are su_kie human beings if this is the low level of emotional-humanity they're operating with. i'm no saint- but doesn't it make us "revenge seeking missles" rather than loving people who turn the other cheek? aren't we all supposed to endeavor to be gracious under fire and givelove- unqualifiedly and without expectation?
idk- gotta think about this all some more. - i am really able to get engrossed and shove the past and future rite out of my mind for the day at least - usually- and can look forward to activities i like & enjoy - and move on in my life-
i'm not "there" - but i'm on way- maybe with a limp instead of in a sportscar- but heading in rite direction i feel sure-
i am "as if'ing" like mad here. no kidding- you get the "doubtful" girl i can be sometimes... & the ranter - not him.
for all he knows (or cares) i' m doing a jig daily and a different man every nite. he does not ask- i do not volunteer.
i am casual - i am soooo non-needy i wonder if he needs to be needed sometimes and i'm sooooo non-needy do i push him away?
i don't give in to that thought or impulse. i sure hope mwd knows what she's talking about. if she's wrong - i'm done for -
i'm honest dawn- i know i can sound soooooo in the dumpish here with you and in this world - in h's land- i'm totally goin about my life- busy all day every day- out with buddies- see to my mom - tra la- free & breezy.
it's a joke of course- but it's what i show him (if i'm showing him anything).
what does it produce? i am not sure.
he is nicer he is not critical almost at all any more (?) he occasionally says something nice he referred to something in fla house as "our" - interesting slip of the tongue. i think him,house, EVERYTHING IS HIS - he's an only child- universe is about HIM HE STAYS away alot- i hate it but don't say it i don't think a thing is changed - in any sense (other than more peaceful & pleasant home life)
you asked about being with him couple months. it's nice - it's what i'm used to. BUT it does make me aware more constantly of the distance where there used to be affection & love. that makes it a bit worse. it's a double edged sword- I am totally sick of it all. i mean it- scarily so.
being around him is having it all constantly smashed in my face-
being away makes me more kindly- don't know if that's good or bad really.
idk dawn- i'm outta here- lots to do and even enthusiastic.
don't worry- til i decide i'm done with nj- i'm not walkin out of this house . period. he'll have to pry me out with a stick of dynomite. hopefully- i can remain "neutral" appearing long enough to make any decisions and moves on my own time , in my own way - for my OWN reasons. if i can keep him fooled into thinking i'm "neutral" in general- i feel i can have the freedom & time to do that.
i don't know what they are- i just don't like being rushed or forced into anything. I AM THE WORLD'S slowest decider if i have the time to be. in the emergency- i can sling out those decisions like mad- IF I HAVE TO. ALOT hinges on what is forcing me in life-
Oh, believe me I don't act as insecure as I do either. That is my venting so I can face him calm. H just called and said he was working OT, I was amicable, slightly sympathetic, and when I hung up shouted hurray! It's a game, I'm just learning how to play!
We do what we have to do to get by everyday while we "wait'' for what I'm not sure, but I'll be sure when is happens!
It's a nasty cold rainy day. Sure could use on of your scones and a cup of tea.
Have a great eve and Sat morning coffee.
<3 dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
