2) More specifically (and I don't want to get too caught up in specifics because the examples could be limitless), what about when W says how she feels about her appearance? I think this is a fairly typical and volatile example.
Well that's a tough example, because it really depends on her state of mind and how she asks it. Sometimes women say something about their appearance because they ARE fishing for a compliment, and so they don't want validation so much as positive affirmation. IE- "This dress makes my butt look big!" "I have to disagree, that dress makes your cute little derriere look so great that I don't know if we'll ever get out of the house tonight!" This is a case where validation may backfire, if you were to say "I hear you saying you think your butt looks big, how does that make you feel?" She might actually go looking for a bat to chase you around the house with, LOL!
A better example might be if she says "My mom just passed away, and now when I look in the mirror I see the same wrinkles and age spots, I'm turning into my mother!" This would be a good time for validation, because the difference is this is coming from a place of emotional distress whereas the above example is more superficial. A good response to this might be "I can't imagine what that's like, tell me how that makes you feel." "I feel like life is slipping past me, it moves so quickly!" "Does that make you sad?" "Yes, and I feel anxious too". "How anxious do you feel, would you sat it's a little or a lot?" "I guess in the middle." "Kind of like when D16 started driving and we were constantly on pins and needles about it?" "Yes, that's a good example! When I start thinking about it I have that same sense of waiting for the other show to drop." "I'm sorry you feel that way, it sounds difficult."
Constrast that with what the typical "guy" response to that would be: "Honey, you don't look anything like your mother. Don't be silly, you look great and you've still got a lot of good years ahead of you!" This is actually the opposite of validation. This invalidates her emotions and feelings, it tells her that her feelings are wrong, that she is mistaken. Validation is seeking to understand her emotions and to let her know you take them seriously, that they are important to you.
