The View from the Blanket III

[sayitaintso]

Once you figure out that the OW is doing you a favor it is much easier.

After all who else would take care of a defective husband except for a defective OW.

A match made in heaven.

Like ^^^

[bustingout]

I like it too SIAS :-)

Journal

What NG posted on her thread really resonated with how I feel right now.

Alright, he is leaving in two days. Back to Dubai with his OW. Tonight we had a family movie night that was lovely. Tomorrow he made plans with his relatives for us all to go out on the boat and spend the afternoon together. We were going to do this anyway. He invited his relatives. I am happy for this. I love his relatives. Is he making it easier on himself to not just be with me as the only adult? Who knows.

I had a talk a few days ago with H and spoke about shame and behaviours.

I know he knows how I feel and he also knows I am really good with who I am right now, despite his leaving.

I am ready for the next stage whatever it may be.

He seems a little softer now but I am not putting anything in to it.

I have made made plans for the night he leaves for both my kids and for myself (after the kids sleep asked my girlfriends to come over). I am trying to take care of myself by having people I love and that love around me. Given what happened the last time H left and the kids' reactions I also have a plan for them. No matter what I will remain upbeat for them. When H is here, more and more he is a more involved father. That is good. I accept I am not a part of his life.

It was weird today though. He told me he bought a car in Dubai. He said I know what you are thinking, that I have completely moved there. I said no, actually, I am thinking the car you bought has a good resale value for when you leave. He said that is what I was thinking too. I said did you not tell me about the car in the first place because of the cost? he said no. you didnt ask. I said how would I know to ask? He said you never asked how I get around when I am there. I thought to myself..well I dont ask because I dont want to know details because it all reminds me of how you left and are with OW. Yet, his response seemed like he thought I didnt care what was happening with him.

I dont know what to do sometimes. If I ask, I am prying and getting the cold shoulder, or getting information I dont want to know, or not seeming to care.

[sayitaintso]

I dont know what to do sometimes. If I ask, I am prying and getting the cold shoulder, or getting information I dont want to know, or not seeming to care.

I walked on egg shells for a long time before I was able to change this dynamic.

Try to do whatever you feel works for you. Not to induce any reaction or outcome from your H but regardless of any reaction.

[littleGTO]

bustin,

"Damned if you do, damned if you don't." I agree w SIAS to do what feels right to you & don't try to figure out what HE thinks you should/shouldn't be saying or asking.

Good for you being "ready for the next stage!"

And, I like that you are being pro-active about providing support for yourself and your kids when H leaves. That was very smart thinking!

[bustingout]

I hear you SIAS- I guess I have gotten to a point where I just don't ask or question anymore because I have been so focused on detaching myself and of course his general demeanour which tells me his life is none of my business. I want to be with my H but know I don't need him. And while I want my family back together I had gotten to a point where when he is around I am friendly but understand we are not friends. As soon as he leaves the house it's NC unless about the kids.

I don't want to know about his life with OW. I think it's sick. So I ask very little. If it comes across as me not interested in his life the. It's just more of his same confusing behaviour that I don't want to be a part of. If he wants me to be part of his life he knows very well how to show me that.

Thanks little for your support. I hope the pre planning of support will help.

[JuneReN]

I want to be with my H but know I don't need him.

This is always how I have felt . Good for you Busting, you sound good...and strong and resolved.

If you don't know what to do, ask if you want to know and don't ask if you don't. That's what I do. But I have asked H to always be honest, and he said he would, but I may not like the answers lol! I said I am only asking questions I want the answers to.

So, that always makes me think if I want to know, if knowing will benefit me and the kids, whether the answer hurts or not. Then I go forward.

I also try not to ask any questions about the future. Ever. The future belongs to me and my kids. And it often changes

[bustingout]

Thanks IO. :-) I agree about asking questions about the future. I make plans for me and the kids.

I have gotten myself to a place where I ask safe questions. Questions that I can handle the answer to. So most of my questions have very little to do with his personal life...or rather, his life outside of the kids and mine. I am realising that this then can come across as me not caring because I wont ask him details about his life in Dubai (like the car thing i wrote about previously), and when he is here in town and he comes over the next day after a night out I certainly don't ask about his night out...I know he is with OW. Thats enough for me.

We had another great family day today. :-) even met up with some of his relatives. Afterwards, we came home, had a picnic dinner in front of the TV with a family movie. Put the kids to bed. And then he left. Always that ending. I appreciate it for what it is right now. I realise this will not be the norm in the long term. Either I will meet someone new, or he will make a true commitment to the OW, or some other OW.

As for us reconciling? I am still standing while appreciating that he is not at that place right now. I am not stopping my life, or shutting the door on ANY possibilities. Life gives us what is meant to be. I need to continue learning and being the best me possible for that to happen. I spent too much time of my life bringing in negative energy. I want the rest of my life to be spent in the light, sending out positive energy and love and welcoming what it may bring. It surprises me at times when I remember how angry I used to be.

Today, part of our day was watching our son in a horse jumping competition (so cool!). After S8 finished we hung around a bit and watched others compete and then started contemplating if we should leave before it all finished. I wanted to leave and H was unsure. I I started getting agitated then stopped myself and thought what would that old me have done and what will the new me do? The old me would have pestered H...come on, lets just go..blah blah...pester and nag.

I took a moment, whats the big deal if we stay a little longer? Enjoy the moment NOW. Didnt say anything more to H, let him take the lead. And I enjoyed and he eventually said shall we go and we did and continued to enjoy the afternoon.

It felt good that I didnt turn it into a negative nagging thing.

Sometimes I dont know if I am in denial. I see people I havent seen in months and they speak to me in that 'are you ok' voice and I respond yes I am! Because I really am! I feel like H and I have a separate relationship when it comes to the kids that keeps us in contact, but is so private no one can see it. I dont think it means we are reconciling, I just recognise it for what it is. I wont let myself, my ego, get in the way of the kids. I guess he doesnt FB his family time, so people only see his other life.

So when H left tonight, 'bye see you tomorrow'...i said ok bye. I realise I dont look at him when he leaves. It still hurts. Although I welcome the quiet time after the kids are in bed and he leaves. I have learned to enjoy it. Its not completely what I want (would be nice to just lay in bed together with a movie after a great day like this).

I texted H later to say thank you for the day it was fun.

Feeling good, sad I am not with H, accept where I am right now and what it is. I almost feel like I don't feel. I just am. I am used to being alone, I wonder how I would share my space again with someone. I want to. But HOW will I? I dont think I am ready yet.

[tori2012]

"I almost feel like I don't feel. I just am"

Busting, you are living in the now. That's awesome. I'm glad to hear you're at this point. When the time comes, you'll figure out how to share your space again. Just focus on today and keep living a life of meaning.

People are annoying w their "Are you OK" questions. Don't mind them much. Just answer that yes, you are OK. And if you're not OK, say that too.

Thank you for your support, Busting!

(((((((((((((((())))))))))))))

[bustingout]

Thank you for yours Tori! (((((((((( )))))))))))

journal

this evening H left back to Dubai. He spent the day with us and when he left...well it was tough. The kids, especially S8 had a meltdown. I really thought it was going to be easier than the last time he left, but it was not. I was determined not to cry, and I did (after H left). I stopped quickly because of the kids and focused on them. The look on my S8 face...the sheer sadness, tears and helplessness.....It took awhile but after talking, validating their feelings and a little silliness from me, I got some smiles out of them at last.

sigh....S8 went to sleep saying he only 20 percent happy.

When H left I said take care and good luck. D5 wouldn't leave his car...'take me with you daddy'

When are you coming back daddy? I don't know.

Its a Fu%^ING song. FU%^ING cats and the cradle...

I know I shouldn't but I put so much of this on his choice to be with OW. I know he is working in Dubai and I know he wants to be successful. But i also know if it wasn't for her, he wouldn't go away like this.But then again, this whole life crisis...who knows what anything would be like with or without OW. So right now, she is the one I can blame. Although I know its not her per se. I still hate her.

So its back to complete NC. Maybe I welcome it a bit. If he calls for the kids, I will do what I was doing before...pass the phone on to the kids.

Yesterday, all four of us were walking to go on the boat and S8 said mommy are you happy with us? I said this is the best part of my like all of you and he said except if daddy was living with us it would be better (all in front of H), and I said lets enjoy the moment now S8 it is a wonderful day and he said ok.

And just thought....sigh...

Sometimes I want to rage out at H and never see him again because of the pain on the kids.Really. Sometimes I think I want to tell him dont come back until you can come back to this family. Because this coming and going is too much of a toll on them. He cant figure out a way to be with me, thats his problem....then go away. Because the little he is giving to the kids, while good while he is here...is not enough for them. And I dont think I should expect them to accept it.

I am angry. Does it ever come to a point where them not seeing him at all is better for them? I think that may be my ego talking.

Would he give us a chance if OW wasn't involved? I don't know. But I do know it would be a better chance than the way it is now. My kids would definitely have a better chance at having their father back than they do now.

Live in the now....focus....is children.....

[NLW]

Busting,
That's a really sad song...

If it helps at all, I feel just the same as you:

I hate OW.
And sometimes I want to rage out at H and never see him again because of the pain.
Sometimes I think I want to tell him dont come back until you can come back to this family. Because this coming and going is too much of a toll on them.
I am angry.

And I also wonder: Does it ever come to a point where them not seeing him at all is better for them?

I figure these feelings are normal for the situation we find ourselves in and are things that we just have to work through/give to passage of time.

I'm right there with you.