Thanks for the comments shiss & gal. I decided to leave it alone, d18 wrote her card & that's all we can do. Can't control MIL's reactions.
Had DB coach yesterday and IC appt today. Talk about polar opposites.
I have first counseling appt with H next week. And I feel impending doom about the appt and feel that H is just going through the motions. We were on a pretty good communication path, but the closer it gets to the appt the more distance I'm feeling from him again. It probably doesn't help that I'm overly anxious about it (to myself and here, not expressing that to H).
DB coach said to do either approach 1) take focus off R and focus on kids and successful co-parenting. I pointed out, though, that co-parenting was never an issue for us. We were always a team in that regard but there weren't many other facets to our R. But she had a good point about building the teamwork and working together and the rest of the R can develop from there. Or approach 2) simply state that H has never fully expressed his anger or emotions about our R and I feel there is a lot unsaid and I'd like H to have opportunity to do that. Then I listen and absorb and don't react. It's not easy for him to dig deep and I doubt that one will go very far either.
IC said it's time for an ultimatum. I need to know where my life is heading and if H is part of the plan. Don't need to have fully restored R, but need to know if he's willing to work on it. That sounds like pressure and sounds dangerous. So she suggested putting it out there that I want to 'open a dialogue' about R. Then she points out the reality that he's given absolutely no indication that the door is ajar and I need to be prepared to move on. And I asked IC, but he hasn't filed or talked about D, does that show ambivalence? IC pointed out to me that I did all the family planning/managing, so how could I really expect him to get his act together to file for D?
Is there a third option I'm missing here?
I've thought I could do a combination of both - I want to know where H is in this process, want to express what I've learned and hope for rebuilding R, and want to establish renewed co-parenting. HOW much vulnerability do I want to convey? Is it okay to wear my heart on my sleeve and tell H that I want a thriving R, and I still want it with him? That would kind of be a 180 for me because of the fact that I always reacted in anger & didn't open that much.
What do I really want from this and subsequent C sessions? I could walk away and feel good about my efforts if H understands the options, and the possibilities for a renewed R - AND STILL SAYS nope, I don't want it with you. In some strange way, I could actually live with that. Instead, I've only heard 'it was too late', 'I don't think it's possible' - a whole lot of doubt but no definitive CHOICES. Is that an unreasonable expectation?
What are the pitfalls I need to avoid here? My main goal is keeping my cool, being calm, not reacting & showing validation. My brain is full of sound bites from books, DB, this forum, & IC. Lots of contradicting theories. I want my marriage. But I can only control my half of the work.
