Well... I guess it was bound to happen. The conversation about my x. I was hoping that this would be a later conversation, but this girl can see through me? For 2 people who can barely make time for each other - we sure have really deep conversations.
We were walking and talking. I made a side comment about getting a tattoo of strength on my wrist as my family has been through alot. I didn't think anything of it at the time... but I guess it peaked her interest.
I guess I walk with confidence and know who I am and what I want (WIN!) but that it is a confidence that was born from extreme pain (her perception and truth actually). So she asked what happened in my life that made me this way.
So I was honest. I talked about my terminally- ill mother and sister, I talked about the loss of my marriage. I explained the pain, my x in program, how it changed my life. She said it was inspirational... I was horrified.
I know I cannot hide the past, nor do I try to. Actually I'm pretty open about it since it's a huge catalyst to why I am so positive and loving today.
But never on a date...even if it's a hangout - there still a part of me that is interested in her as more.
Will she run - she said not.. but we will see.
It brought up a ton of triggers for me though. Kinda threw me off a little bit.. so when I said I got pushed around alot in basketball because of how the other girls are stalky and I'm small... and she responded with - I would call you stalky, you got meat on your thighs....
...that just killed it for me. Do I think she meant harm... no, but being married to someone who "criticized me out of love" destroyed my self-worth. I don't want that again.
I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I do want to date, but I realized that there is still so much growth left to do.
But then again - who calls a 5'8 woman who wears size small shirt and size 4 pants - stalky?
Urgh
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
