Others (snodderly?) will have a good take on this. I can only have experience with my own sitch.
When H went away for two weeks in late October last year, he carefully scheduled his trip so as to be back by S13's birthday. (at which I cried so hard that we both missed the candles and singing part).
Meanwhile he was headed for D. No amount of reason could sway him. So...while he was gone on vacation he texted every day or several times per day and called a couple of times. Meanwhile, I was busy....not answering his texts immediately or some days not at all. One time (gladly) I was at a live local music concert (alone) and said "gotta go...they're starting the next set" and so on.
When he came back from vacation (can't believe some of the stuff -- alcohol mostly -- he put on FB) he said he was so sorry he never took us anywhere nice like that and we all got presents. But still headed for D (no wonder I felt so crazy!!)
I FELT in my heart he didn't want to get D and he sure didn't act like it. Showing up unexpectedly to see me for five minutes, asking me almost every week to go out to eat with him, etc. Not to mention his incredible hugs. Which I stopped giving back on my part eventually.
So....I'm just thinkin' your H wants to maintain connection with you. He enjoys you, (who wouldn't?) knows your there for him, loves you deep inside his heart, and maybe....just maybe....doesn't want to lose you? But has a ways to go yet?
Idk. This MLC thing is an enigma. I could be so off-base here.
Just fishin' for some answers for you...
rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
First thoughts to me were, pursuer/distancer dynamic. You are living your life and he's wondering where he fits in. Even though he probably has no right. He is in MLC??? I think its a good sign. But keep your cool and keep doing what works.
Hi TVS, Hope you are feeling better.. It hurts when you exactly know with whom they are.. My experience has been that my H always goes over my S schedule on the day he is with OW..Pure guilt...What class does he have today? Oh i didnt know he goes for this class..Where does he go? why does he go.. And all this after a year of him going to this class!! Hope your H has a massive blow up with your ex F.. Take care. UW.. jello to the wall.. so true and scary!!
hoper me-40,H41 M-15 S-6 Looks like MLC,living together
TV, Your h was feeling a bit of a "pinch" when he got up and saw that you hadn't left him a note or anything. He senses you are pulling away and going on w/your life. As urworthy has stated, they want to know that we will be right where they left us when they return to earth. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.
He may have had a moment of clarity and opted to leave you a note, but I do think it's more of a letting mom know what I'm doing type of thing. Some of them do tend to get chatty when they are "allowed" to do things that aren't part of their normal day-to-day life. I will offer this suggestion, when he returns home, don't ask about the trip. The less you ask about it, the more he may open up.
TV, Enjoy your weekend w/your children and allow God to work on him. Your h has got a ways to go.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I definitely agree that there is the pursuit/distance dance going on there. Except it really isn't much of a dance if I am continually pulling away. I have been going on with my life for awhile now, but he is only just starting to notice. And while it may have been more forced in the beginning, it comes much more easily now. Just doing my thing.
I'm not gonna lie, the note stirred up a lot of feelings for me. Him signing love before his name seems significant to me. In the few notes he has written since bomb, he has not done this. (Where signing love was the only way he would sign things to me pre-bomb)
I don't know, seems the main thing I am feeling this morning is discouraged.
Am I crazy to believe that a part of him is starting to wake up to what he could possibly lose? Or maybe he is still as clueless as ever? Or maybe I'm the one that's clueless?
I plan on having a great weekend with the boys. Am having my two oldest friends over tomorrow for a girls night too. Life does go on without him (whether his absence is emotional or physical!)
Have a great Friday
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I'm not gonna lie, the note stirred up a lot of feelings for me. Him signing love before his name seems significant to me. In the few notes he has written since bomb, he has not done this. (Where signing love was the only way he would sign things to me pre-bomb)
Its those curve balls - they getcha every time.
I hear you on the signing "love". That's how H signs his emails to his "just friend" ow.
I get just his name.
I agree with URworthy and Snodderly. The MLCer seems to sense "change" in the partner, and doesn't seem to like it. So, in an effort to keep the LBS the "same" the MLCer might revert to "prebomb" behaviors at least temporarily.
Hold fast TVS. View the note as an anomaly. Even if he is "starting to wake up" I think he could "fall back to sleep" in a flash.
~sending you good thoughts~
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Very long day at work, glad the weekend is finally here!
My friend confirmed that OW took today off too, though she was there yesterday. So though it hurts, I like knowing the truth instead of sticking my head in the sand. My friend also said that this continues to be noticed by other co- workers, and that OW even asked another co- worker if people talk about her and my H.
I feel like each day that passes with all of this and each time I get hurt, my heart hardens just a little bit more towards H. I lose a little bit more respect for him. My feelings fade just a little bit more too.
Do feelings just fade till there is nothing left? I don't know...
Was going through my journal again, and found this from March-
"Maybe H will really end up alone and miserable. I know I won't."
Yep, that pretty much sums it up!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
H calls to in his words "check in and see how you and the boys were doing."
I was polite, but not overly friendly. Didn't ask him any questions. He said, "I'm just getting ready to go out to dinner." And I say, "Oh, that's good."
For some reason, I find that funny! I think because he expected me to ask him where he was going, etc.
He also asked me twice how work was. Feeling me out, no doubt.
Just hanging and watching/playing a little Transformers with the boys - wouldn't trade it for anything
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
TVS... kudos to you for not being "baited" into his dinner comment.
Keep up the good work!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
